People's Hearts are Not Toys

 I didn't realize that it's been so long since I posted last, but then again, a happy life sometimes doesn't have a lot of excitement to share. That doesn't mean it can't have its moments, though! :)

I'm still with both Henry and Charles, and things are going well. This summer will be my ninth year together with Henry and my fifth with Charles. Living together is still smooth sailing, which surprised me a little at how easy it's been. It's nice when we can all get along!

Last summer, Henry decided to start looking for a new partner, with my encouragement. After all, variety is always fun! He met a very nice woman who had only recently started to identify as poly after a decade of swinging/hotwifing/cuckolding with her husband. She said that she was looking for a relationship that was more than just sex, and the two of them clicked really well both in and out of bed.

They dated for six months, and had lots of fun dates. Henry met her husband a few times when he was over at their house, she came out for his birthday celebration, they stayed up late chatting with each other... sounds like things were going really well, right?

Until the shoe dropped. Her husband decided to veto Henry because he was uncomfortable that their relationship was more than just sex.

She never mentioned anything to Henry about her husband having issues with their relationship or anything like that. They hadn't even said ILY- they were just having fun and going out on dates that were more than just sex. 

It's not okay to string someone along and then veto them out of the blue like this. Henry was crushed, because of course he has some kind of feelings for her. I understand why people have vetos; but that doesn't mean I think they're ethical ways to treat people. And I hate that when people don't do their own emotional management that they're not the ones who get hurt- someone else is collateral damage. 

So here is my thought for the day while I watch Henry in pain; remember that the people with whom we have relationships (sexual or otherwise), are human beings with their own feelings, wants, and needs. They are not toys to be used in a marital relationship and then discarded. They aren't disposable because someone is feeling insecure. If you aren't adult enough to work on your own feelings of jealousy and insecurity, any kind of open relationship is a bad idea.

Happy Polyamory Day!

I haven't been writing as much lately, because sometimes I think that happy relationships are less interesting. Things are well here, and I get to experience one of the greatest joys I've ever had- loving and being loved by two wonderful men who support me in my endeavours and care about my happiness. And of course, being able to make love with each of them... that's pretty heady stuff, too. We are genuinely happy together- all three of us. I make sure to check in with both of them at different times, so that I know they are getting their needs met and as many of their wants as I can. And we've built our own little family together that all works together for the common good. I always say I don't know how long things will last like this... I truly believe that Henry and I are forever. Charles is ten years younger than I am, and still sorting himself out. One day he may choose to leave- most relationships are not forever. But that day is not today, and I will enjoy every moment that we have in the meantime. Seven years and counting with Henry, three years and counting with Charles. Certainly out of NRE and enjoying established relationships!

I have a morning poly funny to share with you all. So generally Henry keeps an earlier schedule and Charles keeps a later one because he often works until late night. I'm somewhere in between. We have all been sleeping in our own bedrooms lately since everyone actually sleeps better alone. In the morning when I wake up, I text Henry and if he's home/available, he comes upstairs for morning snuggles. When I'm going to bed at night, if I'm not already spending time with Charles (since Henry is asleep by then), he comes and we have our own silly little nighttime routine where he tucks me into bed.

So with that preamble, both my loves were home on a recent Saturday morning. I slept in very late because this week has been just exhausting. I texted Henry for my morning cuddles and we were just snuggled up and chatting for a while. Charles woke up and saw my bedroom door was open and he came in to get a hug as well. He stuck around for a moment to chat and he was also still snuggled up and Henry started giggling and said "Hey, I get Morning Susie!" and everyone cracked up.

That's not him being passive aggressive, either. He said he was glad that we can all be friendly enough that he can make jokes like that without anyone taking it too seriously. And we all got a laugh out of it.

Today is Polyamory Day. It reminds me that this is one of the last closets that might be necessary. Polyamory is not a protected ground from legal discrimination, which I think is appalling. I can understand them not wanting to revisit marriage legislation by allowing polyamorous marriages- I think that could get exceedingly complicated. But no one should ever have to worry about losing their job based on relationship status between consenting adults. That has absolutely zero to do with someone's employment.

