Memories

I've been reading back over my blog and my personal journals, and it's been interesting watching my journey over the past decade. I'm glad that I do keep writing, because sometimes I read a note I've written and I don't remember that specific event occurring. My long term memory isn't great in general, and when things in the past become painful I think it's often even more difficult to remember all the details.

But there are so many little moments that I don't want to forget. The first time I met Henry, after us spending weeks chatting and Skyping online, where our first kiss threw sparks- literally! The amazing rush of endorphins I felt after the first play party we attended, where I was so drunk on our scene that I couldn't think of anyone else but him. The mix of love and anxiety and pride and desire when I offered him his collar for the first time, and we buckled it on. Henry loves me so much, and shows me that every single day. I try so hard to give him the same in return. The last thing I want is for our marriage to develop complacency. We have our scheduled date nights, and we still just enjoy hanging out together at other times anyway. I not only love him, but I genuinely like him- most of the time ;)  We joke that that's as good as it gets, right? You can't like anyone all of the time!

And I remember the look on his face as I walked down the aisle and said my vows to him. I remember him alternating between joking and serious. And I remember laughing as he slipped me some tongue in front of all our family and friends!

Sometimes he drives me nuts, but I look at the people around me and how things could be, and I am so grateful to have Henry in my life. He is an amazing person in general, husband, and parent, and I feel lucky every single day. I know that the one constant in life is that everything changes, but no matter what happens in the future, I never want to forget the love and intimacy and connection that I have with Henry.

And Charles... it's been nearly 16 months now, and I still get wet when we kiss. He loves being oral just as much as I do, and our kisses are amazing together. I can feel how he feels at the moment, just like that song by Cher. I love how the passion or intensity or love or just raw burning need can come through as clearly as if he was naming it to me.

I still get those heady kicks of NRE at times when we're lying in each others' arms at night. I saw one of my Facebook statuses from over a year ago when I wrote "Golden days and silver nights," and remember that I was writing about Charles but didn't want to say publicly what I was so happy about, but that I wanted to remember it.

No matter what happens in my life... I've had love. Not all of it has lasted, and I guess that's pretty par for the course. But I'm the kind of woman who feels things just a little bigger than other people; higher highs and lower lows. And even the loves which ended have taught me something. And they have given me those wonderful moments I never want to forget.

Hmm. Reading this over sounds almost melancholy, like I think something is wrong or a bad thing is going to happen. I hope not. I'm happier now than I've ever been in my life- my love is magnified. And I've never had a second relationship quite like the one I'm having now with Charles. I've never had quite this much love, ever, and sometimes it gets overwhelming in a good way!

Here's to many more years of golden days and silver nights with my two wonderful men. Hope you'll raise a glass with me!

My Naughty Masseur

Well, that was one for the highlight reel. OMG.

I've noticed lately that my sex drive is back in a big way. I don't know if the Addyi is kicking in harder, I don't know if it's ovulation (which usually makes me crazy but not for this long), or if it's just a hormonal fluctuation, but I've been experiencing desire on the level of teenage boy. It's been a lot of fun. I'm not normally much of a masturbator since I prefer having a partner, but I've found myself getting out of bed at night to get off the past few days- it's been that intense. Once again, I'm sure it won't last too long... but I am going to enjoy every single moment of it!

Last night Charles came over, and me being me- the first thing I asked him was how tired he was, because I had needs :)  Fortunately, he said he thought that he would be up to the task!

I had a specific fantasy in mind that I wanted to enjoy, and Charles was happy to provide service. I do so love men who are eager to please! I told him that I wanted to enjoy a version on "naughty masseur". I wanted him to make me feel all relaxed and then start to get me all hot and bothered, excruciatingly slowly. And oh was he ever up to the task- for the next three hours!

He gave me a wonderful massage and I was feeling so relaxed... and then as things progressed, a little less relaxed. His fingers started to slip a little bit but never quite too far- just enough to make me want more. My pussy was leaking down my legs and the slightest brush against my labia made me moan. I don't know quite how long he spent getting me all worked up but it was that perfect blend of pleasure and frustration. When he started to rub his cock against my dripping cunt through his pretty pink panties, I couldn't believe how intense that felt just for outercourse! He still hadn't licked or touched inside my pussy yet and I was going crazy, I was so hot and wet and open. He told me I could have his cock when I asked for it and I told him NOW and I think I came the first time as soon as his cock eased all the way inside me. I don't think I've ever experienced that much pleasure just from having a cock inside me. It was so intense and amazing and intimate and out of this world. I could see he was trying to hold back his orgasm to give me the most pleasure, but then he told me that he was planning to clean up his mess afterwards and that set off another orgasm for me and I pulled him over the edge too.

