None of you know me. You don't know who I am or how I'm feeling, nor do you know what my life is like aside from those snippets that I immortalize here to look back on. There are many things I have chosen not to share, because they're personal, they're no one's business, and frankly, because those aren't moments in my life that I want to remember. I want to remember feeling loved. I want to remember the golden times that made me smile. There are many other memories I wish I could just erase. But that isn't the way the world works.
I honestly don't know how mono people manage during a divorce. All the hurt and pain, the invalidation, the lack of respect- where do you go to get built up again? Friends can only do so much if you are afraid that no one will ever love you again. If I didn't have Jennifer and Henry there for me, I don't know how I'd be surviving right now. I am so, so lucky to have such amazing people like them in my life.
I'm not the kind of person who does well asking for help. I've always been the person that other people come to. I'm the caretaker, the listener. I'm not used to being the one who is flailing around and needs support. It's been really difficult for me to admit that I can't get through this alone and that I need to reach out for help. It was hard to fight my own worries about pushing people I love away because I am asking. I like to be the one who gives, who makes people happy, and right now I can't do any of those things.
I'd noticed I had been keeping Jennifer more at arms' length lately, not because she isn't important to me, but because we have such great communication but sometimes it can just be exhausting and I couldn't talk about it anymore. I just wanted to forget for a little while that my life is upside down and relax or fuck or play. But I've been doing her a disservice and I'm glad that I let her back in. We still talk every day but I hadn't seen her in a couple of weeks. Last time she was here, she brought over all kinds of junk food and wine and we watched chick flicks and cuddled up on the couch. Which was exactly what I needed at the time- just to indulge myself and maybe get some endorphins from the sugar. I haven't been taking very good care of myself lately though. I'm not sleeping and while kiddo is well cared for, I'm not eating either. Tonight she brought over chicken and pasta and salad, so we could actually have a real meal. It was the first meal I've had in ages that didn't come out of a box or from a fast food place. She really took care of me, and that means a lot. She's a fantastic person.
And yup, we had sex, and damn was it good. We both really needed that intimate physical connection, since I think it had been more than a month. I love watching her face when she cums, and feeling her pussy clench around my fingers. I love teasing her and watching her squirm. It's all pretty damn good.
Tonight, I'm feeling a little better. It's just so good to know that someone cares about you like that. She's there for me when I have a meltdown and need to have a good cry, and she's there for me when there's no thought, just kisses and passion.
I know that right now, feeling good is temporary, and more days will be difficult. But I also know that time is the great equalizer and this too shall pass. One of my friends reminded me that the darkest hour has only sixty minutes. Unfortunately, I think my current perception of time may be a bit skewed. But my counselor reminded me to focus on the things in my life that are good. To write myself affirmations about the people and things that matter to me. Little positive things to help me get through that hour. And I deserve to have those happy moments. Just because it's raining doesn't mean I can't dance barefoot on the lawn.