Even when the rest of my life is full of struggles, my relationships bring me so much love and happiness. I work hard every day to make sure they both feel as much love and support and fulfillment as I do.

I am lucky that this isn't something we really have to hide, because it's not fair to the person who gets treated as a "friend" or "roommate". They deserve so much better, and shouldn't be forced to be in that closet. This is something that poly people in a "primary" couple convince themselves or a partner is necessary, and it causes so much damage. Love should not be a dirty little secret. Love should not be marginalized under couples' privilege.

Fairness and equality are two different things. People can be treated fairly and not have "equal" anything. What matters is getting their needs met, and as many of their wants as possible. People have differing needs, after all. As long as one relationship isn't artificially prioritized over the other, people can be treated fairly.

It's funny how when I was talking to someone considering nonmonogamy about polyamory, that I said the real turning point for me was when I made that shift from focusing on how polyamory would affect me and my existing relationship, to focusing on how to make everything fit well in life so that everyone involved was getting what they needed, and finding that balance. It's very easy to say that you want to be in more than one relationship or have more than one sex partner but what does that really mean? How do the logistics work? Do you live alone and visit partners? Do you live with one and visit another? Are you "out" or is one partner subjected to feeling like an affair even if they are not? If you have a cohabitating relationship with one partner, how do you sort out time and money for other relationships? Do you have "kitchen table" polyamory where everyone can get along or do you prefer parallel where the partners know and consent to the others' existence but prefer not to socialize? Don't even get me started on the toxicity of DADT. All these things can really have a profound effect between belief and action, and how well things actually work in practice.

I've been so lucky to find these two amazing men who love me and accept me for who I am. Our society is so conditioned to be monoamorous that the idea of polyamory really is scary! The idea that your partner could find someone else they think is "better" (polyamory is AND not OR). The idea that you can build in rules to be safe (rules don't stop people from cheating in monogamy let alone polyamory- rules just set up a mechanism of failure). The idea that you "own" all of your partner's free time (even in monogamy, making time together intentional gives it value).

At times, I've felt like I was walking off a cliff into the unknown. I have been lucky enough to discover that with these two people supporting me, I can fly.

Time Slips On By

I didn't realize it has been two months since I updated this! Not a lot has happened, but I guess that's true of most of the QuaranTimes. We're all just kind of stuck waiting right now... hoping that things will get better soon.

The update on Mickey is that I let things trail off. I liked chatting with him, but I was getting the distinct impression that he wanted more from me than I was interested in giving. Just a tip, when you're just starting to build a connection with someone and they're having fun getting to know you, maybe you shouldn't start using them constantly for emotional support for the other issues in your life. Up to and including messaging them in the middle of the night to see if they're up because you had a bad day. Wow. I mean, relationships are supposed to involve support and give and take... but there needs to be some kind of a relationship first! I'm disappointed because I was having fun, but better to know now that he wasn't going to be a fit then to put more time and energy into things.

I have plenty of places to put my time and energy already! My wedding anniversary with Henry is coming up. Obviously we still can't do much but we're planning to have a date night at home, just the two of us. Something low key but just focusing on being together. I'm looking forward to having that time with him!

In other exciting news that involves time and energy... Charles has moved in with us, on an ongoing basis. He gave up his old place and we moved all his stuff here. It's been interesting figuring out how to blend our furniture so that everyone is happy. And of course he has his own room that he can decorate however he likes since that's just his space.

The transition has been going pretty smoothly. I mean, he has been living here for the past most of a year anyway, what with the pandemic, and everyone has been getting along. He and Henry are friends, and Kiddo enjoys having an extra adult around to hang out with or play games. Everyone has their own room so that we all have personal space, which is really important, and everyone knows their household responsibilities.

