Sex in Numbers

Well, it's been an interesting year, plotting my sex life in numbers. I have really enjoyed using xTracker, since it keeps a lot of meaningful stats. I do wish that it had a separate function for both giving and receiving oral sex though, so I just track blowjobs as handjobs lol since I don't really do that to completion. It's been very interesting going over the raw statistics! I look forward to comparing this coming year's data. I can track sexual encounters by partner (and can pick more than 1!), store pics, and keep track of everything from number of orgasms to what activities we did in what positions to where my partner ejaculates. Definitely an app I'd recommend for hotwife couples!

At the beginning of the year, I had said that I wanted to have sex on average 4 times per week. Well, everyone told me that target was a bit too ambitious for reality, and I suppose it was. It looks like I am going to finish the year at 133 times, or just over 2.5 times per week. I think there is still a lot of room for improvement!

I've still only had the same two sex partners this year, which I find sort of interesting. I don't consider myself a polyfidelitous sort of person, because I like leaving myself available for opportunities. I've had a few so far but they just didn't seem appealing enough. Life's been busy, my two men are both wonderful in the sack, and nothing has caught my attention hard enough to make me want to change it up. I'm sure it'll happen in the future, especially if I meet another woman I'm attracted to. I do miss playing with women!

I read an interesting article about how sex and sexuality is changing in recent times- even over the last twenty years. Apparently the amount of sex people having is on the decline, and the average person had sex 62 times a year in the 1990s, and the most recent measurement had declined to 54 times by 2014. I guess even this year of mine where I had less was still more than double average! But then again, I do have a very high sex drive ;)   I wish they had tracked duration, as well. I suspect that my average encounter is far longer than the societal average (although then I suppose we'd have to specify what they are counting as sex?). One company has it marked pretty low:

I do think it's sad to read that people are struggling to build the kinds of connections that will let them develop intimacy. It's certainly made me consider what kinds of things I want to teach Kiddo so that he can learn to build healthy relationships when he matures. Being able to make intimate connections is so important to emotional health and happiness.

I'm so lucky to have Charles and Henry in my life. I agree that the best sex comes with partners who have been around enough to learn what you like. Having encounters with new people is fun, but nothing beats a lover touching you exactly the way you like to be touched.

Looking forward to 2020 and lots of sex and happiness!

Merry Poly Christmas!

It truly has been a wonderful holiday season.

And I'll drop yet another plug for living life authentically; when you are open about who you are, not only do you not feel ashamed of your choices but you can make the choices that give you the most happiness without worrying about what other people think.

So instead of wishing and wanting, I had exactly who I wanted over for the holidays. Henry and I host Christmas, as always. We invited my family over. His family is never around for Christmas since they are snowbirds, but they were here for Thanksgiving, which apparently I didn't remember to write about. Sometimes just living life keeps me busy :)

Anyway, so my parents came, as well as a few friends we invited, and then me, Henry, Kiddo, and Charles. My parents had met Charles at Thanksgiving, and although they don't understand poly, they like to see me happy and they were still polite. My mom was a little embarrassing at Christmas with stories about me but we were all enjoying the wine and food and company, so I can live with that. I got to enjoy the holiday with my nearest and dearest without any drama and it felt so good.

We have our dinner on Christmas Eve, so once Kiddo went to bed, everyone cleared out and we stuffed the stockings and put all the presents under the Christmas tree. Charles was staying over to be part of our festivities on Christmas morning which means a lot to me. We don't mind hosting lots of people for Christmas dinner on the 24th but we generally keep Christmas morning to be just our family. I don't think of Charles as family yet, we've only been dating for 18 months, but he is important to me, so I wanted to have him here this year to celebrate with us.

So once all the preparations were made, we were all pretty tired and the boys collapsed onto either end of the couch. I lay down with them, with my upper body lying across Henry and my legs and bare feet in Charles' lap. If we weren't all so tired this could have gone fun places, since I was wearing a sundress (yup, in December!) and no panties. But we were tired, so instead it just wound up being cuddly and loving and wonderful. Henry was still rubbing my neck and upper chest and Charles was stroking my feet and legs but I was just exhausted from all the holiday stress so I just enjoyed being close to both of them. And we all just hung out and talked about normal stuff, nothing sexual or relationshippy or anything like that. I love that my boys can get along with each other and they are actually friends!

Since it had come up before, we planned in advance who I would be sleeping with. One of life's poly problems is that I can only be in one place at a time, and I don't like sleeping in a bed with three people since I like having a lot of space to move around and hate being touched at night. In our first year together, it made sense that whenever Charles was here, that I slept with him. After all, Henry gets by far the majority of my nights. But since this has become an ongoing thing, it doesn't feel right that Henry never gets any of the special occasions, and I wanted to make sure that he was happy and feeling good too. So we agreed for this year that Charles got my birthday party weekend and New Year's Eve, and Henry got my actual birthday and Christmas. So I joked that I was reverse cuckolding Charles as we tucked him into the guest room while I went to bed in my bedroom with Henry!

Christmas morning was pretty fantastic, too, although I was very tired again. Henry made our traditional Christmas breakfast, which is snowman pancakes decorated with chocolate chips, and double smoked bacon scarves. My parents had returned to open gifts in the morning, and it was nice being with everyone for our low key celebration. They don't know Charles well but made sure there was a gift for him under the tree as well. Being authentic can be so rewarding!

Once the gifts were open and the wrapping paper was thrown out, Charles came over to give me a Christmas hug, and since Henry was within arm's length I reached out to him too. I wound up in the centre of a giant squishy hug from the two of them and got my Christmas kiss from Henry and then leaned over and got my Christmas kiss from Charles, too. That was a pretty awesome feeling!

And when we had a little privacy, Charles gave me my last Christmas gift- the key to his new chastity device. I think we are going to have some fun with that! I know it's not typical hotwifing since it seems I do a lot of the cuckolding type activities with my boyfriend, but labels are sticky and no fun- we do what works for us all!

So the holidays have been pretty wonderful, and I've even gotten some good quality time with Henry in, too. Asking for a friend... how many sex sessions would you count four hours of amazing, bedrocking sex as, and why? (if you base it on male ejaculations, you're fired from commenting here again!)  I did count it as one but it's fun to think about. I'll have some interesting comments on statistics for the end of the year.

Happy holidays, everyone!

More Thoughts on Communication

There have been some interesting topics of conversation on the various forums that I haunt lately, and so I thought I'd share some of my thoughts here as well. I was asked how Henry and I communicate.

Looking back, my communication with my ex husband Mark was a disaster. We did so many things wrong. Unfortunately, I think that may be a more common thing when you meet as young as we did- we were only 17 years old when we started dating. We developed some really unhealthy patterns and were unable to figure out how to break them. Between that and life sending us in different directions (which had absolutely zero to do with hotwifing), our marriage was not going to last.

Henry and I communicate very well- in fact, it's one of our strong suits. We had to work at it because our communication patterns are so different. I used to be the kind of person who got very worked up when we argued. It would be more important for me to be right than to keep the peace. I definitely did a lot of things wrong before when I was learning how to communicate effectively.

I got lucky with Henry, because he is so good at de-escalation and focusing on the issue. We were able to find ways to work out issues by always using the team approach. Even when we are angry, we remember that our partner is hurting too and that ultimately, we want to work things out for the best of both of us. We are not enemies.

So, we have a few strategies. The first we got from the book Living M/s (an excellent book even if you don't have a D/s relationship), and it's called Porch Time. Basically, it doesn't have to be a porch, but it's a quiet place where either partner can ask to go right away to talk or vent with no recriminations. There is no defending oneself during porch time- it is always always always a safe space to vent and to listen to your partner. When both partners are calm, that's when productive discussion of an issue can happen.

We also specifically request consent before discussing a topic that could be emotional or involved. We never ambush each other or suddenly drop a topic. We say, I have an issue we need to discuss. Is now a good time? And the other person if they aren't feeling up to it will say, now isn't a good time, I am tired/distracted/whatever, can we do this on X date? And then we can discuss it when we're both mentally able to be present and proactive. It's not fair to dump a heavy issue on your partner when they can't devote time to it- either to you or to them because the odds of actually solving the problem reduce exponentially.

There is a big difference between that and walking away from an angry/upset partner. I recognize that there seem to be two camps of people; ones who get worked up during a fight and ones who need to retreat/calm down. The problem is that if you don't pay specific issue to that problem it can significantly worsen the marital bond. It was one of the worst problems I had with my ex-husband Mark. I'd get upset and he would literally walk away from me and tell me we could talk when I calmed down. That is one of the worst ways to dismiss someone's emotions out of hand and invalidate them as a human being. It's totally okay to disagree with someone's thoughts. The difference is in how you handle that. If you love and care for someone, then you can support them through difficult feelings even if you don't agree with them. Validation is the most important part of listening, and validation doesn't mean agreement. It just means you are hearing someone and care for them.

