This weekend just went by way too quickly!
Friday was a wonderful date night with Henry. We enjoyed getting a little buzzy and then spent the next four hours having amazing sex. It's so good when we build in that intentional space for us to really connect with each other. The grass is greener where it's watered, right? We were still a little tired Saturday morning, but no rest for the wicked as it was my birthday party!
My actual birthday isn't till next week, but schedule worked best for today. If anyone would like to send me a little something-something as a birthday present, my Amazon wishlist has some new items on it, and I really appreciate you thinking of me!
My birthday party was laid back and fun, just an open house kind of thing with some friends, good food, drinks, music, and hot tubbing. Charles slept over after the party. I know I had written previously about being worried about Henry missing out on special occasions, but we felt that we were able to strike a good balance since he got that very busy Friday night, and he asked for NYE this year, which is more than reasonable. I am still not really sure where that leaves Charles but we will figure something out, since he's planning to spend the holiday with us anyway, assuming nothing drastically bad happens.
We usually have a pretty low key party, but it's always nice to have both my partners there with all my friends and everything is just normal. My neighbours dropped by as well, which is always. The woman knows that we're open/poly even though she doesn't get it- she finds it really weird. Which I find weird since they cheat on each other all the time! (her partner actually has a child the same age as their three-year-old with his sort of ex-wife that he never legally divorced). But the idea of it being open and ethical, and Henry and Charles being friends, doesn't make sense to her. It takes all kinds... but I just can't support cheating as an acceptable option when they are perfectly aware they could negotiate something they would both be happier with.
I wound up getting less sleep than I wanted, but that's a thing that happens. My birthday cake was delicious and I had a lovely time with my friends.
Charles likes certain kinds of embarrassment, so I enjoyed watching him flush a little bit when my friends who stayed over were arguing over breakfast the next morning, and I announced that Charles had already had his. Henry is entirely unflappable so it's nice to have a partner who does enjoy that tinge of erotic shame. And my friends don't mind playing along, so this doesn't qualify as tapping the tank- we don't play those sorts of games in front of nonconsenting people.
Henry and I agreed not to do gifts this year but to find some sort of experience we'd like to do and put money towards that instead. We haven't figured one out yet, but I'm sure we'll come up with something.
We're considering going to a swingers' weekend event in February, but those sorts of things get expensive. I think it would be fun to go to something like that, though. I just wish that the swing community was less heteronormative and couple-centric. I saw that their icebreaker is "couples speed dating". So there's an automatic presumption that everyone is there as a heterosexual couple, even though it's marketed as an event open to the poly and queer communities. They're saying couples and single women only, so I guess I couldn't bring both Charles and Henry if I wanted to. Neither of them is single, but under the event definitions, I can only be in a couple with one of them. I'm not impressed, but you can't change norms in one day.
It's been a pretty awesome weekend, it just went by too quickly! But I guess the good days do that.
Monday 18 November 2019
Tuesday 5 November 2019
Ethics & Growth in Nonmonogamy
So it's funny- I heard an expression once that said, first year forming, second year storming, third year norming. It's starting to make a lot of sense. I hadn't thought about it in past relationships but it might be so. At least for those that are looking at becoming long term things and not casual.
Charles and I have been spending more time lately doing relationship processing. I think it's more difficult in a nontraditional relationship because of the lack of relationship escalator. Think about it- when you're in a monogamous relationship, as you become more committed, there are societal steps that people tend to follow to escalate their commitment to each other. You "become exclusive", or move in together, or get married. What do you do when you want your relationship to be at that next level, so to speak, but don't have those societal trappings? It's interesting examining our attachment to these social constructs; is "just" a boyfriend meaning something less in terms of commitment? What is it that makes us feel more or less connected and secure in a relationship? I know this is getting into philosophy, but I find it very interesting and have been thinking about it quite a bit.