It's been really good having him here. It's nice that even on days where he is busy or tired, that we can still grab a few moments of cuddles or conversation, or at least see each other around the dinner table. Charles is generally a very busy man, so even once covid is over, if he hadn't stayed we would probably only see each other 2 nights a week, and neither of us wanted that when this feels comfortable and is currently working for all of us. If that changes, we'll revisit it. I'm so lucky that the boys are both so easygoing and that they like each other as friends. I'm the high strung one of the three of us!

This wasn't just for convenience, though... we talked about this, and it was a conscious choice to create further entwinement for us. We didn't want to just fall into being together because covid. We wanted to build more "us". It's been interesting, because I never thought that I would have two serious relationships. This certainly isn't something that I sought out. I'm very happy with Henry, and he is absolutely my life partner. Charles and I haven't committed to anything like that yet, and who knows what the future will hold? But for now, we're choosing us, and that's good enough for me.

While everything else is stressful right now because of the pandemic, at least my life is full of love.

A Year in the Ivory Tower

 Today was a year since we started our isolation, which is a pretty crazy thought. I remember all the fear and uncertainty, and those are still present but buried a bit more under the weight of emotional exhaustion over time. 

It's been a hard year. On the other hand, I think it's drawn us closer together. Henry and I realized we haven't fought even once, all this time. I mean, it's not like we fight much anyway because that's not the way we are- I believe we have worked out much better patterns to sort out disagreements. But zero fights in a year is pretty awesome. 

This was a tumultuous year with Charles, with him going back and forth about what he wanted and needed, and now he's been living with us for 7 months. He's still playing with the idea of staying longer term but we haven't made a decision yet. We're open to the idea but right now isn't the time for long-term planning. 

I'm very much in love with both of my wonderful men, and they're both very much in love with me. The world may be falling apart, but my love life is pretty amazing. Having two people love me like this... words can't even describe how incredible it is. And it's starting to have that feeling of stability. This summer will be seven years with Henry and three years with Charles. It's finally feeling like we have our footing a bit and that this really is a Thing. 

I've had another little flirtation as well, despite the fact that covid precautions means that I won't be meeting anyone in person until we're both vaccinated. I don't normally respond to people who flirt with me in the Poly discussion groups, but this one got my attention. 

I'm a member of some poly groups on Facebook and while I'm not super active there right now, things do come across my feed because I try to give advice when I can. Some relationships really are dumpster fire!. People not communicating, people making terrible unilateral decisions, people violating consent... sigh. It makes me feel sad for the people who stay in them for whatever reason. 

At any rate, sometimes people just post funny things. Someone posted a picture of a line from an old dating handbook that says "You may fascinate a woman by giving her cheese." Now, anyone who knows me, knows that I LOVE cheese. One of my favourite date nights with Henry is to get a bottle of prosecco and a nice cheese and charcuterie board. So I commented on the post, "please give me cheese!" And someone replied to my comment "... is a good boy and will do what he's told." umph.. be still my heart! I asked if I knew this guy and he said no. I figured maybe he had heard of me through Fetlife or one of the kink groups, but apparently not. Just made a lucky guess in a way that I found very appealing. I showed Henry and Charles and laughed, and Henry said I should send the guy a message because he was obviously flirting with me. Well, it sure did get my attention so why not? No harm in sending a few messages. 

So we've been chatting for a week or so and he's an interesting guy. Long term poly, so at least I can avoid all the newbie crap, and has a good sense of humour. It may not go anywhere but hey even a nice idle conversation is good times. And of course I can make the joke that my husband is the best wingman ever! I'm calling the new guy Mickey, because cheese, and because I feel like being silly today. He confessed today that's hes got a crush on me. I'm not entirely surprised, given that he's been messaging me every day and we've been bantering a little bit. I enjoy chatting with him but who knows what kind of chemistry we will have in person. He did ask me a while back where I was in terms of polysaturation and I explained that I probably did not have the time or emotional spoons for a serious romantic relationship, but that I was open to whatever the connection dictated given those constraints. I don't have interest in trying to have a third serious partner, but I'd be okay with anything from friends, to friends with benefits, to casual dating if we click in that direction. We haven't even met in person though so I have no plans whatsoever. We'll see what happens when we're both vaccinated and past the waiting period.