Feelings are never wrong. They're just the equivalent of emotional weather and they will pass. Actions based on feelings can be wrong. Thoughts can be wrong. Feelings are just feelings. What's important to remember is that you're a team and that you want to solve problems as a team. Your partner is not your enemy, even if they're doing something you think is wrong. You just have to figure the best way to solve things for the team. Always always always person first. Remember that this is someone you love who is upset or hurting. Person and feelings, then solving the problem.

For that matter, solving the problem might just be listening. It's always good to ask your partner what their desired outcome is. Maybe they literally just want you to listen. Maybe they have a solution in mind already that will need to be discussed. But trying to solve when someone just wants to be heard is just as bad as tuning out. It's also pretty arrogant, too. Think about it- someone is obviously been thinking about an issue enough to get upset about it, they've probably been thinking about options. If you think you can just waltz in after 5 minutes and solve it for them, you're seriously implying that they aren't smart enough to work out their own solution and that's both rude and arrogant. Immediately presenting someone with a solution is generally a poorly received option unless they're asking you for one.

So remember- First make sure both partners are ready and willing to participate in a loaded conversation. Then, respect the person, listen to their feelings, ask what they want from you, then go to potential solutions. I suspect that your next argument will go much more smoothly if both partners use these techniques.

What Makes Relationships Work?

I've been doing a lot of reading lately on Emotional Intelligence and various marriage advice books as I find it is really interesting to learn from all the different perspectives. And on that note, I do spend time reading on many relationship forums, from ones designed for newly engaged couples or honeymooners, to Fetlife, to forums on various forms of consensual or nonconsensual nonmonogamy. It's very interesting seeing the wide variety of ways that people manage their relationships, how they express their wants and needs, and even what their wants and needs actually are. I think that regardless of whether or not the concepts that I see fit into what I want in my relationships, there is always something to be learned from other perspectives, even if it's only so that we stop and think about our response and reexamine why we feel the way that we do.

If you're curious, the books I've been reading lately are Emotional Intelligence by Daniel Goleman, which I think is really a fabulous in-depth look at how our brains process emotion and how we can change our emotional responses. I've also been reading How to Be an Adult in Relationships by David Richo, which I found slightly less useful as it comes at things from a very Eastern perspective and that doesn't really resonate with me. However, I found the concepts useful and worth discussing, it was just more effort to parse the material and take what worked for me and leave the rest. The third book I've been reading is Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work by John Gottman, which I found intriguing as it opened by basically refuting standard practice in marriage counseling and shifting perspective to a new take on things. I'd also highly recommend The Polyamory Toolkit by Dan & Dawn Williams, who are great authors and they share a variety of perspectives about personal growth and emotional management that you may find useful whether your relationship is poly or not.

I like learning about new things, and I love playing with ideas, if you haven't learned that about me yet. While I'd like to think that I'm very emotionally literate and have become more so over the years since I believe that consensual nonmonogamy requires an additional level of communication in relationships. I also believe that there is always more to learn and the biggest mistake you can make is thinking that you know it all. Especially when it comes to people- we are all so different, and learning about the different perspectives people have helps me widen my frame of reference.

What sparked all this internal processing was that Charles and Henry both have very different communication styles and different ways of relating. Henry and I are very much in sync, and Charles and I are still learning each other. Sometimes it feels like we are speaking different languages! Fortunately, I think it helps that I do try to spend time drilling down and figuring out what the actual issues are that bother me, and I think I am better than average at expressing those things. I suspect that makes it easier for us to work through issues as we learn to communicate in ways that are more easily heard by our partner.

I always tell people that communication is so important, but I wonder sometimes if they and their partner both have similar ideas as to what the other person wants from them when they communicate something. Personally, when I express a feeling to my partner, I am not looking for a quick fix. In fact, I find it pretty arrogant when someone thinks they can solve my issue right off the bat, as though I don't have perspective on my own situation. Generally, what I'm looking for is validation- you don't have to agree with my thoughts or feelings, but a simple mirroring back that shows me that you've heard and understood what I've said is absolutely priceless. It says to me that even if the topic doesn't matter, that I matter to the listener.

Not everyone processes things the way Henry and I do. In one of those books I mentioned above, one of the featured couples dealt with frustration by him turning on ESPN or she would go shopping. I honestly can't understand how they can be happy together if they don't actually work out their issues, but what is important in this context is that they are both happy with how they manage issues- neither one of them is secretly (or not-so-secretly) frustrated and bitter about the lack of active resolution. So while I would be miserably unhappy in that type of arrangement, they found a way to make it work for them. This is one of the reasons why I continue to trumpet that the lack of universality is one of the best features in relationships- there is no right or wrong as long as there is informed consent. People should structure their relationships to suit the people involved and not worry about what's "normal".

So it's been interesting when Charles and I have been dealing with issues in how we communicate. His way of managing things isn't wrong; it's just different from what I am used to, and he isn't used to doing things the way that I do. I'm really glad that we have the tools to build on this because our relationship is pretty amazing and he makes me so happy- I don't want to throw out the baby with the bathwater! But communication is very important to me, so if we couldn't find a positive way to resolve things, it would likely have ended our relationship.

I also don't think he's used to dealing with someone who is as passionate as I am, in general. I joke that I live my life with the dial set to eleven; I feel my feelings in a magnified sort of way, which is beyond wonderful when things are going well and rather rough when they are not. I generally manage my emotions fairly well, and I have to admit that sharing my NRE with him has been pretty wonderful too.

So how do we handle this? We both read the books, and we're putting emphasis on remembering that our partner speaks our language with a slight foreign accent. So when we need a certain kind of response, we mention that before we get into the thought or feeling we want to share. If I'm upset about something, I ask him to restate back what I've said so that I can be sure he understands me, and then I share the thought or feeling. If he needs something from me, I recognize that he may not be able to share it right away and that I will hold space for him to find his words. Together, we can take this as an opportunity to deepen our connection simply by prioritizing it.

Poor guy has been sick this week and my life has been beyond busy with family and work stuff, so we haven't seen each other or talked beyond a few texts in the last week. I am hoping to see him for our regular date night tomorrow but it'll depend on how he's feeling- I don't really want to get sick either, let alone Henry or Kiddo. I'm looking forward to seeing him again soon, though.

I haven't gotten as much quality time with Henry either since there's been so much going on. He's got a giant work project on deadline plus he's getting snipped on Friday so that's taking up a lot of his time and energy! Isn't real life fun? Who would have thought that with two lovely men in my life that I'd still be missing sex and cuddles right now?

Birthday #1

This weekend just went by way too quickly!

Friday was a wonderful date night with Henry. We enjoyed getting a little buzzy and then spent the next four hours having amazing sex. It's so good when we build in that intentional space for us to really connect with each other. The grass is greener where it's watered, right? We were still a little tired Saturday morning, but no rest for the wicked as it was my birthday party!

My actual birthday isn't till next week, but schedule worked best for today. If anyone would like to send me a little something-something as a birthday present, my Amazon wishlist has some new items on it, and I really appreciate you thinking of me!

My birthday party was laid back and fun, just an open house kind of thing with some friends, good food, drinks, music, and hot tubbing. Charles slept over after the party. I know I had written previously about being worried about Henry missing out on special occasions, but we felt that we were able to strike a good balance since he got that very busy Friday night, and he asked for NYE this year, which is more than reasonable. I am still not really sure where that leaves Charles but we will figure something out, since he's planning to spend the holiday with us anyway, assuming nothing drastically bad happens. We usually have a pretty low key party, but it's always nice to have both my partners there with all my friends and everything is just normal. My neighbours dropped by as well, which is always. The woman knows that we're open/poly even though she doesn't get it- she finds it really weird. Which I find weird since they cheat on each other all the time! (her partner actually has a child the same age as their three-year-old with his sort of ex-wife that he never legally divorced). But the idea of it being open and ethical, and Henry and Charles being friends, doesn't make sense to her. It takes all kinds... but I just can't support cheating as an acceptable option when they are perfectly aware they could negotiate something they would both be happier with.

I wound up getting less sleep than I wanted, but that's a thing that happens. My birthday cake was delicious and I had a lovely time with my friends.

Charles likes certain kinds of embarrassment, so I enjoyed watching him flush a little bit when my friends who stayed over were arguing over breakfast the next morning, and I announced that Charles had already had his. Henry is entirely unflappable so it's nice to have a partner who does enjoy that tinge of erotic shame. And my friends don't mind playing along, so this doesn't qualify as tapping the tank- we don't play those sorts of games in front of nonconsenting people.

Henry and I agreed not to do gifts this year but to find some sort of experience we'd like to do and put money towards that instead. We haven't figured one out yet, but I'm sure we'll come up with something.

