Thursday, 19 March 2015

New Connections

I'll never make jokes again about how you find things when you're not looking for them! I've always said that was odd, because if you're looking for your keys, for example, they aren't likely to pop up while you're washing the dishes. I suppose it's more of a state of mind thing when it comes to dating, because perhaps when you drop expectations and just leave yourself open to hanging out with people and having fun that you might be more likely to make an unexpected connection. I'm not sure it really applies to me in the same way, though, since I'd generally say that I leave myself open to meeting new and interesting people.

Currently, my dating profiles are down, and even my Fetlife profile says I am only looking for friends and events right now. And much to my surprise, I've made two interesting connections lately. Both are submissive men who are looking for long term female led relationships. It actually kind of freaks me out a little bit in one way because I'm not sure I'm ready emotionally to look for a new potential primary partner, but I also recognize that people aren't dolls you can put on a shelf when you don't want to play with them. On the other hand, I have to admit that it gave my self confidence a little bit of a boost that there are men out there who want me, even now. My self esteem has taken a nosedive over the past few months, and I've also gained quite a bit of weight. So to know that people are still interested in getting to know me, that's a good thing no matter what happens.

*Reed and I only had a few conversations before he left for vacation for a couple of weeks, and he hasn't come back yet. So, we'll see if we keep chatting when he comes back. He seems like a nice person and ultimately looking for the type of relationship I want but that isn't my priority right now. I am not going to be focused on getting remarried at this point- I'm not even legally divorced yet! I just want to take care of myself and kiddo and everything else will come along when it does.

I've pretty much decided though that since I'm starting again from ground zero, I'm not interested in a vanilla primary relationship; I want to find a partner for a poly or cuckold style relationship. Some D/s would be lovely too, but I've always felt that when you're seeking a relationship, it's better to know what you need and go from there, rather than have a list that looks like it could describe one person. Even as a Dominant, I've found that all my relationships take different forms. I don't have a cookie cutter list of things I want or the way I expect things to go. While the things I need are constant, the shape of Me+Partner varies depending on what my partner is like and what they need, and I think that is healthy. I want to leave myself open to really connecting to a person, not just forcing them into a little box of requirements.

The other new person I met is *Erik, and he's a pretty intriguing man. We've been chatting just about every day and he's got a great sense of humour. The thing I found really interesting is how sexually inexperienced he is. Generally single men in their thirties have had more than a couple of sex partners and have a bit of experience under their belts; while he's not a virgin, he's not far off. And he isn't asexual and does enjoy sex. It seems like some of it comes from the submissive side and since he hasn't been pursuing Dominant women, to date, it just hasn't gone that way. Jennifer pointed out I can teach him exactly what I like and he'll be a blank slate but it added a layer of anxiety for me to potentially getting physical with him.

Erik seems like a pretty awesome guy though, and we've been enjoying the conversations. We met up for coffee yesterday (OK, so I had a caramel apple cider instead), but he actually brought me a little gift which was so sweet. From our previous conversations he knew what kind of tea I liked, and brought me a bag of looseleaf tea that the store told him was similar but a little different so I could try something new but with the expectation of enjoying it. It was so thoughtful! We had a nice chat and hung out for most of the afternoon before I had to go pick up kiddo. I'm looking forward to seeing him again.

So, I'm still taking things one day at a time and trying to keep going. Henry has some craziness going on right now with his work, so between that and his health I am not sure when we'll see each other again. I got to see him for a couple of hours on Tuesday when a friend of mine wanted to visit his city for the day, but it's never long enough. We had plans for both this weekend and next weekend, but he might have to cancel which is too bad. But, it happens, and I have enough confidence in the stability of our relationship not to feel wibbles, although I miss him.

And I miss sex! That's one thing I'll say about not currently having a partner to live with- I don't get nearly enough of that! I've given some thought about going back and doing the CL thing, but I'm not sure I want to go there right now. I guess I'll wait and see how I feel in a month or so, but I definitely want more orgasms than I've been getting. Masturbation feels good, but it's just not the same as a partner's tongue working my clit while their fingers are massaging my A spot and I'm moaning and squirting all over the bed... sigh. Now my pussy is wet just thinking about it...

Sunday, 15 March 2015

Heart on Fire

Morgan has been dating a new girlfriend lately and they're besotted with each other- it's so adorable to watch. As a result, poly or not, we've dialed things back to platonic friends because the two of them are glued to each other! But, she's been missing some playtime as a sub since her girlfriend is also a sub (Morgan switches), so she asked me if I was interested in doing a few scenes.

Was I? Hell yes! I don't often get the opportunity to play with someone who is a deep as mosochist as Morgan is. Obviously, she still needs buildup to get to those high endorphin levels, but once she gets there... Wow. I can play harder on her than I have on anyone else before and I love that opportunity! I don't reach Topspace with her because it seems that regardless of play intensity, I need an emotional connection for that, but I definitely enjoy myself.

