So it's funny- I heard an expression once that said, first year forming, second year storming, third year norming. It's starting to make a lot of sense. I hadn't thought about it in past relationships but it might be so. At least for those that are looking at becoming long term things and not casual.
Charles and I have been spending more time lately doing relationship processing. I think it's more difficult in a nontraditional relationship because of the lack of relationship escalator. Think about it- when you're in a monogamous relationship, as you become more committed, there are societal steps that people tend to follow to escalate their commitment to each other. You "become exclusive", or move in together, or get married. What do you do when you want your relationship to be at that next level, so to speak, but don't have those societal trappings? It's interesting examining our attachment to these social constructs; is "just" a boyfriend meaning something less in terms of commitment? What is it that makes us feel more or less connected and secure in a relationship? I know this is getting into philosophy, but I find it very interesting and have been thinking about it quite a bit.
In the meantime, Charles and I have spent more time talking about how we're feeling about our relationship, our wants and needs, and learning each other at a more intimate level. We've been doing the dating thing all along, so it's not like this is a change, but the passage of time is allowing up to open up to each other further just like it would in a mono relationship. And sometimes that's going to mean that you butt heads a little. Charles and I definitely have different ways of processing emotional issues, and learning the best way to relate to each other is going to be a bit of a curve. But, we're both working at it and invested in making this work, so I am optimistic that we will continue to build our relationship while we navigate those speedbumps.
I also know he's been very badly used in the past by people who have claimed to be poly, or even people who swing and look for casual partners, unicorn hunters. I didn't realize the damage was quite as profound as it was. This is likely why I find myself reacting more intensely to comments that don't match with my personal ethics- because I see the carnage it can cause. Some of the stories he's told me? He's always had to be the one looking out for himself because no one else has put his wellbeing in a primary role- they've only taken care of themselves. He's always felt like he can't ask for what he needs, out of fear of upsetting the applecart with his partner and metamour. He's always had to worry about how his metamour (partner's partner) feels because they could pull the plug at any time.
Just THINK of how hard it would be to live like that. If what you really wanted was a romantic relationship and you said that, but you never had an equal say in how your relationship was run. That someone else could pull the rug out from under you at any time. That's what I think is so cruel in general about people who think spousal veto is a good idea. It forgets the humanity of the other person involved and literally treats them as disposable (let alone the damage that you do to your own relationship). So In a lot of ways, Charles tells me he hasn't had a relationship where he could feel comfortable just being himself and not feeling like he has to be on guard to protect himself, and he hasn't really been able to let that guard down because it's so firmly hardwired at this point. But he's been very clear that Henry and I have never treated him in this way, and he doesn't feel like he is treated as a secondary, or that he is disposable in any way. It takes a while to undo that programming, don't we all know. I'm sure all of us have some automatic responses that aren't the healthiest.
I remember when I was going through that heartbreak that I didn't write much about, when Patrick and I split up, how horrible it felt to feel disposable. I didn't share all the details because I was hurting, and because my ex-husband Mark was saying things that were what he felt was helpful but instead was the opposite. Mark told me that I didn't have any right to express wants and needs, because I was just the side piece. I should take what I got, enjoy the sex, and be happy with it. I shouldn't have any expectations of Patrick beyond what he wanted to give. You know what that made me feel like? Used kleenex. It's okay for people to have incompatible wants and needs- there's nothing wrong with that. But no one should ever feel like they have zero agency in their relationship. I knew that wasn't healthy for me, and although it took me a long time to process it, I eventually ended that relationship because I knew that it wasn't going to work for me. And I now had an appreciation for ways NOT to treat people.
I don't believe there is or should be universality in how relationships are run. I've said that many, many times. But I do think there are always some core things that need to be in place for a relationship to be healthy, and they include informed consent and individual agency. No one should feel like they have no option to ask for what they want in a relationship.
So getting back to the here and now... Charles and I have some growing pains to do, where I've been expecting clear communication from him, and he's been having trouble giving that because of his baggage. It's not going to be an easy solve for either of us- I'll have to be patient with him, and he's going to have to put in the work to deal with some of that baggage. But at the end of the day, he's worth it to me. Our relationship is worth it to me. And Henry is supporting me through the turbulence, because he loves me and wants me to be happy. I've been a little on the emotionally drained side lately but I've been making sure to pour some of my energy into my marriage with Henry because he needs and deserves that. Never neglect one partner because of issues with another, and don't drop all the processing onto the other partner either. Henry has a reasonable idea of what's going on, but beyond the minimum, I'm not using him as my place to vent. I have friends for that. It's not fair to dump all the stress from one side of a V onto the other. I like letting the good parts spill over, but it's my job as the hinge to make sure that the more difficult parts don't spill over. It's not fair or reasonable to do. Henry has let me know if I need anything, to ask. He's a wonderful husband, and last night I rocked his world to show him how much I appreciate him :)
Tonight is date night with Charles, and hopefully we can spend some more time relaxing and focusing on each other and less of the processing. Working on things is good, but if you spend too much time working on things, you lose sight of why you're together and why you enjoy each other. And I do love and enjoy him very much.
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