We're considering going to a swingers' weekend event in February, but those sorts of things get expensive. I think it would be fun to go to something like that, though. I just wish that the swing community was less heteronormative and couple-centric. I saw that their icebreaker is "couples speed dating". So there's an automatic presumption that everyone is there as a heterosexual couple, even though it's marketed as an event open to the poly and queer communities. They're saying couples and single women only, so I guess I couldn't bring both Charles and Henry if I wanted to. Neither of them is single, but under the event definitions, I can only be in a couple with one of them. I'm not impressed, but you can't change norms in one day.

It's been a pretty awesome weekend, it just went by too quickly! But I guess the good days do that.

Ethics & Growth in Nonmonogamy

So it's funny- I heard an expression once that said, first year forming, second year storming, third year norming. It's starting to make a lot of sense. I hadn't thought about it in past relationships but it might be so. At least for those that are looking at becoming long term things and not casual.

Charles and I have been spending more time lately doing relationship processing. I think it's more difficult in a nontraditional relationship because of the lack of relationship escalator. Think about it- when you're in a monogamous relationship, as you become more committed, there are societal steps that people tend to follow to escalate their commitment to each other. You "become exclusive", or move in together, or get married. What do you do when you want your relationship to be at that next level, so to speak, but don't have those societal trappings? It's interesting examining our attachment to these social constructs; is "just" a boyfriend meaning something less in terms of commitment? What is it that makes us feel more or less connected and secure in a relationship? I know this is getting into philosophy, but I find it very interesting and have been thinking about it quite a bit.

In the meantime, Charles and I have spent more time talking about how we're feeling about our relationship, our wants and needs, and learning each other at a more intimate level. We've been doing the dating thing all along, so it's not like this is a change, but the passage of time is allowing up to open up to each other further just like it would in a mono relationship. And sometimes that's going to mean that you butt heads a little. Charles and I definitely have different ways of processing emotional issues, and learning the best way to relate to each other is going to be a bit of a curve. But, we're both working at it and invested in making this work, so I am optimistic that we will continue to build our relationship while we navigate those speedbumps.

I also know he's been very badly used in the past by people who have claimed to be poly, or even people who swing and look for casual partners, unicorn hunters. I didn't realize the damage was quite as profound as it was. This is likely why I find myself reacting more intensely to comments that don't match with my personal ethics- because I see the carnage it can cause. Some of the stories he's told me? He's always had to be the one looking out for himself because no one else has put his wellbeing in a primary role- they've only taken care of themselves. He's always felt like he can't ask for what he needs, out of fear of upsetting the applecart with his partner and metamour. He's always had to worry about how his metamour (partner's partner) feels because they could pull the plug at any time.

Just THINK of how hard it would be to live like that. If what you really wanted was a romantic relationship and you said that, but you never had an equal say in how your relationship was run. That someone else could pull the rug out from under you at any time. That's what I think is so cruel in general about people who think spousal veto is a good idea. It forgets the humanity of the other person involved and literally treats them as disposable (let alone the damage that you do to your own relationship). So In a lot of ways, Charles tells me he hasn't had a relationship where he could feel comfortable just being himself and not feeling like he has to be on guard to protect himself, and he hasn't really been able to let that guard down because it's so firmly hardwired at this point. But he's been very clear that Henry and I have never treated him in this way, and he doesn't feel like he is treated as a secondary, or that he is disposable in any way. It takes a while to undo that programming, don't we all know. I'm sure all of us have some automatic responses that aren't the healthiest.

I remember when I was going through that heartbreak that I didn't write much about, when Patrick and I split up, how horrible it felt to feel disposable. I didn't share all the details because I was hurting, and because my ex-husband Mark was saying things that were what he felt was helpful but instead was the opposite. Mark told me that I didn't have any right to express wants and needs, because I was just the side piece. I should take what I got, enjoy the sex, and be happy with it. I shouldn't have any expectations of Patrick beyond what he wanted to give. You know what that made me feel like? Used kleenex. It's okay for people to have incompatible wants and needs- there's nothing wrong with that. But no one should ever feel like they have zero agency in their relationship. I knew that wasn't healthy for me, and although it took me a long time to process it, I eventually ended that relationship because I knew that it wasn't going to work for me. And I now had an appreciation for ways NOT to treat people.

I don't believe there is or should be universality in how relationships are run. I've said that many, many times. But I do think there are always some core things that need to be in place for a relationship to be healthy, and they include informed consent and individual agency. No one should feel like they have no option to ask for what they want in a relationship.

So getting back to the here and now... Charles and I have some growing pains to do, where I've been expecting clear communication from him, and he's been having trouble giving that because of his baggage. It's not going to be an easy solve for either of us- I'll have to be patient with him, and he's going to have to put in the work to deal with some of that baggage. But at the end of the day, he's worth it to me. Our relationship is worth it to me. And Henry is supporting me through the turbulence, because he loves me and wants me to be happy. I've been a little on the emotionally drained side lately but I've been making sure to pour some of my energy into my marriage with Henry because he needs and deserves that. Never neglect one partner because of issues with another, and don't drop all the processing onto the other partner either. Henry has a reasonable idea of what's going on, but beyond the minimum, I'm not using him as my place to vent. I have friends for that. It's not fair to dump all the stress from one side of a V onto the other. I like letting the good parts spill over, but it's my job as the hinge to make sure that the more difficult parts don't spill over. It's not fair or reasonable to do. Henry has let me know if I need anything, to ask. He's a wonderful husband, and last night I rocked his world to show him how much I appreciate him :)

Tonight is date night with Charles, and hopefully we can spend some more time relaxing and focusing on each other and less of the processing. Working on things is good, but if you spend too much time working on things, you lose sight of why you're together and why you enjoy each other. And I do love and enjoy him very much.

Fisting video

Henry and I have been having some awesome times lately! One of the many, many, many things I enjoy about our marriage is the total comfort and openness we have with each other sexually. I never have to worry about asking him about an interest of mine, because even if he's not into it, it will always be safe to bring it up.

And of course, he does the same, and I appreciate that he's willing to share his adventurous side with me as well! The other day, he sent me this Anal Fisting Video  and asked me if we could try it sometime. Henry, if you haven't been following me for too long, loves anal play. It's his favourite way to have an orgasm, by far. I love making him happy and feeling good, so as long as I'm not too tired, I'm generally up for trying something new that interests him.

If it's not your cup of tea, that video is a demonstration of a two-handed nonsimultaneous anal stretching technique. Normally I like having one hand free when I play with his ass, so I can stroke his cock or whatever else needs done with a clean hand, but we can try new things! 

So, we set him up on our massage table on a wedge pillow with his ass in the air, and some good porn on the TV for him to enjoy while I slowly started working gloved fingers into him, alternating hands, and twisting and sliding inside him to open him up.

If you enjoy anal play, the techniques in this video really do work! Henry opened up relatively quickly, and we made it almost to a full hand before it started to get uncomfortable. I think it took about an hour of play before he was feeling all stretched out and needing to cum badly!

Experimentation is a lot of fun, especially with someone you love and trust. I will never understand the people who feel they can't express themselves sexually with their long time partners but instead can do it casually. The people that I want to truly see me and know me, are the ones that I love. The ones I trust to experiment with are the people I know have my back, and who also have my pleasure and happiness in mind. Sure, one night stands are fun, but they'll never be as exciting and sexually charged as fucking someone I can be totally free with.

Memories

I've been reading back over my blog and my personal journals, and it's been interesting watching my journey over the past decade. I'm glad that I do keep writing, because sometimes I read a note I've written and I don't remember that specific event occurring. My long term memory isn't great in general, and when things in the past become painful I think it's often even more difficult to remember all the details.

But there are so many little moments that I don't want to forget. The first time I met Henry, after us spending weeks chatting and Skyping online, where our first kiss threw sparks- literally! The amazing rush of endorphins I felt after the first play party we attended, where I was so drunk on our scene that I couldn't think of anyone else but him. The mix of love and anxiety and pride and desire when I offered him his collar for the first time, and we buckled it on. Henry loves me so much, and shows me that every single day. I try so hard to give him the same in return. The last thing I want is for our marriage to develop complacency. We have our scheduled date nights, and we still just enjoy hanging out together at other times anyway. I not only love him, but I genuinely like him- most of the time ;)  We joke that that's as good as it gets, right? You can't like anyone all of the time!

And I remember the look on his face as I walked down the aisle and said my vows to him. I remember him alternating between joking and serious. And I remember laughing as he slipped me some tongue in front of all our family and friends!

Sometimes he drives me nuts, but I look at the people around me and how things could be, and I am so grateful to have Henry in my life. He is an amazing person in general, husband, and parent, and I feel lucky every single day. I know that the one constant in life is that everything changes, but no matter what happens in the future, I never want to forget the love and intimacy and connection that I have with Henry.