I have to admit though that it's nice being pursued. Normally I'm the pursuer and I do like it that way, but he's not doing it in that ridiculous "alpha male" nonsense kind of way with all the condescension and other nonsense- he's just learning about me and building a connection and occasionally one of us throws in a flirt. I like that. It's respectful and playful and fun without being pushy. And frankly, I could always use a little bit of fun.So it's been a weird year... it feels like we've just been sitting here and waiting. And waiting. I miss so many things and people right now. But at least I have my loves close, and an idle flirtation to while away my time. I have good days and bad days, so I try to enjoy every moment that I can. I'll try to write more if I have the emotional energy for it. There have been lots of good times with my boys. I do miss dating women, but eh- people are not Pokemon. When things settle down, who knows what the world will be like?

Missing the Fun

 So like I said, there just hasn't been all that much energy for kink and fun. While I've still been wanting sex, everyone's drive is down, and there's just less time for fun so it has tended to be more on the vanilla side. Henry and I still use sex toys, but the BDSM toys haven't come out in a long time now. We're all missing it.

When Charles found out how far short he was in the 2020 stats, he made a joke about quality over quantity but then said he'd see what he could do. I reminded him that my sessions with Henry were both quality AND quantity and he laughed.

I was squeezing in an afternoon nap yesterday, and while I was lazily waking up I sent Charles a text since I hadn't seen him yet. He came in for some cuddles and we chatted a bit while I was still a bit groggy. He told me that when he saw my bedroom door closed he had been hoping that Henry and I were having some sexy times instead. He said that he got all caught up in fantasizing what we were doing- both my boys enjoy hearing about my sexy stories. Also, Charles said that he had been wearing his chastity device for a couple of days and that was getting him all worked up. 

We don't have a dynamic around chastity play; it's just something fun to do once in a while. Henry also has a device. I don't enjoy chastity play as part of long term denial- just as something to bring passion up to fever pitch and maybe prolong some fun times.

So here Charles was in my bed, fully dressed, while I was naked and sleepy from my nap, and I could feel his cage against my leg. He asked if we could have a date night later and I told him of course we could. But I guess he couldn't quite wait until later and he gently parted my thighs and started slowly tracing circles around my clit with his tongue. I hadn't been particularly horny, but this was a lovely way to wake up... slowly building arousal. He slid two fingers into my pussy while he kept sucking and licking my clit and it wasn't long before I was starting to grind my cunt on his face and moaning in pleasure. When he came up for air the expression on his face was just perfect- he looked like he was drunk on me, and his face was just covered with my pussy juices. He told me afterwards he felt drunk on me, just wanting to make me feel so good. It was a lovely moment.

But now I really needed to cum... I thrust my hips a little more insistently and he added another finger to my tight cunt and started fucking me harder while he licked and sucked my clit. When he added a fourth and started to rub my A spot I couldn't bite back that loud gasp of intensity when I came all over his face in a hot wet rush. It was such a lovely wake up!

He was leaking through his cage... but that had to wait for later when we'd have more time in the evening.

He was waiting for me in my bedroom at the time I gave him, in the pretty pink lace panties I bought him, with shaved legs, and a lovely black lace garter belt and stockings. He looks so pretty for me when he takes the time to get dressed up! And he turned red and blushed when I told him so, but he said that he loves getting pretty for me.

I couldn't help but to bend him over the bed and give his ass a firm smack or two, and run my nails over the very sensitive skin on display, especially that sweet spot where the thigh meets the ass. So much fun! Like a good boy he had his remote controlled vibrator in already as well, so when I spanked him it felt like the vibrator was fucking him already. And of course his cage was still firmly locked on and I love to tease...

I slid out of my bathrobe and climbed onto the bed and spread my legs wide so that he could see my pussy lips already starting to shine wet with arousal. I told him to show me how badly he needed to cum... and that if he was a good boy, I'd let him. 

