Happy Polyamory Day!

I haven't been writing as much lately, because sometimes I think that happy relationships are less interesting. Things are well here, and I get to experience one of the greatest joys I've ever had- loving and being loved by two wonderful men who support me in my endeavours and care about my happiness. And of course, being able to make love with each of them... that's pretty heady stuff, too. We are genuinely happy together- all three of us. I make sure to check in with both of them at different times, so that I know they are getting their needs met and as many of their wants as I can. And we've built our own little family together that all works together for the common good. I always say I don't know how long things will last like this... I truly believe that Henry and I are forever. Charles is ten years younger than I am, and still sorting himself out. One day he may choose to leave- most relationships are not forever. But that day is not today, and I will enjoy every moment that we have in the meantime. Seven years and counting with Henry, three years and counting with Charles. Certainly out of NRE and enjoying established relationships!

I have a morning poly funny to share with you all. So generally Henry keeps an earlier schedule and Charles keeps a later one because he often works until late night. I'm somewhere in between. We have all been sleeping in our own bedrooms lately since everyone actually sleeps better alone. In the morning when I wake up, I text Henry and if he's home/available, he comes upstairs for morning snuggles. When I'm going to bed at night, if I'm not already spending time with Charles (since Henry is asleep by then), he comes and we have our own silly little nighttime routine where he tucks me into bed.

So with that preamble, both my loves were home on a recent Saturday morning. I slept in very late because this week has been just exhausting. I texted Henry for my morning cuddles and we were just snuggled up and chatting for a while. Charles woke up and saw my bedroom door was open and he came in to get a hug as well. He stuck around for a moment to chat and he was also still snuggled up and Henry started giggling and said "Hey, I get Morning Susie!" and everyone cracked up.

That's not him being passive aggressive, either. He said he was glad that we can all be friendly enough that he can make jokes like that without anyone taking it too seriously. And we all got a laugh out of it.

Today is Polyamory Day. It reminds me that this is one of the last closets that might be necessary. Polyamory is not a protected ground from legal discrimination, which I think is appalling. I can understand them not wanting to revisit marriage legislation by allowing polyamorous marriages- I think that could get exceedingly complicated. But no one should ever have to worry about losing their job based on relationship status between consenting adults. That has absolutely zero to do with someone's employment.

Even when the rest of my life is full of struggles, my relationships bring me so much love and happiness. I work hard every day to make sure they both feel as much love and support and fulfillment as I do.

I am lucky that this isn't something we really have to hide, because it's not fair to the person who gets treated as a "friend" or "roommate". They deserve so much better, and shouldn't be forced to be in that closet. This is something that poly people in a "primary" couple convince themselves or a partner is necessary, and it causes so much damage. Love should not be a dirty little secret. Love should not be marginalized under couples' privilege.

Fairness and equality are two different things. People can be treated fairly and not have "equal" anything. What matters is getting their needs met, and as many of their wants as possible. People have differing needs, after all. As long as one relationship isn't artificially prioritized over the other, people can be treated fairly.

It's funny how when I was talking to someone considering nonmonogamy about polyamory, that I said the real turning point for me was when I made that shift from focusing on how polyamory would affect me and my existing relationship, to focusing on how to make everything fit well in life so that everyone involved was getting what they needed, and finding that balance. It's very easy to say that you want to be in more than one relationship or have more than one sex partner but what does that really mean? How do the logistics work? Do you live alone and visit partners? Do you live with one and visit another? Are you "out" or is one partner subjected to feeling like an affair even if they are not? If you have a cohabitating relationship with one partner, how do you sort out time and money for other relationships? Do you have "kitchen table" polyamory where everyone can get along or do you prefer parallel where the partners know and consent to the others' existence but prefer not to socialize? Don't even get me started on the toxicity of DADT. All these things can really have a profound effect between belief and action, and how well things actually work in practice.

I've been so lucky to find these two amazing men who love me and accept me for who I am. Our society is so conditioned to be monoamorous that the idea of polyamory really is scary! The idea that your partner could find someone else they think is "better" (polyamory is AND not OR). The idea that you can build in rules to be safe (rules don't stop people from cheating in monogamy let alone polyamory- rules just set up a mechanism of failure). The idea that you "own" all of your partner's free time (even in monogamy, making time together intentional gives it value).

At times, I've felt like I was walking off a cliff into the unknown. I have been lucky enough to discover that with these two people supporting me, I can fly.