And Charles... it's been nearly 16 months now, and I still get wet when we kiss. He loves being oral just as much as I do, and our kisses are amazing together. I can feel how he feels at the moment, just like that song by Cher. I love how the passion or intensity or love or just raw burning need can come through as clearly as if he was naming it to me.

I still get those heady kicks of NRE at times when we're lying in each others' arms at night. I saw one of my Facebook statuses from over a year ago when I wrote "Golden days and silver nights," and remember that I was writing about Charles but didn't want to say publicly what I was so happy about, but that I wanted to remember it.

No matter what happens in my life... I've had love. Not all of it has lasted, and I guess that's pretty par for the course. But I'm the kind of woman who feels things just a little bigger than other people; higher highs and lower lows. And even the loves which ended have taught me something. And they have given me those wonderful moments I never want to forget.

Hmm. Reading this over sounds almost melancholy, like I think something is wrong or a bad thing is going to happen. I hope not. I'm happier now than I've ever been in my life- my love is magnified. And I've never had a second relationship quite like the one I'm having now with Charles. I've never had quite this much love, ever, and sometimes it gets overwhelming in a good way!

Here's to many more years of golden days and silver nights with my two wonderful men. Hope you'll raise a glass with me!

My Naughty Masseur

Well, that was one for the highlight reel. OMG.

I've noticed lately that my sex drive is back in a big way. I don't know if the Addyi is kicking in harder, I don't know if it's ovulation (which usually makes me crazy but not for this long), or if it's just a hormonal fluctuation, but I've been experiencing desire on the level of teenage boy. It's been a lot of fun. I'm not normally much of a masturbator since I prefer having a partner, but I've found myself getting out of bed at night to get off the past few days- it's been that intense. Once again, I'm sure it won't last too long... but I am going to enjoy every single moment of it!

Last night Charles came over, and me being me- the first thing I asked him was how tired he was, because I had needs :)  Fortunately, he said he thought that he would be up to the task!

I had a specific fantasy in mind that I wanted to enjoy, and Charles was happy to provide service. I do so love men who are eager to please! I told him that I wanted to enjoy a version on "naughty masseur". I wanted him to make me feel all relaxed and then start to get me all hot and bothered, excruciatingly slowly. And oh was he ever up to the task- for the next three hours!

He gave me a wonderful massage and I was feeling so relaxed... and then as things progressed, a little less relaxed. His fingers started to slip a little bit but never quite too far- just enough to make me want more. My pussy was leaking down my legs and the slightest brush against my labia made me moan. I don't know quite how long he spent getting me all worked up but it was that perfect blend of pleasure and frustration. When he started to rub his cock against my dripping cunt through his pretty pink panties, I couldn't believe how intense that felt just for outercourse! He still hadn't licked or touched inside my pussy yet and I was going crazy, I was so hot and wet and open. He told me I could have his cock when I asked for it and I told him NOW and I think I came the first time as soon as his cock eased all the way inside me. I don't think I've ever experienced that much pleasure just from having a cock inside me. It was so intense and amazing and intimate and out of this world. I could see he was trying to hold back his orgasm to give me the most pleasure, but then he told me that he was planning to clean up his mess afterwards and that set off another orgasm for me and I pulled him over the edge too.

And such a good boy... he did lick up every drop. My pussy was still so sensitive and when he slid fingers inside me I actually became nonverbal it was so intense. I was making lots of sounds but speaking and thinking just weren't possible- I was so in the moment. And I came and came and came and made a lovely big mess everywhere- thank goodness we'd planned ahead and put down a towel and a waterproof sheet. We were both so sweaty and exhausted that it was a while before we could get up and have a shower. My legs were total jello.

I didn't want to let go of him last night when we were cuddling. He gave me exactly what I wanted and I know how hard that is on your hands, to give me a massage and then all that buildup. And he (sadly) doesn't have a foot fetish but he knows that I do, so he made a point of spending lots of time massaging my feet, and kissing them and sucking my toes because he knew how much I'd enjoy it. So yeah... that was one hell of a night.

Remember what I was saying about my sex drive coming back? I woke up at 6am, horny as hell. So much for being sated lol... I just wanted him more. But poor guy had a busy day at work so I didn't wake him up. I told Henry that he's getting tapped in tonight, though. I need more...

Thoughts on NRE

It's interesting that there has been a lot of discussion about NRE (new relationship energy) on some of my message boards, and somewhat coincidentally, I'm getting hit with a second wave of it now. And this really is breaking new ground for me- while I've experienced spillover NRE many times in the past, where my crazy happy loving feelings for a new partner spill back into my marriage, this is the first time that I've felt solidly NRE feelings for both my husband and another partner at the same time.

It's not really NRE anymore. I've been with Henry for more than 5 years now, and Charles for over a year. Technically it still could be plain old NRE with Charles, but it's a little different this time. I suspect this wave was triggered by the relationship issues we experienced, and how both my loves supported me through it.

Henry helped me when I was upset and emotional about having trouble communicating with Charles, and he made sure to step up the love and cuddles and care. It's things like this that show me that Henry is someone I will want in my life forever. He had so many ways he could have handled that. He could have been upset that my feelings in a different relationship were affecting ours; I was unhappy and I tend to withdraw both physically and emotionally when I'm upset. He could have told me that he didn't want to be my sounding board for my other relationship. He could have tried to encourage me to break up with Charles because he hates seeing me upset. He could have attempted to compare himself favorably to Charles, or pointed out that secondary relationships don't last, etc. Instead? He held me and told me how much he loves me, and just listened to me. He didn't try to fix anything unless I specifically asked for his opinion. And he gave me a massage and helped me relax and calm down. That truly is love.

And I think things kicked back up with Charles because of how our discussion shook out. It wasn't easy for either of us, and it would have been easy to get overwrought and not actually communicate what we needed to say. But we took steps to work on our communication, and we reconfirmed how much we mean to each other. I know he loves me, and I know this is real. The other night when he slept over, I was overwhelmed with the intensity of my feelings for him while we were holding each other.

Adjectives fail to describe how intense and incredible it is to experience that high of the brain chemicals that occur in NRE, but with the trust and security and experience that I've gotten in my relationships with these two men. I've had ERI (established relationship intimacy) before, but it's normally in conjunction with a pure NRE experience. This time... to have the ERI with both of them... to know that I am truly in love with both Henry and Charles and they are both in love with me... it's a height I've never explored before. I know that the intensity of the high isn't going to last very long, but I want to squeeze every drop of pleasure out of this because it's one of the most wonderful experiences I've ever had in my life.

And since I've been posting before about NRE management, I figure I'll say a few words about that here even though right now I want to keep the starry eyes and sunshine and rainbows. I made a point of it to let both of them know how I'm feeling right now, because I'm very likely going to be a bit out of character for a while. As an example, I literally called Henry out of his workshop to come back in the house because I wanted to play with his hair and smell him and tell him how much I love him. NRE lights up the human brain in the same centres as cocaine- it's literally like being on drugs. I've been sending Henry romantic texts and loving emails and telling him that I want to love him and fuck him and cuddle him and beat him and bite him and all those lovely things, all at the same time. He just laughs and tells me to go ahead any time I like. I know that I can let all my crazy out with Henry.

I told Charles what was happening because I know what I'm like during NRE. Too much is never enough. When he was here, I held him against me and left bite marks on his neck and growled in his ear that he was all mine, and all the things that I want to do to him. And he's been getting some of those kinds of texts from me, too. I got all giggly when he told me that he was going to be thinking about me all shift and that I had better be careful since he has a reputation at work to uphold!

But the best part of all this? Think of how you'd feel if your partner was like this with you. If you were getting lots of little reminders of how much they love you and how into you they are. Charles told me that he doesn't normally get giddy... but he's feeding off my NRE energy and that's kicking his back up again- and that's going to feed mine :) Sounds like a wonderful circle of happy, doesn't it? And Henry is getting all the love and cuddles and sex and connection that he wants, and I am seeing that sparkle in his eyes too. Everything goes in cycles, but I am going to enjoy every moment of this. I am so happy and in love that I can literally barely think of anything else.

Purrrr...

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Connection & Communication

Over the past month or so, things had gotten a little complicated with Charles. He'd had some chronic health stuff flare up, and so we hadn't gotten to see each other much over the last month or so. He still stopped by on date night but didn't stay long and I could see he was the worse for wear.

Simultaneously things picked up at work for him, and our communication slowed as well. I wasn't too happy about that, and the next time I saw him, we had a conversation about it. Certainly, of all people, I get chronic health issues flaring, but I don't find that it makes me want to stop talking to people where apparently he tends to withdraw when he isn't feeling well. But it wasn't something we had discussed so I only saw the outcome, right?

