Sunday, 1 September 2019

Date Night

Since we've been talking about quality time and connection, I thought I'd continue on with that in this post.

We will all have times in our relationships where we're feeling run down, or when we take our partner for granted, or when it just feels like we don't have enough romance in our lives. At that point, you have two choices. You can go with "I'm feeling disconnected so I'm not really feeling like making an effort," and continue the way you're going and drift further apart. Or, you can acknowledge there's been some drift already, and work to close the gap.

It's not always fun to pour effort into a relationship, especially when you might not be feeling especially loving towards your partner, for whatever reason. But ultimately, you can choose to take actions that will bring you closer together, or that will bring you further apart. If there's a real issue to discuss, definitely do that! I don't mean to gloss over relationship problems with romance. But if it's just the day to day grind wearing you down- think about what you can do to bring the focus back on you and your partner.

I've always been a hopeless romantic- the kind of woman who dreamt of the big, showy gestures. But realistically, the partners I've dated aren't the kind of people who went for that sort of thing, and that's okay. Henry, for example, consistently goes for the little things and those are pretty awesome. I've read that little gestures more frequently can boost relationship satisfaction higher than the big gestures, and I'm sure that's right. It only makes sense that the more frequently you put energy into your relationship, the happier it will be.

But... I happen to like the big, showy, romantic gestures sometimes. And I've learned that it's almost as much fun being the person who plans them, as it is the person who receives them. I can't remember how much I shared here, but my proposal to Henry was a big, showy, romantic gesture, and he loved it so much that it brought tears to his eyes. Fortunately, I had a photographer standing by to capture it!

And so I have another special plan for Henry. I am not going to write about it yet, in case he happens to choose this time to randomly read my blog (Hi, sweetie!). But we have decided that we want a dedicated date night for our marriage, and the first night is my turn, and I want it to be something really over the top.

What do you do to keep the romance going in your relationship(s)?

Sunday, 25 August 2019

Quality Time

Well, my little summer "vacation" is coming to an end- Kiddo comes home tomorrow from visitation with my ex husband. While I miss him and can't wait to see him again, it was really nice getting some adult time in with my favourite men! The past week with Henry has been pretty fantastic. We've both been tired so we haven't gotten into any really long days of kink and we skipped a play party on the weekend, but we've been making sure to have some good, quality time and lots of connected physical intimacy.

Sex doesn't make the relationship, but I think that for allosexual people (anyone who doesn't identify as asexual), having a sexual connection really is so important for feeding a relationship. While I do believe the whole concept of men have sex to feel loved and women have sex when they feel loved, is a crock of crap (Henry and I are reversed, and I know lots of people who don't fit neatly along the gender binary as well), there's still a very valid issue that sex enhances connection and intimacy in a relationship as long as both partners are using it in that manner and not just looking to get their own rocks off. Although there's a time and a place for that, too!

I know that life gets in the way, and sometimes sex feels like a chore. I've found though, that making time for sex pays you back in so many ways. Sometimes it gives you more energy to get all the stuff you have to do, done. It definitely will give your mood a bit of a boost. It will make you feel closer to your partner. And touch and cuddles in general are so important to good physical and mental health.

Orgasm releases all those feel-good chemicals like oxytocin, and in my case, also releases the giggles. I know that both Henry and Charles loves to see me all giggly during and after sex because then they definitely know they've given me what I need.

Henry's health hasn't been great lately, and it's been wearing at our sex life a bit. Despite seeing Charles much less often, I have been finding that I'm having sex with him at about a 2:1 rate than I was with Henry. Some of that makes sense in the context of NRE, though. When Henry heard that Charles and I had sex 5 times in 3 days, he laughed and said he didn't think he'd be up for that anymore! I suspect if Charles is still around in a few years, he might not be up for that either! Then who will keep up with my raging libido? ;)

But the past week or so has started to pick up for Henry, and we've made a determined effort to make up for lost time. It was so sexy this afternoon to strap on my harness and bend him over the back of the bed and fuck him until he came all over himself in a hot, wet rush. Sometimes I wish I could know what it really feels like to fuck someone with a cock that isn't made of silicone- one where I could feel his muscles grab my cock tightly, every shiver of his body echoing along mine. I know what I'd be doing if we switched places during a Freaky Friday and it wouldn't involve leaving the house.

Either way, the past few days have left us delightfully achy, leaking various body fluids, and being sickeningly cuddly and kissy together. It's been absolutely wonderful.

So, go give your partner some sexing... doctors' orders!

Tuesday, 20 August 2019

Happy Sighs, Redux

So I got to have a wonderful and low key long weekend with Charles, just like I did with Henry last weekend. It was pretty lovely. He took off work (again) so that we could have this big block of uninterrupted time. Between this and our anniversary trip in June though, I think he's going to be running out of vacation days this year. It makes me so happy that he wants to spend them on us, though.

We didn't get dressed the entire four days. It was a pretty amazing weekend. Lots of sexy times, and then lots of just hanging out and chatting and having fun together. One day, we hot tubbed in the pouring rain. That was pretty fun and awesome!