And such a good boy... he did lick up every drop. My pussy was still so sensitive and when he slid fingers inside me I actually became nonverbal it was so intense. I was making lots of sounds but speaking and thinking just weren't possible- I was so in the moment. And I came and came and came and made a lovely big mess everywhere- thank goodness we'd planned ahead and put down a towel and a waterproof sheet. We were both so sweaty and exhausted that it was a while before we could get up and have a shower. My legs were total jello.

I didn't want to let go of him last night when we were cuddling. He gave me exactly what I wanted and I know how hard that is on your hands, to give me a massage and then all that buildup. And he (sadly) doesn't have a foot fetish but he knows that I do, so he made a point of spending lots of time massaging my feet, and kissing them and sucking my toes because he knew how much I'd enjoy it. So yeah... that was one hell of a night.

Remember what I was saying about my sex drive coming back? I woke up at 6am, horny as hell. So much for being sated lol... I just wanted him more. But poor guy had a busy day at work so I didn't wake him up. I told Henry that he's getting tapped in tonight, though. I need more...

Thoughts on NRE

It's interesting that there has been a lot of discussion about NRE (new relationship energy) on some of my message boards, and somewhat coincidentally, I'm getting hit with a second wave of it now. And this really is breaking new ground for me- while I've experienced spillover NRE many times in the past, where my crazy happy loving feelings for a new partner spill back into my marriage, this is the first time that I've felt solidly NRE feelings for both my husband and another partner at the same time.

It's not really NRE anymore. I've been with Henry for more than 5 years now, and Charles for over a year. Technically it still could be plain old NRE with Charles, but it's a little different this time. I suspect this wave was triggered by the relationship issues we experienced, and how both my loves supported me through it.

Henry helped me when I was upset and emotional about having trouble communicating with Charles, and he made sure to step up the love and cuddles and care. It's things like this that show me that Henry is someone I will want in my life forever. He had so many ways he could have handled that. He could have been upset that my feelings in a different relationship were affecting ours; I was unhappy and I tend to withdraw both physically and emotionally when I'm upset. He could have told me that he didn't want to be my sounding board for my other relationship. He could have tried to encourage me to break up with Charles because he hates seeing me upset. He could have attempted to compare himself favorably to Charles, or pointed out that secondary relationships don't last, etc. Instead? He held me and told me how much he loves me, and just listened to me. He didn't try to fix anything unless I specifically asked for his opinion. And he gave me a massage and helped me relax and calm down. That truly is love.

And I think things kicked back up with Charles because of how our discussion shook out. It wasn't easy for either of us, and it would have been easy to get overwrought and not actually communicate what we needed to say. But we took steps to work on our communication, and we reconfirmed how much we mean to each other. I know he loves me, and I know this is real. The other night when he slept over, I was overwhelmed with the intensity of my feelings for him while we were holding each other.

Adjectives fail to describe how intense and incredible it is to experience that high of the brain chemicals that occur in NRE, but with the trust and security and experience that I've gotten in my relationships with these two men. I've had ERI (established relationship intimacy) before, but it's normally in conjunction with a pure NRE experience. This time... to have the ERI with both of them... to know that I am truly in love with both Henry and Charles and they are both in love with me... it's a height I've never explored before. I know that the intensity of the high isn't going to last very long, but I want to squeeze every drop of pleasure out of this because it's one of the most wonderful experiences I've ever had in my life.

And since I've been posting before about NRE management, I figure I'll say a few words about that here even though right now I want to keep the starry eyes and sunshine and rainbows. I made a point of it to let both of them know how I'm feeling right now, because I'm very likely going to be a bit out of character for a while. As an example, I literally called Henry out of his workshop to come back in the house because I wanted to play with his hair and smell him and tell him how much I love him. NRE lights up the human brain in the same centres as cocaine- it's literally like being on drugs. I've been sending Henry romantic texts and loving emails and telling him that I want to love him and fuck him and cuddle him and beat him and bite him and all those lovely things, all at the same time. He just laughs and tells me to go ahead any time I like. I know that I can let all my crazy out with Henry.

I told Charles what was happening because I know what I'm like during NRE. Too much is never enough. When he was here, I held him against me and left bite marks on his neck and growled in his ear that he was all mine, and all the things that I want to do to him. And he's been getting some of those kinds of texts from me, too. I got all giggly when he told me that he was going to be thinking about me all shift and that I had better be careful since he has a reputation at work to uphold!

But the best part of all this? Think of how you'd feel if your partner was like this with you. If you were getting lots of little reminders of how much they love you and how into you they are. Charles told me that he doesn't normally get giddy... but he's feeding off my NRE energy and that's kicking his back up again- and that's going to feed mine :) Sounds like a wonderful circle of happy, doesn't it? And Henry is getting all the love and cuddles and sex and connection that he wants, and I am seeing that sparkle in his eyes too. Everything goes in cycles, but I am going to enjoy every moment of this. I am so happy and in love that I can literally barely think of anything else.