So basically we had to sit down and just do a temperature check on our relationship. I told him that if he was happier without all the messy stuff/emotional investment, that I'd be okay with that, but he just needed to clarify for me. I said I'd be OK being FWB if he just wanted to hang out once a week and hang out a little and fuck, but I would need to adjust my expectations. I didn't mean to hurt him by that- I was just trying to make it easy for him if I'm too high maintenance for him. I know that I'm never going to be the "cool girlfriend" lol; that's not who I am. But he got pretty upset because he said that felt like I could just blow off my feelings like it was nothing. I told him that's not what I meant at all. Just that I couldn't keep my heart out if that wasn't what this is. He and I have different communication styles so we definitely have to work at this harder to make sure we understand each other!

He told me that when we started dating, he hadn't been looking for anything serious. He had been single for a while and just wanted to have some fun times together. That doesn't mean NSA for him but more of a casual type relationship. But he told me that I wound up being a much more potent cocktail than he expected and that he fell in love with me and he doesn't want to lose that. It was a tough night together, but I think it was a positive thing that we were able to have a good conversation without histrionics on either side, and talk about our wants, needs, and expectations. That night after we talked, we went to bed and just cuddled together and didn't want to let go.

Since then, he's made a real point of being more intentional and prioritizing our connection, too- not just when we're together. He's called me just to chat, and at least checked in by text daily. Plus he shifted things around so we could have our second date night on the weekend which we hadn't had in weeks. And then he went out of his way to make sure we had a wonderful night then. He came over and we made dinner together, and ate with Henry and Kiddo and played board games as a group before Henry went out with friends. Then we went upstairs and he gave me a wonderful massage (yup, both my boys cook AND have at least a little massage training!), and I was just melting. We went to bed and he pulled out all the stops to give me as much pleasure as possible. He buried his face in my cunt until I thought he must have needed a snorkel to breathe! I was riding so high on endorphins that I told him he'd have to scrape me off the ceiling. And when he finally slipped his hard cock inside me, I just got overwhelmed with all the feelings. He told me how much he loves me while he fucked me slowly and it was beyond incredible. Afterwards, we just snuggled and talked until we fell asleep.

I might not know where this relationship is going, and that's ok because I don't have to. But at least I know that wherever it is, we're going together :)

Time Flies!

Life has just been crazy lately, and I didn't realize it had been so long since I made a post here! I meant to update after my fabulous date night with Henry but didn't get around to it.

Like I said before, I love doing the big, movie style gestures that go way over the top. I teased Henry all week, since this was our first official weekly date night and I told him I was doing something big. I love creating that excitement and tension!

In the early evening, I sent him out and told him not to come home for an hour while I got the house ready. And then I set up a romantic scavenger hunt for him. I stuck the first card on our front door, so he'd see it when he came home. Then every single clue had a little present attached (a craft beer, a gift card, a lottery ticket, or some candy) and a limerick that led to the next clue. I also wrote out a love note about one of our memories and left it with each clue. When he got to the end, I was waiting in bed in lingerie with a bottle of champagne and some appetizers, and a romantic movie ready to go.

We had a wonderful evening together! I really wanted to make Henry feel so loved and appreciated, and I think I succeeded at that. It's so easy to fall into taking your partner for granted, and neither of us wants to do that. We want to keep the romance and emotional intimacy flourishing.

There have been a couple of date nights since then- Henry lit candles, baked me treats, and gave me a full body massage last week, and this past week, we made an at-home version of one of our favorite restaurant meals together and cuddled up to watch a movie. We're not always going to do something big and exciting, but the point is that we want that little bit of time carved out to spend quality time together. I can see how it's helping keep our connection strong.

Tonight, Henry and I are going to a BDSM party. It's been a while, and I'm really looking forward to it. Chris is supposed to be there too, so I think it's going to be a great night- I haven't seen him in ages!

I haven't seen as much of Charles lately because he's been sick and then got slammed at work, but he's been making a real effort to show me that I am important to him even if he hasn't been able to give me the time we both want. We did get our usual date night this week and he stayed over, and he arranged to take Sunday off so that we can have some more time together. Words matter... but actions are how you find out what you mean to someone.

Date Night

Since we've been talking about quality time and connection, I thought I'd continue on with that in this post.

We will all have times in our relationships where we're feeling run down, or when we take our partner for granted, or when it just feels like we don't have enough romance in our lives. At that point, you have two choices. You can go with "I'm feeling disconnected so I'm not really feeling like making an effort," and continue the way you're going and drift further apart. Or, you can acknowledge there's been some drift already, and work to close the gap.

It's not always fun to pour effort into a relationship, especially when you might not be feeling especially loving towards your partner, for whatever reason. But ultimately, you can choose to take actions that will bring you closer together, or that will bring you further apart. If there's a real issue to discuss, definitely do that! I don't mean to gloss over relationship problems with romance. But if it's just the day to day grind wearing you down- think about what you can do to bring the focus back on you and your partner.

I've always been a hopeless romantic- the kind of woman who dreamt of the big, showy gestures. But realistically, the partners I've dated aren't the kind of people who went for that sort of thing, and that's okay. Henry, for example, consistently goes for the little things and those are pretty awesome. I've read that little gestures more frequently can boost relationship satisfaction higher than the big gestures, and I'm sure that's right. It only makes sense that the more frequently you put energy into your relationship, the happier it will be.

But... I happen to like the big, showy, romantic gestures sometimes. And I've learned that it's almost as much fun being the person who plans them, as it is the person who receives them. I can't remember how much I shared here, but my proposal to Henry was a big, showy, romantic gesture, and he loved it so much that it brought tears to his eyes. Fortunately, I had a photographer standing by to capture it!

And so I have another special plan for Henry. I am not going to write about it yet, in case he happens to choose this time to randomly read my blog (Hi, sweetie!). But we have decided that we want a dedicated date night for our marriage, and the first night is my turn, and I want it to be something really over the top.

What do you do to keep the romance going in your relationship(s)?

Quality Time

Well, my little summer "vacation" is coming to an end- Kiddo comes home tomorrow from visitation with my ex husband. While I miss him and can't wait to see him again, it was really nice getting some adult time in with my favourite men! The past week with Henry has been pretty fantastic. We've both been tired so we haven't gotten into any really long days of kink and we skipped a play party on the weekend, but we've been making sure to have some good, quality time and lots of connected physical intimacy.

Sex doesn't make the relationship, but I think that for allosexual people (anyone who doesn't identify as asexual), having a sexual connection really is so important for feeding a relationship. While I do believe the whole concept of men have sex to feel loved and women have sex when they feel loved, is a crock of crap (Henry and I are reversed, and I know lots of people who don't fit neatly along the gender binary as well), there's still a very valid issue that sex enhances connection and intimacy in a relationship as long as both partners are using it in that manner and not just looking to get their own rocks off. Although there's a time and a place for that, too!

I know that life gets in the way, and sometimes sex feels like a chore. I've found though, that making time for sex pays you back in so many ways. Sometimes it gives you more energy to get all the stuff you have to do, done. It definitely will give your mood a bit of a boost. It will make you feel closer to your partner. And touch and cuddles in general are so important to good physical and mental health.

Orgasm releases all those feel-good chemicals like oxytocin, and in my case, also releases the giggles. I know that both Henry and Charles loves to see me all giggly during and after sex because then they definitely know they've given me what I need.

Henry's health hasn't been great lately, and it's been wearing at our sex life a bit. Despite seeing Charles much less often, I have been finding that I'm having sex with him at about a 2:1 rate than I was with Henry. Some of that makes sense in the context of NRE, though. When Henry heard that Charles and I had sex 5 times in 3 days, he laughed and said he didn't think he'd be up for that anymore! I suspect if Charles is still around in a few years, he might not be up for that either! Then who will keep up with my raging libido? ;)

But the past week or so has started to pick up for Henry, and we've made a determined effort to make up for lost time. It was so sexy this afternoon to strap on my harness and bend him over the back of the bed and fuck him until he came all over himself in a hot, wet rush. Sometimes I wish I could know what it really feels like to fuck someone with a cock that isn't made of silicone- one where I could feel his muscles grab my cock tightly, every shiver of his body echoing along mine. I know what I'd be doing if we switched places during a Freaky Friday and it wouldn't involve leaving the house.

Either way, the past few days have left us delightfully achy, leaking various body fluids, and being sickeningly cuddly and kissy together. It's been absolutely wonderful.

So, go give your partner some sexing... doctors' orders!

Happy Sighs, Redux

So I got to have a wonderful and low key long weekend with Charles, just like I did with Henry last weekend. It was pretty lovely. He took off work (again) so that we could have this big block of uninterrupted time. Between this and our anniversary trip in June though, I think he's going to be running out of vacation days this year. It makes me so happy that he wants to spend them on us, though.

We didn't get dressed the entire four days. It was a pretty amazing weekend. Lots of sexy times, and then lots of just hanging out and chatting and having fun together. One day, we hot tubbed in the pouring rain. That was pretty fun and awesome!