In the meantime, Charles and I have spent more time talking about how we're feeling about our relationship, our wants and needs, and learning each other at a more intimate level. We've been doing the dating thing all along, so it's not like this is a change, but the passage of time is allowing up to open up to each other further just like it would in a mono relationship. And sometimes that's going to mean that you butt heads a little. Charles and I definitely have different ways of processing emotional issues, and learning the best way to relate to each other is going to be a bit of a curve. But, we're both working at it and invested in making this work, so I am optimistic that we will continue to build our relationship while we navigate those speedbumps.
I also know he's been very badly used in the past by people who have claimed to be poly, or even people who swing and look for casual partners, unicorn hunters. I didn't realize the damage was quite as profound as it was. This is likely why I find myself reacting more intensely to comments that don't match with my personal ethics- because I see the carnage it can cause. Some of the stories he's told me? He's always had to be the one looking out for himself because no one else has put his wellbeing in a primary role- they've only taken care of themselves. He's always felt like he can't ask for what he needs, out of fear of upsetting the applecart with his partner and metamour. He's always had to worry about how his metamour (partner's partner) feels because they could pull the plug at any time.
Just THINK of how hard it would be to live like that. If what you really wanted was a romantic relationship and you said that, but you never had an equal say in how your relationship was run. That someone else could pull the rug out from under you at any time. That's what I think is so cruel in general about people who think spousal veto is a good idea. It forgets the humanity of the other person involved and literally treats them as disposable (let alone the damage that you do to your own relationship). So In a lot of ways, Charles tells me he hasn't had a relationship where he could feel comfortable just being himself and not feeling like he has to be on guard to protect himself, and he hasn't really been able to let that guard down because it's so firmly hardwired at this point. But he's been very clear that Henry and I have never treated him in this way, and he doesn't feel like he is treated as a secondary, or that he is disposable in any way. It takes a while to undo that programming, don't we all know. I'm sure all of us have some automatic responses that aren't the healthiest.
I remember when I was going through that heartbreak that I didn't write much about, when Patrick and I split up, how horrible it felt to feel disposable. I didn't share all the details because I was hurting, and because my ex-husband Mark was saying things that were what he felt was helpful but instead was the opposite. Mark told me that I didn't have any right to express wants and needs, because I was just the side piece. I should take what I got, enjoy the sex, and be happy with it. I shouldn't have any expectations of Patrick beyond what he wanted to give. You know what that made me feel like? Used kleenex. It's okay for people to have incompatible wants and needs- there's nothing wrong with that. But no one should ever feel like they have zero agency in their relationship. I knew that wasn't healthy for me, and although it took me a long time to process it, I eventually ended that relationship because I knew that it wasn't going to work for me. And I now had an appreciation for ways NOT to treat people.
I don't believe there is or should be universality in how relationships are run. I've said that many, many times. But I do think there are always some core things that need to be in place for a relationship to be healthy, and they include informed consent and individual agency. No one should feel like they have no option to ask for what they want in a relationship.
So getting back to the here and now... Charles and I have some growing pains to do, where I've been expecting clear communication from him, and he's been having trouble giving that because of his baggage. It's not going to be an easy solve for either of us- I'll have to be patient with him, and he's going to have to put in the work to deal with some of that baggage. But at the end of the day, he's worth it to me. Our relationship is worth it to me. And Henry is supporting me through the turbulence, because he loves me and wants me to be happy. I've been a little on the emotionally drained side lately but I've been making sure to pour some of my energy into my marriage with Henry because he needs and deserves that. Never neglect one partner because of issues with another, and don't drop all the processing onto the other partner either. Henry has a reasonable idea of what's going on, but beyond the minimum, I'm not using him as my place to vent. I have friends for that. It's not fair to dump all the stress from one side of a V onto the other. I like letting the good parts spill over, but it's my job as the hinge to make sure that the more difficult parts don't spill over. It's not fair or reasonable to do. Henry has let me know if I need anything, to ask. He's a wonderful husband, and last night I rocked his world to show him how much I appreciate him :)
Tonight is date night with Charles, and hopefully we can spend some more time relaxing and focusing on each other and less of the processing. Working on things is good, but if you spend too much time working on things, you lose sight of why you're together and why you enjoy each other. And I do love and enjoy him very much.
