Wednesday, 25 February 2015

Deep Breaths

The last couple of weeks have been pretty stressful. Like there hasn't been enough so far! Honestly, while I never would wish that someone I love is in a bad situation, it got my mind off my situation for a while, and I think that helped me feel more normal. I'm still having good days and bad days. But, it's not all about me, thank goodness!

I got a text at 3am on Tuesday that Henry was in the hospital. I was really worried about him as he went in an ambulance and they had admitted him. Without giving out too many personal details, it was a very scary situation. Being alone in the hospital is awful and I wanted to be with him, but I didn't have anyone to watch kiddo. So I spent the next three days commuting during school hours to Henry's city so I could be there for him while he was in the hospital as much as possible. It wasn't easy and I was exhausted by the time I got home, but it felt good to show him that he matters to me. And I like taking care of people that I love, so as tiring as it was, it was good for me, too. I believe that's what you do for people you care about.

It wound up creating some poly stress for me, though. I was supposed to spend this past weekend with Jennifer. She had wanted to take me to meet her close friends on Friday night and since our last two dates had gotten cancelled because of weather and her job, I really didn't want to cancel something so important. I apologized to her but I wound up compromising. I did go to the dinner party with her friends but went back to Henry's city after that instead of spending the weekend with her like we'd planned, I went back to Henry's city since he was due to be discharged on Saturday and I didn't want him to be alone since he was still feeling pretty awful.

The dinner party was a lot of fun, though, and I think more so because I needed a break and some destress time. It was really good to be social with her friends, and it was OK for them to know we are dating and for us to be flirty together. We even wound up having a discussion about kink! Jennifer made a joke about how awesome it was that I was corrupting them, but honestly it was fun not only to be a little shocking (pun intended) but to correct some of their misunderstandings about BDSM. We also had some interesting discussions about polyamory since her friends are mostly all poly. Either way, it was a really enjoyable party and the time just flew by. And it was so nice to get to spend some time with Jennifer. Even though we couldn't play or get naked together, just being with her and kissing her and flirting made me feel so good.

After the party, she drove me back to Henry's city. What a sweetie. This is one of the places where poly just fills me with so much happiness. She knew I was frazzled about Henry and instead of being upset I shortened our date weekend (although I'm sure she was disappointed, and I was too), she wanted to help me go be there for him. She really is such a wonderful person. I am so lucky to have her in my life.

The rest of the weekend with Henry was just pretty low key. Lots of cuddles and naps and just spending time together. I just wanted to make things as easy for him as possible. This was actually by far the longest period of time we've gone without having sex. I don't think we'd ever gone more than 24 hours while we were together without having sex or some sort of play but I knew he wasn't up to it and it was still good just to be with him. Sometimes I still have trouble thinking straight when we're in bed together, naked, holding each other. It just feels so good that I can't think about anything else... all I can think about is being in the moment and how I love him and it feels so right.

I occasionally get a twinge because I know that just because it feels good doesn't mean anything really. I mean, I remember all the wonderful moments in my marriage. Lately they've really been flooding my memory and it's been hard because I really miss the way it was. We used to have a code to say I love you in public if we didn't want to be all mushy. There were just so many good times. I still don't understand how he could walk away from all of it. I miss the person that he was... but he isn't the same any more, and that is so hard to accept. But, it is what it is. Some days it just hurts more than others. It didn't help that I had pretty horrible but realistic nightmares all night yesterday and woke up a mess. My counselor told me that it's okay to pick the daisies sometimes, though. She says I need to take care of myself and to remember that it's okay for me to find happiness. So I try and let myself relax and enjoy the moments.

I got into a pretty scary situation on the highway a few nights ago with a friend, which also didn't help my stress levels. We hit some black ice that was hidden under a layer of snow and started fishtailing all over the road because the tires couldn't get a grip. I really thought that we were going to die. We came so close to the guardrail on my side that I could have reached out my window and touched it. We swerved back, avoided another car, and nearly hit the guardrail on the other side. By the time my friend got control of the car again, we were facing the wrong way on the highway. It was probably the scariest situation I have ever been in, my entire life. I didn't even really have time to think except that I really thought I was going to die and I pictured kiddo in my mind. We were so lucky that no one was hurt!