The flower brand that I did on her thigh on Halloween had faded away, and she wanted me to do a heart on her ass, if I was up for it. We had a really fun scene where I got to use some of my more intense implements, and it was great. She's so responsive, and I love watching her move her body to be more receptive to the sensation, or listen to her moans and sighs when I increase the power on my violet wand.

When we finally worked up and I could see she was feeling pretty floaty, so I switched to my branding electrode and got to work. I did a hand sized heart outline on her ass and it was a lot of fun watching her skin redden and swell while she moaned and tried to hold still. An electric brand takes a couple of days to darken and scab over, but I can see the lines I've drawn faintly while I'm still working on it. She loves the sensation- didn't want me to stop! But the more times you trace it, the longer the brand will last, and I wanted this to stay temporary like the last one. I joked to her afterwards though that once it heals enough to play over it, it's going to be a tempting target for spankings!

She was pretty spacey when we were done, but asked me if I was willing to use my urethral sounds on her since she's planning to transition soon and that might change the way it feels. We had talked about it before, so I agreed to try it out. It really surprised me how easily the first sound slid into her cock. She was kidding around about how she's never been harder! We worked our way up to the third sound, and by then she could barely talk so I figured it was time to stop and give her some time to relax.

I love seeing the fog of euphoria when I've played with someone- it definitely means that I got it right! And I always enjoy the opportunity to take out my violet wand and play with someone who I know enjoys it. I haven't gotten to play as much lately because I haven't been in the right mental state for it, but I'm hoping to get more in soon.

Sunday, 8 March 2015

The End of a Decade

It's amazing how quickly time goes by sometimes. And, theoretically, it does make sense that time moves more quickly as you age. After all, one year to a five year old is 20% of his life and one year to a thirty year old is only 3%. I remember as a child waiting and waiting for exciting days to arrive and sometimes it felt like forever. While some things still feel like forever (queues at government offices, anyone?), it feels to me sometimes like I blink and weeks have gone by.

Today would have been my tenth wedding anniversary with Mark. I noticed that I wasn't feeling like myself and I had to constantly try to reframe my thoughts, knowing that I wasn't in a balanced frame of mind and that I was taking everything negatively. Instead, I tried to keep myself busy. When I got home from my weekend away, I decided to clean out MY bedroom, and make it more my own. Things had gotten cluttered and while I admit I'm not all that sure about things like feng shui, certainly living in a giant mess wasn't making me happy. I'm feeling a lot better with things tidied and cleaned, at least. I'd like to do some actual redecorating, but for the moment it's not in the budget. It's fun to think about what changes I'd make, though. The walls are a greenish gray, and I'd like them to be a bit more feminine. Maybe a peach or a cream or a dark rose with white accents. I think a new bedding set would be a nice change, too; what I currently have is all blues and browns and I want a lighter palette. And definitely a set of mirrored closet doors. Did I mention my closet is opposite my bed so I'd get a lovely show when I'm having sex or playing with my pussy?

At any rate, I think I am done writing about my relationship with Mark here. I keep this blog so that I can remember the positive moments in my life, not to rehash the ones that depress me. I'm not finding the writing cathartic. And frankly, my counselor reminds me that I don't have to give him space in my head rent free. I'd rather focus on the things and people that make me happy so I'm going to stick to that.

This weekend didn't go quite as planned, but it was still fun. Sometimes it's interesting to examine how my reactions have changed and I wonder, is it me changing or is it the person I'm with?

I went to Henry's city on Friday afternoon, and we spent the evening out doing one of his hobbies. It was fun. I got to watch him enjoying himself and I had an interesting conversation with a much older gentleman. Then we went for a walk and a late dinner before going back to his house to watch some old sitcoms on Netflix.

Saturday we had a BDSM party that I was looking forward to! Unfortunately Henry still wasn't feeling well enough to play, but at least he was able to go. We had cancelled last weekend since he needed to rest. Even without playing, it was nice to get all dressed up and do my hair and makeup and go socialize with friends. Plus, it was still hot to watch everyone else and listen to all the moans and screams and laughs! I missed playing; I don't think I've gone to a party without playing since the very first one I had been to. I know Henry was disappointed too. But when we got back to his place we more than made up for it. We split a bottle of wine and had some really amazing sex. Lots of gentle, teasing touch to keep us both in the mood while we relaxed and talked and drank the wine. I could smell my pussy dripping while I toyed with his nipple rings. Finally the bottle was gone, and I was getting impatient. It was one of those nights where my body was so sensitive that the lightest touch on my clit had me moaning. Everything felt so amazing... he used his hands and brought me to many very satisfying orgasms while I squirted all over his bed. Whoops, forgot the towels. But I don't think either of us cared. I climbed onto his cock and nearly came again at the feel of that first push inside my pussy. I know I've written about it before, but it's always one of my favourite moments in sex. He played with my nipples while I rode him, and it wasn't long before I could hear his breathing changing and he grabbed my hips and told me he was going to cum. Later that night, being wrapped up securely in his arms and feeling his heart beat next to mine made it easy to drift off to sleep.