My obedient boy dove right in like my pussy was the most delicious treat he'd ever had- and in the moment it might have been. His eyes were already starting to glaze over from the heady cocktail of subspace and desire and all the buildup of the day. Charles really does zone out hard- it was one of the reasons I was so careful playing with him early on in our relationship, because he does go to a place where he is less likely to be responsive, and taking care of him is my primary concern. But now that we know each other well, we can both relax and enjoy our times together when all he can think about is being with me and enjoying the moment, and trust that I will take care of him.

His tongue on my clit felt amazing... but he knows how I like to be touched. And since I promised him a reward I couldn't make things too easy for him, right? So I started to buzz that vibrator in his ass and watched him try to catch his breath! He is so good for me though, he did his best to focus on my dripping wet cunt while I did my best to distract him from it. But I enjoyed the show so much that I knew it wasn't going to be long and when he started working his fingers inside my pussy it felt so good... I started bucking my hips up towards his mouth and when he hit the perfect spot I grabbed his hair and held his face down while I exploded all over him with a loud moan.

So now a reward for my good little boy toy. I unlocked his cage and he started to stiffen immediately. His panties were already soaked from the precum that had been dripping from his poor cock that hadn't been able to get hard before. I told him to take it all off, and take out the vibrator and go wash his hands. While he was in the other room, I put on my strap on harness and one of my favourite dildos- a reasonable size but with lots of fun ridges. I lubed it up and lay back down on the bed with my cock in the air. When Charles returned, I told him I wanted him to put on a show for me.

And what a show it was! He slowly lowered himself onto my cock, one inch at a time, with delightful little groans of shame and pleasure. I told him what a good little whore he was, and he said "Yes- I'm your whore." And so he is. I love that he wants to explore that line of erotic embarrassment with me. The mental aspects of BDSM are my ultimate turnon.

When my cock was firmly seated in his tight little ass, he started to ride me, his silky stockings rubbing against my thighs while he moved up and down on my pink cock. I told him what a dirty slut he was, fucking himself for my amusement. His cock was so hard and still leaking. I reached over to the lube bottle and started to stroke his cock while he was bouncing on mine. I don't think either of us realized how close he was to cumming since he told me afterwards he didn't have time to tell me- but he let out a loud gasp and sprayed cum all over my breasts and my face and in my hair and on the headboard!

Maybe not so sexy but I just burst out laughing in the moment because of the surprise! I don't have a particular aversion to getting messy like that but I hadn't been expecting it. I'm sure I was a lovely mess like in the porn cumshots because that was definitely a few days all saved up! We went for a shower afterwards to get cleaned up together and it was a nice way to wind down from a very sexy day. Lots of kisses and intimacy and loving before we went back and changed the bed for some cuddles. It was a really lovely day.

2020 by the Numbers

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Brief Update

 Wow, I do not like this new interface! It's definitely distracting and I miss the old Blogger. I had been considering moving my blog to its own site before COVID-19 hit but it's just not been a priority since then. But I don't want to lose this blog- it's my life and my memories.

I appreciate the comments and messages I've been getting. We are all okay but still under a great deal of stress. We've been mostly in isolation since March 13, and that's a little crazy-making for anyone. But given Henry's health conditions, surviving this pandemic is the most important thing for us to pay attention to.

A lot has happened over the past eight months. Hard to believe it's been so long! Time has been really squishy. It feels like it's been this way forever, but also that days can last forever. It hasn't been great, to say the least. I've been journaling in my private diary just because otherwise I won't remember things, but I haven't felt like writing much here because my life hasn't been all that sexy and glamourous lol. I mean, how can it be when we're in isolation, right? We are exhausted most of the time from pandemic stress and since we haven't had a night off from Kiddo in 8 months, we haven't been able to have lots of privacy for fun times. I miss BDSM. We can't really engage in that sort of thing. Normally we would (with a locked bedroom door) when Kiddo is asleep but we are tired by the end of the day so no energy for that sort of thing, sadly.

The spring and summer were really tough on my relationship with Charles. He came to stay with us during the early stages of lockdown, but as things eased up he had to go back to work. And he works with the public, so that was a level of risk that simply wasn't safe for Henry. 