So things have been a little crazy lately. I really just need some downtime to relax, with no stress. It'd be nice if winter went away, too. I need to win Powerball so that I can take off and lay on a beach for a while with a fruity frozen drink with a little umbrella!

Monday, 16 February 2015


One benefit of having a major life change is that it's gotten me to do a lot of thinking about what I want from life and how I feel about things. I thought that I had my life basically figured out, and now, as Doc Brown would say, the future hasn't been written yet so make it a good one. It's just important to know what will make you happy. There is so much diversity out there, and we all have different desires and goals. I might not be sure where I will end up, but at least I know now that I am going to walk my own path.

Kiddo was invited on to a friend's house for the weekend, so I decided to go visit Henry at the last minute. We had decided in advance not to celebrate Valentine's Day, though. I feel like it's just another commercial way to squeeze money out of people during a slow post Christmas retail season. I mean, I want my partners to show me love and affection and appreciation all the time, not just because the calendar says they should. And I certainly wouldn't want to go to a nice restaurant on Valentine's Day; they are crazy busy, so food quality and service suffers. And that's if they don't have a prix fixe menu which costs more to boot (along with flowers and chocolate)! I was happy just to spend some time with him.

We spent the entire weekend either naked or mostly so. It was just perfect. Talking, cuddling, watching Netflix, playing, and having sex. I think of time like that as being in a bubble... it's not part of reality because we're in our own little world where nothing else exists. But it can be so connecting, too. Touch is very important to me, and Henry needs it just as much as I do. Just what the doctor ordered!

I had been waiting for a while for a good time to try out some kinky ideas, too. Oh, it was well worth waiting for! He knelt in front of me so I could lock his collar around his neck, and then I handed him a nice sized butt plug and told him to go put it in. When he came back, I had spread some towels on the floor and told him to get on his knees so I could attach a Humbler to his balls. It was so sexy seeing his balls stretched and knowing I could control him any way I liked- he couldn't even stand up with the device on. Then I buckled a ball gag on and positioned him in front of me so I could use him as a footstool and watch some TV.

I could see he was enjoying this as much as I was; his cock was rock hard and he was dripping precum all over the towels. I leaned over and kissed his cheek and nibbled down his neck and listened to him moan. It was so sexy to see his mouth stretched wide around the ball, drooling all over himself for me. I took my feet down so that I could get a little more hands on with him :) I tugged on the Humbler and played with his balls, and ran my fingers down his taint. I fucked him with the butt plug and played with his nipple rings until he was shaking and moaning. By then I was pretty worked up, and since this was the first time we'd tried the Humbler I thought it best to keep it on the short side. I released him from the gag and the Humbler but left in the butt plug, and told him to get himself on his bed. I climbed on his cock and rode him hard and fast until we both came hard- it was brief, but intense and passionate and so satisfying.

He wore his collar all weekend. I loved seeing it around his neck and he liked to play with the O ring in the front. He's a musician so he's always tapping on something and usually it drives me nuts, but this made me smile because it reminded me that he's wearing it. And it was so convenient to have another way to grab him :)

Sometimes it really is the little moments. We didn't do anything "special" at all, but it was an amazing weekend. Lying in bed together watching Netflix while his hands start to wander slowly, with no need to hurry. Just a slow, erotic buildup until I couldn't help moaning and my pussy was dripping when he hadn't even touched it. Or when I was reading on the couch while he did a quick cleanup, and he tucked me in cozily with three different blankets since he knows I get cold so easily. Drinking sangria and tasting chocolate mousse on each other's lips. Or just falling asleep with our arms around each other.

Every relationship I've had has brought me happiness, and that's one reason I enjoy writing this blog. Even when a relationship ends, I can look back at the moments we shared and remember how I felt at the time. Sometimes it's hard to remember and I need a little more distance, but every person who's been in my life intimately has made it a little richer. Every person sees the world a little differently and enjoys unique things, and being able to share those moments has broadened my horizons. Connection is the driving need in my life; it's what brings me happiness. I've been lucky to experience what I have so far because it's helped make me who I am. I've met some really fantastic people, and leaving myself open to exploring those connections in whatever form they may take means being available to some pretty fantastic possibilities. I love being polyamorous, and while I still want someone in my life to be my primary lover and vice versa, I wouldn't change my relationship orientation even if Prince Charming rode in on his white horse. After all, to be my Prince Charming, he'd have to love me for myself. To thine own self be true.