Today didn't go quite like we'd planned. We were going to go out and spend some time with his friends, but he got a call early in the morning that he'd have to go in to work. He thought it would only be an hour or so, and told me he'd call me and let me know when he'd be home so we could go have lunch with his friends before I had to leave. I was surprised when the next thing I saw when I looked at the clock and it was 12:30! So, that brings me back to expectations and reactions. I was disappointed, since I knew we wouldn't have time to go see his friends before I had to leave, and normally that would have made me cranky because I could have assumed he got lost in what he was doing and forgot to come back. I texted him and he told me that he got stuck and he'd be back as soon as he could. Which ended up being more than an hour later. But he was so apologetic and disappointed that I couldn't help but tell him that I was disappointed too but it was okay. He said that he wished things didn't come up when I was there, and then he took me out for lunch before I had to leave.

And really, now that I'm thinking about it... it was his attitude that made it easy for me. I was worried that I didn't matter, and even though he couldn't be, he still showed me that I was important and he wanted to be with me. He's really a good guy, and I'm lucky to have him in my life. Now if only we didn't have this darn distance to deal with!

I'm not really sure what I'm going to do when I decide I'm ready to start looking for a primary partner again. And I know that's a problem for the future and I shouldn't even be thinking about it, but it's hard not to sometimes. I like living with a partner. I like sleeping with someone and cooking them a nice meal and having someone to hang out with in the evenings. I'm going to want a serious primary relationship again when my life settles down and my heart heals. I know that right now I'm hurting and vulnerable and I'm not ready to start dating again. But when I meet someone else, it's going to take time away from my relationships with Henry and Jennifer, and they're important to me. It's not going to be like it was with an established live in marriage where Mark got almost every night with me when he was home, so I could take time to go see Henry and Jennifer. I'll have to devote time to establishing that new relationship, and it's got to come from somewhere. I'm not sure I want to loosen my connections with them. I think that no matter what happens, Jennifer and I will always be friends, but I like the whole package :) And Henry is very important to me. I mean, I bet it would be hard even for an established poly person to be coming in and dating someone who has two solid and longer standing secondary relationships. I just have to keep reminding myself to take one day at a time and not to worry about it for now. Enjoy what I've got, because what I do have is still pretty darn awesome.

Sunday, 1 March 2015


While Henry is out of the hospital, he's really still not feeling very well yet. I regret that health care is more limited than it used to be, where they actually kept patients in until they were better. I know there have been technological advances that likely more than make up for it, but patient care is really important, too. Henry doesn't have sick leave so he tried to go back to work and overdid things enough that he nearly wound up back in the hospital. Without getting too political because this isn't the place, I don't think that people should have to choose between their health and being able to pay their bills.

I was able to go and see Henry for a day, and he said he was glad to have me there since I helped him slow down and take care of himself. It was really low key, we basically just spent the whole time in bed together cuddling and napping off and on, and watching movies.

I suspect that all the outside stresses on our relationship have taken this out of the NRE phase. I still feel all kinds of passion and love for him, but given what we've been through, I'm feeling like there's some more depth to it, too. I'm not really used to that with a secondary relationship, since these ones with Jennifer and Henry are my longest standing, and I would venture to say my healthiest and most rewarding. Either way, I'm happy with whatever it is, and it doesn't need to be labelled beyond that we love each other and he wears my collar.

It doesn't have to be amazing every time we see each other. Sometimes it's good just to be together and do absolutely nothing and still enjoy each other's company. We hadn't had sex in a couple of weeks and I was missing that kind of connection but didn't think he was up to it given all his health issues at the time. To my surprise after we woke up this morning, we found ourselves kissing slowly and sensually, and his hands gently stroking all over my body. I didn't want to respond too aggressively, because I wasn't sure where he was feeling up for having it go, but I'm sure the sounds I was making showed him that I was enjoying myself very much. I love that kind of slow buildup... feeling desire sparking through my body and my pussy getting wet while he explores my warm skin with his lips and his hands slowly and seductively. Soon he slipped his fingers down to my pussy and started playing with my clit, and it wasn't long before I had several orgasms. His cock was hard and ready for me, and when I asked what position he thought was best, he suggested I climb on top. I didn't need any more encouragement than that! I love the way it feels when a cock first pushes inside me, and I was so wet that we both laughed about the squishy sounds my pussy was making while I slid up and down on him. When we were done, we got in the shower together. I love it when he washes my hair; such a little thing but it feels so good.

Hopefully he'll do some more relaxing and not push so hard so that he starts feeling better again. We're supposed to spend next weekend together since there's a party in his city, and we'll see if he's up for it or not. Either way, just being with him will be good.