While we didn't get around to everything we wanted to do, life seems to work that way. I'm okay with being somewhat patient, although everyone who knows me well knows how greedy I can be ;) 

We had lots of amazing sex. One of the lovely things I'll say about having a boyfriend who is ten years younger than I am is that his rebound time is amazing! We had sex three times on Saturday, and I'm not exactly a quickie sort of woman. According to my stats tracker, we spent over 4 hours having sex that day. That was pretty fantastic!

Mmm... I had really missed having my ass licked. There are so many nerve endings there... the feeling of having a tongue work across my tight little rosebud is just pure electricity. I don't like to be fucked in the ass, but a tongue can always work its magic and it wasn't long before I was squirting all over the bed. It's definitely worth the prep to have fun like that!

And tonight is date night again. I know it hasn't been long, but I'm still looking forward to seeing Charles again :)  I'm still in that phase where I feel like I can't get enough of him, and it's been more than a year.

Happy Sighs

So this past weekend with Henry was lovely. It wasn't what I expected it to be, but sometimes that makes it even lovelier. After all, if you envision something in too much detail, reality will never live up to the hype.

Note to all men reading this post who go to swingers' clubs; don't be the creepy single guy. Seriously. I can't believe how disgusting some of the men at the club were. There were a few women there who were looking for gangbangs, and the swarms of single men around them just looked like locusts. Yes, that is an incredibly unsexy image! I was beyond appalled. There seemed to be no concept of respectful personal space or even just plain respect. Men were walking around in towels masturbating while they watched people fuck. It was a massive turnoff and I can't believe it was allowed, to be honest.

We had gone there with the intention of having a threesome, preferably with another man since usually, I wind up more interested in other women when we are doing casual pickups. But Henry was equally disgusted with the behaviour that we saw, so we decided we'd just have sex with each other. We even specifically went to the couples' area so that we wouldn't have to worry about the Creepy Single Guys (TM) getting into our personal space. Well, until I used the railing to ride his cock; then one of them was literally six inches from my face while I was trying to fuck my husband. It was just gross and unattractive and a massive turnoff.

The bartender told us that it would be better in the evening when it was couples only, so we decided to come back. I don't think I'd ever go back there on days single men are allowed, and I say that as a hotwife with a pansexual husband who would most certainly enjoy a threesome with a man. But what she didn't tell us was that the first several hours were mostly for drinking and dancing and that people don't start fucking until well after midnight. We were just tired by that point and decided to head out.

While we did enjoy a day out together, it really wasn't what we had in mind and I'm not sure I'd bother going back to that particular club again. The best part of the day was when we came home and made up a nice cheese and charcuterie platter and had a bottle of champagne while we cuddled up together. It was just good to have some low key time for us to connect and focus on our relationship- the sexy bits were the icing on the cake.

The rest of the weekend was pretty great, though. We enjoyed the dungeon at our friends' house and got in a little BDSM play together. Henry wanted to do some anal stretching and we had a lot of fun with one of our big Bad Dragon toys. He also nearly took my entire hand again, which is really sexy. I love fisting him :)

I also got in a little dungeon play with a friend in Toronto, and we had a blast. I got to introduce him to urethral sounds, which he loved. Stuff like that is always fun.

All in all, it was a lovely mini-vacation with Henry. But I definitely was missing Charles when I came home! But there is some symmetry, as Henry decided to go visit some friends out of town for the weekend, so now Charles is coming to stay here for our own little staycation. I am a lucky, lucky woman.

Fun Times Ahead!

So it's been great lately; Henry has been feeling better and we've been having lots of great sex. I'm so glad we've been getting to focus on that part of our connection because I've missed him :)

This weekend we have what is almost a mini-vacation coming up. Some kinky friends of ours are going out of town and asked us to house-sit. Since that house sitting also includes their massive basement dungeon, it was an easy decision to say yes! While we have lots of toys, we don't really have much in the way of dungeon furniture because it's a little too hard to hide from the kiddo. It's really going to be nice to have the proper equipment available for what we want to do! Beds are awesome, but frequently at the wrong height or you can't get to both sides comfortably, etc.

So, today I've been picking out what I want to take! Probably my violet wand kit, my urethral sounds, maybe my sensory play kit. And of course, lots of sex toys too :)

Henry and I are also planning to go to the local swingers' club. While we're there, they are having a bisexual play party which sounds awesome. One of the (many) things I don't like about swingers' clubs is the prevalence of heteronormativity. Bisexuality only seems to be okay if it's female bisexuality. And while I enjoy the company of an interesting woman as much as the next person, I don't think that it's fair that Henry doesn't have the same opportunity to express his sexuality fully. We both identify as pansexual, and he hasn't been fucked by a man in a while and I know he would enjoy that. And I would very much enjoy watching it, especially if I had someone's face in my cunt while I was doing so ;)  I've already told Charles that is a fantasy of mine... but I'll save the details for another time.

We've never been to this particular club, but no matter what the outcome is, I think it will be great. Either we'll find some new people to play with and have fun, or else we'll just wind up having sex ourselves with an audience. When the worst-case scenario is having sex with your partner, it's going to be a great time!

The Cornerstones of a Relationship

Those of you who have been reading my posts for a while probably know by now that I don't believe in any "one twue wayisms". I don't really believe there is ever one way to structure your relationship(s) that is right, or the best way. We all come from different places and have different wants and needs. And one of the best parts about wanting to live an alternative lifestyle is that there is no universality; you can craft a relationship to suit yourselves.

Now, that doesn't mean that I don't think that healthy relationships have nothing in common. It seems to be somewhat of a truism that dysfunctional relationships are all unique, while happy relationships have many commonalities. Why is that?

Because whether you're an uber religious household that prays together daily or a 24/7 Dominant/submissive household with high protocol or anything in between, if you're in a happy and healthy functioning relationship, there are some key ingredients that are going to be there.

Communication:

Members in a healthy relationship don't expect their partner(s) to read their minds. They talk about their wants and needs, and negotiate a balance so that everyone is getting treated fairly. Fair and equal are two separate concepts.

Not that I believe there should be default assumptions in a relationship anyway, but especially in an alternative lifestyle it's very important to have open and honest communication and to be forthright with your partner. There ARE no defaults because there is no universality.

Whole books have been written about good communication, so I won't try to summarize it into a few paragraphs of a blog post. But if you come here wondering, how do I get my partner to do X? Your first instinct should be to talk to them about what you are thinking and feeling in an open way where you aren't trying to manipulate them into doing it. If it's not, then you really should think about your communication skills and how they're affecting your intimacy and connection.

Respect:

This one ties back into communication. Respect that your partner is an autonomous human being with their own wants and needs. They aren't necessarily going to want the same things as you. Don't infantilize your partner; if you wouldn't want your partner to try and manipulate you into something, or say they're doing it for your own good, don't do it to them. And if you DO want your partner to do those things, you should probably spend some time thinking about personal responsibility.

Informed Consent:

This is the big one. You can live your lives in any way that suits everyone involved, as long as everyone gives informed consent. What does that mean? Tell me if you can see the difference between these two situations:

A girl is raised in a polygamous household and is taught that plural marriage is from God and that it is her biological destiny to raise children in this lifestyle.

A woman is exposed to all different types of relationships and marriages, and chooses to participate in a plural marriage as a secondary wife to raise children.

In both cases, you have effectively the same actions taking place, but one is clearly grooming and manipulation; the girl in the former case has no ability to give informed consent. She might say yes, but she doesn't know or believe that she has any other options.

The woman in the second case is over the age of 18, and has seen that there are many ways to practice relationships and marriages. She knows that she has different choices, and has chosen the one that best suits what she and her partner(s) want.

While that certainly wouldn't be the path I choose, variety is the spice of life and it's great that people have the option to live their lives however they want to. I strongly support that everyone be able to choose the path they want, regardless of whether it's palatable for me. And that's where informed consent comes in. As long as people know what they're getting into and make that choice knowing they have other options and aren't being manipulated into it, it's 100% okay.

So to bring this post back to hotwifing... I see so many men online who are not treating their wives with respect, communicating their desires, or giving informed consent.

For all of the talk that this is a woman centered kink, I only see that in a minority of relationships. It's why it's nearly always the man coming online asking how he can convince his wife to become a hotwife. It's about his fantasies, not about hers. The people involved are just porn stars in his fantasies rather than human beings with wants and needs and desires. And so much of the behaviour that destroys relationships comes from that; the fear, the control, the acceptance of deception or manipulation to get a wife into the lifestyle. And it's why when things don't go the way he's been fantasizing about, that suddenly he wants to pull the rip cord.