Charles and I have been spending more time lately doing relationship processing. I think it's more difficult in a nontraditional relationship because of the lack of relationship escalator. Think about it- when you're in a monogamous relationship, as you become more committed, there are societal steps that people tend to follow to escalate their commitment to each other. You "become exclusive", or move in together, or get married. What do you do when you want your relationship to be at that next level, so to speak, but don't have those societal trappings? It's interesting examining our attachment to these social constructs; is "just" a boyfriend meaning something less in terms of commitment? What is it that makes us feel more or less connected and secure in a relationship? I know this is getting into philosophy, but I find it very interesting and have been thinking about it quite a bit.
In the meantime, Charles and I have spent more time talking about how we're feeling about our relationship, our wants and needs, and learning each other at a more intimate level. We've been doing the dating thing all along, so it's not like this is a change, but the passage of time is allowing up to open up to each other further just like it would in a mono relationship. And sometimes that's going to mean that you butt heads a little. Charles and I definitely have different ways of processing emotional issues, and learning the best way to relate to each other is going to be a bit of a curve. But, we're both working at it and invested in making this work, so I am optimistic that we will continue to build our relationship while we navigate those speedbumps.
I also know he's been very badly used in the past by people who have claimed to be poly, or even people who swing and look for casual partners, unicorn hunters. I didn't realize the damage was quite as profound as it was. This is likely why I find myself reacting more intensely to comments that don't match with my personal ethics- because I see the carnage it can cause. Some of the stories he's told me? He's always had to be the one looking out for himself because no one else has put his wellbeing in a primary role- they've only taken care of themselves. He's always felt like he can't ask for what he needs, out of fear of upsetting the applecart with his partner and metamour. He's always had to worry about how his metamour (partner's partner) feels because they could pull the plug at any time.
Just THINK of how hard it would be to live like that. If what you really wanted was a romantic relationship and you said that, but you never had an equal say in how your relationship was run. That someone else could pull the rug out from under you at any time. That's what I think is so cruel in general about people who think spousal veto is a good idea. It forgets the humanity of the other person involved and literally treats them as disposable (let alone the damage that you do to your own relationship). So In a lot of ways, Charles tells me he hasn't had a relationship where he could feel comfortable just being himself and not feeling like he has to be on guard to protect himself, and he hasn't really been able to let that guard down because it's so firmly hardwired at this point. But he's been very clear that Henry and I have never treated him in this way, and he doesn't feel like he is treated as a secondary, or that he is disposable in any way. It takes a while to undo that programming, don't we all know. I'm sure all of us have some automatic responses that aren't the healthiest.
I remember when I was going through that heartbreak that I didn't write much about, when Patrick and I split up, how horrible it felt to feel disposable. I didn't share all the details because I was hurting, and because my ex-husband Mark was saying things that were what he felt was helpful but instead was the opposite. Mark told me that I didn't have any right to express wants and needs, because I was just the side piece. I should take what I got, enjoy the sex, and be happy with it. I shouldn't have any expectations of Patrick beyond what he wanted to give. You know what that made me feel like? Used kleenex. It's okay for people to have incompatible wants and needs- there's nothing wrong with that. But no one should ever feel like they have zero agency in their relationship. I knew that wasn't healthy for me, and although it took me a long time to process it, I eventually ended that relationship because I knew that it wasn't going to work for me. And I now had an appreciation for ways NOT to treat people.
I don't believe there is or should be universality in how relationships are run. I've said that many, many times. But I do think there are always some core things that need to be in place for a relationship to be healthy, and they include informed consent and individual agency. No one should feel like they have no option to ask for what they want in a relationship.