Wednesday, 11 February 2015


Oh yes, this past weekend was badly needed! It was our big quarterly play party, and it always sells out in a hurry because it's so much fun! Jennifer and Henry both planned to go, but unfortunately we got hit by a big snowstorm and Jennifer decided not to brave the roads. I haven't seen her in a while because things keep falling through (she missed the munch as well), but hopefully we'll get to see each other again soon.

Henry and Frank came for the play party, which we figured would be interesting since it was his first play party. It was lots of fun to watch him like a kid in a candy store watching everything and meeting lots of new and interesting people. I was a little anxious that he wouldn't know how to behave, since he has a bit of an exuberant personality (rather like a puppy), but fortunately my worries were unfounded and we all had a great time. I got to socialize with friends and introduce Henry around as mine to the people who hadn't met him yet. And he was wearing his collar. I couldn't have been more happy to have him there, our arms around each other, with that strap of leather locked around his neck with a pink heart shaped lock (oh yes, I'm a romantic) and the key safely carried in my bra (what, you think that fetishwear has pockets?).

John was there, too, and it was interesting introducing him to Henry. They chatted a bit. While my relationship with John ran its course, he and I are still friends and we text occasionally and keep up on each other's lives. I have no interest in dating him anymore, but I enjoyed what we had and the time we spent together, so it was good to see him again.

We did a fun scene with hot wax and ice, which Frank really enjoyed watching. Wax was the first scene that Henry and I have done together, and I told him that I still think that was the most fun I've ever had playing with wax. I had his wrists and ankles chained together, and then tied him down to the table. Watching him wriggle and squirm and listening to him gasp was so erotic... Henry told me afterwards that he could smell the pheremones pouring off me while we played. My pussy was certainly dripping!

After we played, we went and cuddled on the couch next to another couple who was practically fucking- she was sitting on his lap with her tongue down his throat. But, they still had their pants on- it was a no-sex party, unfortunately. Henry suggested no one would notice given that I was wearing a long skirt, but I decided it wasn't worth the risk of being kicked out of the party! I happen to like attending that one. But it wasn't long before we went back to my place and it felt like we got naked and his cock was inside me in a second. We fucked every which way you can imagine... so hungry for skin on skin and so much pleasure. He was inside me, and then I fucked him with my cock until he exploded. It was hot, sweaty, messy sex and we couldn't get enough of each other.

We collapsed together exhausted in bed wrapped in each other's arms and slept so deeply I'm not sure we moved at all. I woke up cuddled next to him and feeling warm and happy, his lips brushing against my cheek and hearing him whisper "I love you" in a scratchy morning voice. It was a good, good night. I needed that.

Friday, 6 February 2015

Social Networks

I didn't realize how isolated I've been lately. I hadn't been out to a munch in four months, and only a couple of parties. I have really missed seeing my friends. I have been so lonely and it was really good to get to spend some time with people who care about me. I knew I was missing some social time, but I didn't realize how important it was for my emotional health. I feel so much better just having gotten out, getting to chat with people and hugs. Hugs are awesome :)

Henry and Frank came to the munch, too, and it was good to be able to show Henry off. It was a good balance, too; we spent some time together and some time off socializing with our own friends. And when he came back over and slid his arms around me and kissed me in front of the whole room, it made me feel so good. Maybe it's silly but PDA makes me feel like he wants to be with me enough that he wants to show he is with me; that he's not afraid to show the world that he loves me. And after everything... I really need that validation.

After the munch, Henry and Frank came over and we split a bottle of wine and watched some Netflix. It was low key and we just hung out, and when we got sleepy Frank went to the guest room and Henry and I fell asleep cuddled up. It hadn't been that long, but the feeling of skin on skin was so good. Oxytocin is a lovely thing. Drifting off to sleep with his arms around me.

I am hoping that this month will help me start to recover. I got to go to the munch, and I have two parties planned and hopefully a date with Jennifer, too. I just want to start feeling like myself again. I want to be happy and pick up the pieces of my life and move on.