That's not how you do this lifestyle in a healthy way, and I am comfortable saying that absolutely without equivocation. If you have to ask strangers on the internet how to get your spouse into a sexual kink, you need to think about why your first thought isn't to just talk to your spouse about what you want. If you have to present it a certain way or try and highlight things to manipulate them into it, that's a problem. It's not clear and open communication. If you want to set your partner up with someone trying to seduce her, or get her drunk so her inhibitions will be down, you're not allowing her the right to informed consent about her actions. And if you don't recognize that even if she says yes, that she will have her own wants, needs, and desires in this lifestyle that will not always coincide with yours, and you don't acknowledge that hers are equally as valid as yours, you should reconsider whether this lifestyle is really for you.

Sewing Bondage Straps

It's really amazing sometimes how a little bit of a perspective change can make so much of a difference in things.

Henry knows me so well. Sometimes I still think I must have been born under a lucky star to have him in my life. So many things had to work out this specific way for us to find one another. And I nearly didn't date him because he wasn't what I was looking for on paper! And he nearly didn't date me since he'd had a bad experience with a married woman before!

Well, the stars aligned and I got to marry this wonderful man. So what do I love about him? Well, I've written a lot about him before, and I don't want to repeat myself, so I'll focus on this one particular thing he does.

What do you do, when you want your partner to do something they aren't particularly interested in, or if there is a behaviour you want them to change? Twenty years ago, I would have said something that would have boiled down to, hope they notice that it matters to you, because if you have to ask them to do it then it doesn't mean anything. Ten years ago I would have said, let them know how much it matters to you because you can't expect them to read your mind and then remind them repeatedly if they don't comply. Five years ago, I would have said to tell them once or twice how much it matters to you, and then do it yourself if need be since it's obviously not a priority to them. Now? I'd probably put more effort into trying to understand why my request is such a problem that they don't want to do it, and evaluating from there but trying to understand their position.

But my sweet husband is already playing this on expert mode.

He loves bondage- the more restrictive, the better. Ideally, he'd love it if I was into the pretty artistic rope bondage as well as just for restraint purposes. He struck out here because while I occasionally enjoy restraints, I not only don't find them intrinsically arousing but I'm not interested in putting in the learning curve to do the intricate ropework.

So, what is he to do? Well, he could just give up on doing that with me. We're both poly and open, so nothing would stop him from seeking out another partner to bottom for rope/restraint with, except for the fact that he's not feeling like putting the energy into a new partner right now and it's much more difficult for a male rope bottom than for a female rope bottom anyway.

He could badger me about fulfilling his kink, and point out that he goes out of his way to say yes to me, and otherwise use scorekeeping and manipulation to try and get me to do it. This would not have a positive outcome for him. Scorekeeping in a relationship is a terrible thing to do and it destroys intimacy. We should do things for our partner that we want to do, not that we feel we have to do; that sucks all the joy out of it.

He could try to negotiate the occasional rope play with me. While he would likely get his desired result occasionally, he knows that it would be a thing I dread and would be doing solely for his benefit. In addition, if I don't put the effort into learning the ropes, so to speak, I wouldn't be at a skill level to do what he wants if it was only occasional.

None of those options really result in him getting what he wants. So what does my wonderful husband do? He goes out and buys all the materials and makes idiot-proof homemade bondage straps that will give him that restricted feel he wants but be easy for me to operate and can be put on in five minutes flat. Suddenly, it's not a bunch of time and effort into a thing that I don't want to learn or care about- it's only a couple of minutes and I can give my sweetie what he wants. Because I do love him and want him to be happy, of course.

Trying to change your partner tends not to work very well. Giving up on your desires also tends not to work very well. But if you can actually come at the problem in such a way as to deal with the reason your partner doesn't want to do the thing and then solve that? Everyone is going to be happy :)  I feel loved because he recognized and solved my issue, and proud of his creativity. He gets what he wants. It's a win-win.

So next time your partner doesn't want to do something that bothers you (not necessarily a sex thing- it could be anything), see if you can solve the actual problem rather than trying to change them. I guarantee you'll both be much happier with the outcome.

Birth Control

Sometimes life just plain isn't sexy. But this is part of my life, so I'm going to talk about it here. You can skip this post and imagine me riding my Motorbunny instead, if you prefer. I'll wait ;)

Despite me generally being rather happy with who I am, some little issues have started to creep in. I don't know if it's me getting older (I'm only 37, after all!) or hormones shifting, or issues with my birth control, or something else altogether. I've noticed that I have started having more difficulty achieving orgasm compared to my adult baseline.

I used to be able to cum from just about anything, quickly. There were always various intensities of orgasm, but it didn't take much to get me off and I loved it. It has been a downward trend over the past 18 months, and it started to get steeper the last six months or so until it became very difficult even for me to get myself off, and I know exactly what I like! I went to see my family doctor, who told me that the amount of time and number of orgasms I was experiencing now was normal. I told her that I'm aware that it's within current range for most women but it definitely was NOT normal for me. So she agreed to send me to a specialist.

When I walked in and saw it was an older male doctor, I was pretty sure he was just going to write me off. But much to my surprise, he actually listened to me. I was a little surprised by the questions he asked me, like did my partner think it was a problem? I told him that they only thought of it as a problem because it is for me. He didn't even bat an eye when I told him I was polyamorous, although he did kind of clarify, did that mean I was only in casual relationships and I told him no- that I'm in two serious relationships.

He ran some tests on me, and we learned that it was not a testosterone issue. Mine is actually still just a little bit elevated (cue the surprise from the peanut gallery). But I don't have any symptoms of conditions that would reflect it, so apparently that's just my normal (again, shock, right?).

He asked me if I was still feeling desire, and I had to think about that. My first thought was, of course I am! I want to have sex all the time. And then I thought about it further. I had noticed that I've been less wet and need to use lube nearly every time unless I'm getting a very thorough pussy licking before PIV, but I figured that was normal over time. I find that I get wetter with Charles than I do with Henry, so I assumed it was just NRE levels. But when I really think about it, I realized that my libido has been mostly mental. When I've been getting aroused, it's by an idea or mental picture, and my body isn't necessarily getting turned on. It's been a weird disconnect to feel that! So I guess he was right and my level of desire has gone down, too.

We tried a sensitivity cream on my clit, but that hasn't had much success. In addition, it's kind of a pain because I can't use it if my partner is licking pussy because ewww. I didn't notice any appreciable difference.

At this point, I wasn't really sure what else there was to do. I considered having my Mirena IUD removed and just getting a tubal ligation, since I'm not planning on any more children. The doctor suggested that my husband get a vasectomy, and I reminded him that unfortunately that would not solve my problem since I can't ask my much younger boyfriend to do that as well. But I do like not really getting periods so unless we were sure it was the Mirena, I didn't want to do that.

Fortunately, a new medication has become available that has been a miracle worker for women with issues similar to mine. My doctor told me to give it a try for two months and see if I was in the 50% who are helped by it.

Wow. I have really missed that feeling of being horny! It's much more intense than just enjoying a mental picture or idea. Now when I'm aroused, I get to feel those lovely tingles in my pussy and wetness soaks into my panties again. I'm still not back to my old level of orgasming- some days are better than others, and some days it's still a struggle to cum, but it's a vast improvement. Charles joked that I'm becoming insatiable, and I laughed and told him that he should have met me a few years ago. Henry loves to see me so high on endorphins that he has to scrape me off the ceiling.

So if any of the women reading this have been having issues with desire, consider asking your doctors for a trial of Addyi. It's definitely made a difference for me and now I find myself wanting to go back on the prowl!

Date Night

Another wonderful date night with Charles. I haven't been writing much about our regular dates because it's become the new normal. But I am just so blissfully happy with my relationships, with a few minor inconveniences. I don't sleep well at Charles' house for a number of reasons, so I hate having to go home when I am tired and cuddly after nice day with him. We tried me sleeping over again on Sunday night but it just didn't work. But I still had a lovely time with him, just badly needed a nap when I got home.

And yesterday was our normal standing date night. In a year, we have missed two; Christmas Day, and once when he was sick. He's gone out of his way to make sure he keeps our plans even when it's difficult because of work. It means a lot to me.

The sex has always been good, but it just keeps getting better. Sunday was nearly four hours of teasing and kink and hot, sweaty orgasms that drenched the bed. I was flying with all the endorphins. It was amazing. I get all giggly when I'm riding that post orgasm wave. Sex is so much more fun (and lasts much longer!) when it's not just about PIV!

Then last night, Charles was pretty exhausted from work so after we had dinner with Henry, we went upstairs and he had a nap while I just cuddled up with a book. I enjoy spooning, whether I'm the big or the little spoon, and this time I was holding him while he slept. When he started to stir, I nibbled his neck just the way he likes it- little nips working up into more intense bites. He was making such lovely sounds! Then he took my hand and slid it down to his rock hard cock and I knew I didn't want to wait too long to have him inside me! I teased him a little longer and stroked his cock until he was begging me to let him cum, but of course I had to taste him first. I love the feel of a hard cock in my mouth, and listening to his panting breath was such a turn on!