So getting back to the here and now... Charles and I have some growing pains to do, where I've been expecting clear communication from him, and he's been having trouble giving that because of his baggage. It's not going to be an easy solve for either of us- I'll have to be patient with him, and he's going to have to put in the work to deal with some of that baggage. But at the end of the day, he's worth it to me. Our relationship is worth it to me. And Henry is supporting me through the turbulence, because he loves me and wants me to be happy. I've been a little on the emotionally drained side lately but I've been making sure to pour some of my energy into my marriage with Henry because he needs and deserves that. Never neglect one partner because of issues with another, and don't drop all the processing onto the other partner either. Henry has a reasonable idea of what's going on, but beyond the minimum, I'm not using him as my place to vent. I have friends for that. It's not fair to dump all the stress from one side of a V onto the other. I like letting the good parts spill over, but it's my job as the hinge to make sure that the more difficult parts don't spill over. It's not fair or reasonable to do. Henry has let me know if I need anything, to ask. He's a wonderful husband, and last night I rocked his world to show him how much I appreciate him :)
Tonight is date night with Charles, and hopefully we can spend some more time relaxing and focusing on each other and less of the processing. Working on things is good, but if you spend too much time working on things, you lose sight of why you're together and why you enjoy each other. And I do love and enjoy him very much.
Monday 4 November 2019
Fisting video
Henry and I have been having some awesome times lately! One of the many, many, many things I enjoy about our marriage is the total comfort and openness we have with each other sexually. I never have to worry about asking him about an interest of mine, because even if he's not into it, it will always be safe to bring it up.
And of course, he does the same, and I appreciate that he's willing to share his adventurous side with me as well! The other day, he sent me this Anal Fisting Video and asked me if we could try it sometime. Henry, if you haven't been following me for too long, loves anal play. It's his favourite way to have an orgasm, by far. I love making him happy and feeling good, so as long as I'm not too tired, I'm generally up for trying something new that interests him.
If it's not your cup of tea, that video is a demonstration of a two-handed nonsimultaneous anal stretching technique. Normally I like having one hand free when I play with his ass, so I can stroke his cock or whatever else needs done with a clean hand, but we can try new things!
So, we set him up on our massage table on a wedge pillow with his ass in the air, and some good porn on the TV for him to enjoy while I slowly started working gloved fingers into him, alternating hands, and twisting and sliding inside him to open him up.
If you enjoy anal play, the techniques in this video really do work! Henry opened up relatively quickly, and we made it almost to a full hand before it started to get uncomfortable. I think it took about an hour of play before he was feeling all stretched out and needing to cum badly!
Experimentation is a lot of fun, especially with someone you love and trust. I will never understand the people who feel they can't express themselves sexually with their long time partners but instead can do it casually. The people that I want to truly see me and know me, are the ones that I love. The ones I trust to experiment with are the people I know have my back, and who also have my pleasure and happiness in mind. Sure, one night stands are fun, but they'll never be as exciting and sexually charged as fucking someone I can be totally free with.
And of course, he does the same, and I appreciate that he's willing to share his adventurous side with me as well! The other day, he sent me this Anal Fisting Video and asked me if we could try it sometime. Henry, if you haven't been following me for too long, loves anal play. It's his favourite way to have an orgasm, by far. I love making him happy and feeling good, so as long as I'm not too tired, I'm generally up for trying something new that interests him.
If it's not your cup of tea, that video is a demonstration of a two-handed nonsimultaneous anal stretching technique. Normally I like having one hand free when I play with his ass, so I can stroke his cock or whatever else needs done with a clean hand, but we can try new things!
So, we set him up on our massage table on a wedge pillow with his ass in the air, and some good porn on the TV for him to enjoy while I slowly started working gloved fingers into him, alternating hands, and twisting and sliding inside him to open him up.
If you enjoy anal play, the techniques in this video really do work! Henry opened up relatively quickly, and we made it almost to a full hand before it started to get uncomfortable. I think it took about an hour of play before he was feeling all stretched out and needing to cum badly!
Experimentation is a lot of fun, especially with someone you love and trust. I will never understand the people who feel they can't express themselves sexually with their long time partners but instead can do it casually. The people that I want to truly see me and know me, are the ones that I love. The ones I trust to experiment with are the people I know have my back, and who also have my pleasure and happiness in mind. Sure, one night stands are fun, but they'll never be as exciting and sexually charged as fucking someone I can be totally free with.
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