Reflections

Lately, I think with the possibility that I'll be able to explore the type of D/s connection I want, I think it's caused me to wrestle with my perception of myself a little bit more. I don't date vanilla because I need the D/s. It's not a want- it's something I crave. Mark told me a couple of weeks ago that he could see how unhappy I was not having an outlet for this aspect of my personality. But what does that make me?

I am sexually aroused by giving pain to my partner. I love to cuddle and kiss and do nice things for him/her... but then I want to be able to snap my fingers and have them on their knees for me. I want to listen to their screams and moans. I want to push their limits and know it's because they want to please me. What does that make me?

Oh, I know all the easy answers. As long as it's consensual, it's okay. I don't hurt people against their will, nor do I even have interest in it. It's mostly the power- the knowing that they WILL take it for me. And yes, several of my partners enjoy receiving pain very much. I've had no trouble making peace with my sexuality, but part of me still is hanging on to my vanilla upbringing about how awful and predatorial it must be to be turned on by hurting someone.

John is a very deep masochist. He craves pain in an intimate relationship. Last night, I took a bag of bamboo clothespins and attached them to his balls, and twisted them and played with them until he was jerking and moaning. I left them on for twenty minutes before I started to remove them. His gasps were music to my ears. When we were done, I told him to see what he had done to me. His finger slid easily into my pussy, which was so wet I was dripping down my thighs. I haven't been that turned on in a long time.

We had a really lovely evening. Cuddled up on the couch, watching an old movie I'd requested he find. Lots of kissing and touching and snuggling. Holy crap, it felt good. Skin on skin is so fantastic. Of course, I missed part of the second movie when I was busy with those clothespins. For some reason, that didn't bother me ;)

It's not just the play- I can get lots of that. It's the Domination. After the movies, we went upstairs to bed and cuddled and talked about fantasies. We got very involved in talking about a forced bi scene. John is straight, but I know this is one of his secret desires- to be forced to suck a cock, to be degraded and abused and hurt while doing it. Watching him collapse into his headspace while I whispered horrible things into his ear was one of the most erotic acts I've enjoyed in a long time. Having that control over his thoughts and emotions was just so hot. And then telling him that I could set it up any time I wanted to... Oh yes :)

The NRE is definitely hot. We had a conversation about where things are going, and so far we're both happy with it. I told him that we're going to negotiate a 30 day contract, to get our expectations of each other in terms of D/s on the table, and we'll go from there. In the meantime... whether this goes anywhere or not, for now, it's just what I've been craving.

Oxytocin Hits

I had another date with John last night. Unfortunately, Mark was out of town so hot tubbing wasn't a possibility since I had the little one at home. I had John arrive after kiddo was asleep, and we watched an old movie that we both like. I absolutely love that he is so big on physical contact like I am. Lots of touching and caressing and cuddling, even though we were still dressed and lying on the couch. It wasn't the kind of urgency that leads to anything- just relaxing and sensual and oxytocin-releasing!

My friends know that I have some body image issues. I'm married to a man who I know is primarily attracted to Barbie doll types, which I definitely am not, and never will be even if I get to my ideal body weight. I know men are visual, and I'm more on the curvy side than I'd like to be. Working on it is such a slow process! At any rate, I'd been having some hidden fears over the past few months that I wouldn't find anyone who would be attracted to me because of the extra weight.

John is making me feel surprisingly comfortable about my body without it ever coming up into words. I can see from the way he behaves around me that he loves to touch my body. He nearly always has his hands on me, and not in a sexual way- just because it's clear that he likes to touch. The first time his hands ran over my stomach, I felt uncomfortable but decided to go with it and not feed my issue. It's happened a few times since then, but I'm starting to get the impression that it doesn't matter to him, that he thinks I'm sexy the way I am. Of course, the things he says to me are pretty awesome, too. He tells me that I have a body made for worshipping. Oh, flattery will get you everywhere! :)

He had never played with a violet wand before, so we decided to rectify that :) We did more of an experimental sort of thing than an actual scene. I didn't put him into bondage or blindfold him, but it was a lot of fun. I think we both really enjoyed it. I love how responsive he is as a bottom. It's so fantastic to see them reacting to the horrible, awful things you do!

I've done some re-evaluation about how I feel about secondary-type relationships. Instead of focusing on it only being successful if it "goes somewhere", I'm redirecting my focus to enjoying it for what it is. Perhaps one day I'll collar John, and perhaps we'll just have some fun in the meantime and wind up as friends. It doesn't matter. In the meantime, I am getting to date an interesting person and have some good times, and that's about as good as it gets since I've got a fantastic husband waiting for me at home.

But yeah... I'll admit the NRE is starting to flow...

New Possibilities

So while I'm getting lots of fun Topping action at parties, I really am finding myself missing D/s. Doing horrible things to people can be a lot of fun and a definite charge, but I miss having someone kneel at my feet, or serve me in ways that give me pleasure. I've been idly looking for a new submissive since Allen and I broke up, but it seems like a lot of submissive men don't come out to munches and parties alone, and a lot of the ones online are looking for play and not a D/s relationship. But, I remember that I've got a fantastic husband, lots of kinky friends to play with, and parties to keep me busy. So I figured I'll just go on about my life, and perhaps I'll run into someone at some point.

Well, at the party a couple of weeks ago, a friend of mine introduced me to a submissive man who was looking for an impact play scene. I declined because I'm not looking for casual play, but I expressed interest in getting to know him and potentially playing in the future. So, we decided to set up a coffee date for this week.