Normally I like to have a few orgasms myself before, but I wanted to fuck him while he was feeling that level of urgency so I told him that when he came, he was going to be cleaning up every drop. I love it that Charles shares my body fluids kink! He begged to be allowed to do it, and then started working his cock into my tight pussy. He's so thick and I love the way his cock feels inside me. He managed to hold it off for a while but I kept telling him all the dirty things I wanted to do and soon he filled me up with a groan. And such a good boy, he only took a moment to recover before he slid down my body and started to clean up the mess. I love being licked after I've had sex because I'm oh-so-sensitive and Charles knows what I like by now. He made me orgasm so hard that I had to wave him off after five or six because of the intensity. That always means it's been a good day ;)

I am a very lucky woman!

Vacation with Charles

It really was seven amazing days in paradise. I had such a wonderful time with Charles.

Henry drove us to the airport and picked us up, for all you hotwife husbands and cuckolds out there who would enjoy the image. For us, it wasn't anything more than him being helpful and wanting us to have the easiest start to our trip, but I know that a lot of you will enjoy the symbolism of my husband driving me and my boyfriend away for a 7 day romantic vacation.

The resort even decorated the room for our anniversary (and upgraded us to a suite!), which was pretty amazing. And there was a giant full length mirror at the foot of the bed, which was a LOT of fun when I had one hand in his hair pushing his face into my pussy ;) Even better was when he wore the little gift I brought him that I knew he would appreciate- a pair of pink lace panties. He enjoys crossdressing at times. I chose them specifically to be a style that would be comfortable for him but also give that extra sensory boost. And it was so sexy watching his ass in the air while he licked me to orgasm over and over and over.

Just a little note that it's easy to enjoy just a little public groping even in conservative areas, if you're putting sunscreen on your partner ;) I much prefer to have mine applied for me, you know! And of course I love to wear low cut bathing suits in places where it's not legal to be topless...

I remember Charles waking up so hungry for me that he could barely wait before begging to be inside me. It was really nice to feel like he needed me so much that he couldn’t wait and endure the teasing I usually dish out. He told me that he’d been awake for two hours waiting for me to wake up so that we could have sex! And we just had SO much sex, it was awesome. Drunk and sober and every combination in between- I'm sure you'll see how much my counter jumped this past week! It’s always so good to be with him.

We did some kink, too- a wax scene that was fun and an impact scene that went a little awry since the noise from the hall distracted him. It happens, but it was a little disappointing. We did manage to save the end when he brought out one of his favourite prostate toys and we went with that. I had hoped for a better energy but life isn’t perfect. Close enough! I am just so head over heels in love with both my men. Sometimes I really think I have to pinch myself because I am so lucky to have them in my life.

Why Be Married?

I've been thinking about this topic for a while, especially since a comment on a forum about nonmonogamy brought it to the forefront of my mind. And with my anniversary with Henry just past, it felt like a good time to talk about it.

Although before I get into that- our anniversary was wonderful. We spent three days focused primarily on each other, with lots of play and love and sharing our favourite treats. Despite all the bumps in the road, I'd do it all again if it meant being with Henry. He is a wonderful partner and I truly feel like he loves and accepts and appreciates me for who I am- not who he wants me to be. And I think he sees me pretty clearly, too. And, y'know, I do like him- most of the time! It's one of our running jokes that's the best you can get in a long term relationship. I'll take it :)

So, why even be married if you are going to have sex and relationships with other people? What's the point? I've heard this from monogamous people over and over again. Or for that matter, from swingers who understand the sexual variety but not the relationships.

What is a marriage? Is it only about sex? Is it only about love? I think this is a question that we all have to answer for ourselves. What does your marriage (or in general if you're not married) mean to you?

Sex with others, or love with others, doesn't cheapen my marriage in any way. I married Henry not only because I love him, not only because I like to have sex with him- but because I want to build a life with him. He doesn't check all the boxes but who does? That's a beyond unrealistic expectation. I know I don't check all his either. But that's not the point. The point is that we want to grow old together and be life partners. We not only love each other, but we choose each other every single day. We share love and passion, tears, anger, and everything on the spectrum. He's my best friend, and I'm his.

I'm not even sure why the sexual fidelity has come to play such a large role in relationships, other than the concern in the past for men having to raise others' children unwittingly. I don't know why sex has become so strongly correlated with love in Western society, when so many other cultures have other norms about sex.

To me, marriage isn't just about a legal agreement. It's not just about who you fuck. And it's not just about children, or security, or couple's privilege. It may be about all those things, but to me it's something more. It says to me, I want to share this journey with you. I love you and accept you for who you are now, knowing that we will both grow and change over the years. It says to me, I will make sacrifices for you as you make them for me, because our relationship has intrinsic value and we want to invest in it and each other.

So I will never vow to Henry that there will be no others; quite the contrary, I have promised him there always will be. But he knows that whatever connections I build with others do not take away from what I have with him. So why did I want to marry him? Because he's become the person in this world that I can trust to always have my back (and to point out when he thinks I am wrong, to boot), to know the innermost secrets of my heart, and to support me to reach my goals.

Happy anniversary to my wonderful husband... I love you, and even though things haven't always been easy, I'd take that road again if it means it would lead me to you. Here's to many more years of happiness together.

Anniversary Plans

It's hard to believe how quickly time flies- next week, Henry and I will have been married for a year! Doesn't feel like the time has gone by that quickly, although maybe some of that is just being happy that we don't have to plan a wedding anymore! ;)

I don't think I've been this happy in a long, long time, and Henry is a major part of that. His love languages are Acts of Service and Physical Touch, and he's been using them to show me how much he loves me. I see it every time I ask him to do something he doesn't want to do- and he does it for me. I see it when we snuggle in bed together every night and he can't keep his hands off me- even if we're not going to have sex. And he shows me every day when he gives me a kiss before he leaves the house and tells me he loves me. I'm a very lucky woman.

We decided just to have a low key anniversary together this year. We're going to a BDSM party on the weekend to celebrate with our friends, which should be pretty awesome. I haven't decided yet how I want to play with him, but I definitely want to do something special to show him how much I love him. We are definitely going to enjoy each other!

Then on our actual anniversary, we're going to have a bottle of champagne that we saved from our reception, and have a round of Brie and some fresh baked sourdough. I am such a cheese addict and this is one of our favorite special date activities. I am really looking forward to that. And then hopefully a crazy night of slightly drunken sex with my wonderful and no longer newlywed husband!

I started dating Charles last summer, so he and I are coming up on our anniversary, too. I remember that Henry and I got home from our honeymoon and I had already been having sexy dreams about gangbangs! Apparently my libido had decided we had done the monogamy thing for a little too long, but given all the focus on wedding planning I hadn't thought it was a good time to look for a new partner, even for something casual.

But then I went on OKCupid and Charles' profile jumped out at me. I chatted with a lot of people, but he was the first (and only) one I met this time around. We hit it off, and he's become an important part of my life, too. I still have that heady NRE and lust for him, and I'm enjoying every moment of that while it lasts! I know that doesn't last forever. And I've fallen in love pretty deeply, too, and trying to enjoy every moment of that.

I've never had this much love in my life before, not like this. Two wonderful men who are both in love with me, who actually like each other (no, they aren't involved romantically or sexually), and who care about me and want the best for me. Sometimes I have to pinch myself and ask what I've done to deserve this!

Charles and I decided to do something a little crazy for our anniversary- we're going to spend a week next month at an all inclusive in the Dominican Republic! I've never spent that kind of block of time with Charles at once, and I'm looking forward to it. We've always done more of the usual kind of "dating" thing- an evening, or maybe an overnight, but nothing longer than that. It's actually been a bit different from what I've done with previous partners who I did usually spend weekends with or a few days at a time, but given Charles' schedule that just hasn't been possible. But he made sure to clear it so that we can go away together and have a wonderful time. And while he's looking forward to the vacation (his first in years), he told me that he doesn't care as much about the "backdrop"- the place we're going or anything like that- he just wants to spend time with me. Cue my melting heart!

And yup, Henry is even going to drive us to the airport. Hate to disappoint the cuckolds out there, but he's not doing it for that reason, but instead just back to that Acts of Service love language where he wants to make me happy and make my life easier. And that's pretty amazing in and of itself. But of course, feel free to play with your little cocks thinking about my husband driving me and my boyfriend to the airport so that we can go away on a romantic 7 night trip to a resort to celebrate our anniversary- I don't mind ;)

So I have a lot of good times coming up soon... sometimes I feel like the universe is trying to make up the last few years to me. Maybe nothing lasts forever, but life still hasn't beaten the hopeless romantic out of me yet. I want to enjoy every moment with Charles and Henry. And right now, those moments are pretty spectacular.