So for the summer, we only saw each other socially distanced, and that was one of the hardest things I've had to deal with in a relationship. Desperately wanting hugs and physical connection, having him be right there, and not being able to get closer than 2m. 

It just wasn't working for me. Physical intimacy is one of my primary love languages. Not just sex, but that's a big part of it, too. I can enjoy casual sex and sport fucking without romance, but I can't maintain a romantic relationship without sex and cuddles and physical intimacy. It causes me more pain than happiness.

So Henry and I had a long conversation, and tried to figure out how we could mitigate some of the risks so that Charles and I could be together in person. The biggest stumbling block was his work, and the fact that he lives with housemates. Way too many potential vectors of infection to be controlled. We came up with a few workable solutions and then sat down with Charles to go over the possibilities.

The last thing I wanted was to break up with Charles because he's become so very important to me. But my mental health has been suffering with the isolation and anxiety throughout the pandemic, so I didn't think I could handle not seeing Charles and still trying to maintain a connection. 

We have a spare room, so we suggested that Charles move in with us for the duration of the pandemic, as long as he was willing to distance socially from his other connections and wear an N95 mask at work instead of a cloth mask. That's a big ask though, and I knew it. It meant that he couldn't share a bubble with anyone else because it was too risky for Henry. So no more hanging out with his housemates and friends over a beer unless they were outside and socially distanced. No visiting anyone indoors unless he was wearing his N95 mask. And moving into a house with a kid when he doesn't have any of his own? That's quite a change, too.

He needed some time to think about it, and I can't blame him for that. COVID-19 has been so destructive on so many aspects of our lives. I didn't want it to take my boyfriend, too. But that is a lot of changes for him to make just to see me!

He decided to try. He told me that I was worth it, that our relationship was worth it. So he moved in with us in August on a temporary basis.

It hasn't always been easy. The room we have is pretty small and he hasn't moved all his things over since it's just temporary, so he's mostly using our furniture and there's still some junk in the closet. Getting used to Kiddo has been issues too, since he's home all the time as well because of distance learning. 

But it's been going surprisingly well! Kiddo loves having him here- one more adult to chat with and play games with. Henry and Charles have become friends, so they enjoy each other's company. There's one more adult to share chores and get things done, and you'd be surprised how much that helps! I was joking with some of my mono friends that I don't know why more people don't want a third adult in the house because it makes life so much easier!

And of course, it's much much better for me. The days where I can basically bounce back and forth between Charles and Henry are pretty wonderful. I get twice as many hugs and cuddles, more date nights, and lots of intimate connection. Plus sex! I have a much higher sex drive than either of them but having both of them helps a lot :)

While life has been pretty stressful, there are moments where I do feel unbelievably lucky in context. They both look at me with that same look in their eyes, the one that says I love you without words needed. They both show me that I matter to them- look what they have both given up for my happiness. They both go out of their way to make me happy and I really need that. When I see how some people have a hard time finding even one reasonable partner and I have two wonderful ones, it's hard to believe that I deserve it. Charles and I have been dating now for nearly 2 1/2 years, and he's a very big part of my life.

Balancing time hasn't been too much of an issue. Charles has online social connections with his friends about every other day, so I spend those evenings with Henry. We generally all eat meals together when everyone is home, so it's starting to feel like family. Not yet... but good enough. Both Henry and Charles are under pandemic stress too, but they say that I'm meeting their needs. After all, everyone needs some alone time too. We spend some time hanging out all together and some one on one time- every relationship needs its own space, too.

But life really comes down to the little moments, though. Henry and I have always had morning cuddles. Henry is an early riser, and I will sleep as late as I can. So when I wake up in the morning, I text him and he comes upstairs for snuggles. Some mornings if Charles isn't at work early, he comes in too and I get double cuddles which is pretty fantastic. Or the days where Charles takes Kiddo for a walk so that Henry and I can get a few brief moments of alone time during the day. Or getting two goodnight hugs. My life may have a lot of anxiety and stress at the moment, but it's also full of love and that's pretty amazing.