Well, coffee turned into three hours of chatting. While there are some places we don't mesh, we have a lot of vanilla shared interests as well as quite a few kinky ones, so I was definitely interested in spending some more time with him. There was a munch yesterday and he lives close to the location, so he invited me over afterwards to go hot tubbing.

Hmm. Hot tubbing? It's bloody cold out! I had never used an outdoor hot tub before except in warm weather like in a Caribbean resort, so I was a little uncertain about it. Mark told me I'd have a good time though and to give it a try, so I did.

The munch was really great, lots of interesting conversation and I got to catch up with some good friends of mine, and to plan some scenes for the next party (YAY more fire cupping!!!). Then I headed over to John's house and wound up naked walking barefoot through snow to get into the tub. While I was walking, I was thinking how crazy this was, but damn did the water feel fabulous once I got in. It was 101 degrees and I just wanted to melt in it. We spent over two hours in there, first just hanging out and chatting, and then getting a little more intimate with each other. He has a "no swimmers in the tub" rule, but that didn't stop us from having some fun! Mmm... lots of kissing and groping and cuddling. It was really enjoyable. When we decided to go in, I wasn't ready to leave yet. My pussy was wet and not just from the tub! We grabbed towels to wrap ourselves in and went to the living room to relax on the couch and watch some comedy shows. Not that we paid attention for long...

John, like me, is a foot fetishist, and while Allen used to rub my feet as a form of service, it was fucking fantastic having someone pay attention to my feet who gets off on it as much as I do. He spent over an hour rubbing my feet and legs, then sucking and nibbling at my toes and along the arches... so hot. So pleasurable. I was dripping wet by the time I told him to come up and get busy! I had some nice orgasms before we made out a while longer. He'd forgotten to pick up condoms so we couldn't have sex. It had been so long since I spent an evening just fooling around sexually with someone and didn't actually fuck them, but it was a lot of fun. I sucked his cock, but not to make him cum- just to enjoy myself with it. He has a lovely thick cock that I can't wait to feel inside my pussy.

And, I left some articles of clothing at his house. Guess he's going to have to invite me back to pick them up? ;)

A Swinging Good Time!

I got out to another play party this past weekend and had a fabulous time. It was at a local swinger's club which hosts a monthly fetish night. I hadn't been to this particular club but found it very welcoming, and it had everything we needed for FUN!

I went with a group of lady friends, some Tops and some bottoms. Like I said in my last post, it just seems like I've been attracting women lately and I've certainly been enjoying it! Even my heterosexual female friend decided to kiss me at the party, which kind of took me by surprise- here I was sitting on the couch watching a scene, she walks up to me, kisses me hard on the lips, and then walks away. Um... wow :) I knew it was just sub headspace, but it was certainly pleasant enough!

One of the women was new to BDSM, and she wanted to do her first public scene there. I had a lot of gear with me, so we negotiated a wax scene. Kristen is a sexy little blonde with a fantastic, tight body. I knew she was going to look so hot in the wax! I blindfolded her and tied her to the table, before I started covering her with pink, blue, and black wax drops. Her reactions were so awesome that I couldn't help but have a huge grin on my face listening to her. She moaned and jerked and swore, but it was clear she was having a fabulous time. I was really glad to be the Domme to initiate her into public play!

I was also invited to take part in a scene with the attractive woman I was flirting with at the last party. They painted her with liquid latex, and I joked that she looked great but needed some nipple clamps to top off the effect. They had forgotten theirs, but I happened to have a package of clothespins in my toy bag ;) It was a lot of fun attaching them to various body parts and then using a crop to beat them off. A good time was definitely had by all!

After my scenes, I was very aroused and dying for an orgasm or twenty, but I didn't want to leave Kristen on her own since it was her first party, and she's currently in a monogamous relationship so having sex with her wasn't going to work. So, I figured maybe next time. I'm looking forward to going back next month!

So Cold!

It's been such a cold winter that I haven't wanted to go out to play much! Mark and I had a fabulous vacation though. Lots of hot sex, a little kink, and warm sandy beaches. Sigh... but then we came home to some ridiculous cold.

I have gotten out to a few BDSM events though, and that's been a lot of fun. I have really missed going to munches and play parties! The interesting thing is, while I haven't had any luck finding a submissive man that I'd enjoy for more than a casual scene, I do have a lot of interest from the ladies! I wonder if it's pheremones? :) All I know is, being interested in women has become much more exciting lately.

On Sunday I went to a Valentine's Day play party. I wore a red PVC and black lace dress, fishnet stockings, and thigh high black leather stiletto boots. Definitely dressed to kill! It seemed to work very nicely too, when I flirted with an attractive woman and it turned out she was also interested in flirting. We had our hands on each other for most of the night when I wasn't doing a scene. It was a lot of fun!

I got to co-Top a very hot (pun intended) scene with another sexy lady, and we had a great time. We did some fire cupping, and it was a lot of fun! I never realized how erotic fire play could be until I watched a scene for the first time and couldn't take my eyes away. Edge play feels like the ultimate in control and Dominance to me, since you have to be careful not to seriously injure the bottom. But at the same time... doing something risky like that is the ultimate aphrodisiac. I've been studying from some more experienced Doms so that I can play safely. No hurting the submissive... unintentionally ;)

I've also purchased some new gear that I'm looking forward to trying out! If the mailman had only known what was inside the big box he delivered. My favourite thing so far is the Realdoe. If I had a cock of my own, I'd be playing with it all the time! As soon as I got it, the egg end went straight into my pussy and I spent the evening walking around fondling my cock. I can't wait to use it on someone!

Sigh. Good times ahead, I'm sure!