While we didn't get around to everything we wanted to do, life seems to work that way. I'm okay with being somewhat patient, although everyone who knows me well knows how greedy I can be ;) 

We had lots of amazing sex. One of the lovely things I'll say about having a boyfriend who is ten years younger than I am is that his rebound time is amazing! We had sex three times on Saturday, and I'm not exactly a quickie sort of woman. According to my stats tracker, we spent over 4 hours having sex that day. That was pretty fantastic!

Mmm... I had really missed having my ass licked. There are so many nerve endings there... the feeling of having a tongue work across my tight little rosebud is just pure electricity. I don't like to be fucked in the ass, but a tongue can always work its magic and it wasn't long before I was squirting all over the bed. It's definitely worth the prep to have fun like that!

And tonight is date night again. I know it hasn't been long, but I'm still looking forward to seeing Charles again :)  I'm still in that phase where I feel like I can't get enough of him, and it's been more than a year.

Wednesday, 14 August 2019

Happy Sighs

So this past weekend with Henry was lovely. It wasn't what I expected it to be, but sometimes that makes it even lovelier. After all, if you envision something in too much detail, reality will never live up to the hype.

Note to all men reading this post who go to swingers' clubs; don't be the creepy single guy. Seriously. I can't believe how disgusting some of the men at the club were. There were a few women there who were looking for gangbangs, and the swarms of single men around them just looked like locusts. Yes, that is an incredibly unsexy image! I was beyond appalled. There seemed to be no concept of respectful personal space or even just plain respect. Men were walking around in towels masturbating while they watched people fuck. It was a massive turnoff and I can't believe it was allowed, to be honest.

We had gone there with the intention of having a threesome, preferably with another man since usually, I wind up more interested in other women when we are doing casual pickups. But Henry was equally disgusted with the behaviour that we saw, so we decided we'd just have sex with each other. We even specifically went to the couples' area so that we wouldn't have to worry about the Creepy Single Guys (TM) getting into our personal space. Well, until I used the railing to ride his cock; then one of them was literally six inches from my face while I was trying to fuck my husband. It was just gross and unattractive and a massive turnoff.

The bartender told us that it would be better in the evening when it was couples only, so we decided to come back. I don't think I'd ever go back there on days single men are allowed, and I say that as a hotwife with a pansexual husband who would most certainly enjoy a threesome with a man. But what she didn't tell us was that the first several hours were mostly for drinking and dancing and that people don't start fucking until well after midnight. We were just tired by that point and decided to head out.

While we did enjoy a day out together, it really wasn't what we had in mind and I'm not sure I'd bother going back to that particular club again. The best part of the day was when we came home and made up a nice cheese and charcuterie platter and had a bottle of champagne while we cuddled up together. It was just good to have some low key time for us to connect and focus on our relationship- the sexy bits were the icing on the cake.

The rest of the weekend was pretty great, though. We enjoyed the dungeon at our friends' house and got in a little BDSM play together. Henry wanted to do some anal stretching and we had a lot of fun with one of our big Bad Dragon toys. He also nearly took my entire hand again, which is really sexy. I love fisting him :)

I also got in a little dungeon play with a friend in Toronto, and we had a blast. I got to introduce him to urethral sounds, which he loved. Stuff like that is always fun.

All in all, it was a lovely mini-vacation with Henry. But I definitely was missing Charles when I came home! But there is some symmetry, as Henry decided to go visit some friends out of town for the weekend, so now Charles is coming to stay here for our own little staycation. I am a lucky, lucky woman.

Wednesday, 7 August 2019

Fun Times Ahead!

So it's been great lately; Henry has been feeling better and we've been having lots of great sex. I'm so glad we've been getting to focus on that part of our connection because I've missed him :)

This weekend we have what is almost a mini-vacation coming up. Some kinky friends of ours are going out of town and asked us to house-sit. Since that house sitting also includes their massive basement dungeon, it was an easy decision to say yes! While we have lots of toys, we don't really have much in the way of dungeon furniture because it's a little too hard to hide from the kiddo. It's really going to be nice to have the proper equipment available for what we want to do! Beds are awesome, but frequently at the wrong height or you can't get to both sides comfortably, etc.

So, today I've been picking out what I want to take! Probably my violet wand kit, my urethral sounds, maybe my sensory play kit. And of course, lots of sex toys too :)

Henry and I are also planning to go to the local swingers' club. While we're there, they are having a bisexual play party which sounds awesome. One of the (many) things I don't like about swingers' clubs is the prevalence of heteronormativity. Bisexuality only seems to be okay if it's female bisexuality. And while I enjoy the company of an interesting woman as much as the next person, I don't think that it's fair that Henry doesn't have the same opportunity to express his sexuality fully. We both identify as pansexual, and he hasn't been fucked by a man in a while and I know he would enjoy that. And I would very much enjoy watching it, especially if I had someone's face in my cunt while I was doing so ;)  I've already told Charles that is a fantasy of mine... but I'll save the details for another time.

We've never been to this particular club, but no matter what the outcome is, I think it will be great. Either we'll find some new people to play with and have fun, or else we'll just wind up having sex ourselves with an audience. When the worst-case scenario is having sex with your partner, it's going to be a great time!

Thursday, 1 August 2019

The Cornerstones of a Relationship

Those of you who have been reading my posts for a while probably know by now that I don't believe in any "one twue wayisms". I don't really believe there is ever one way to structure your relationship(s) that is right, or the best way. We all come from different places and have different wants and needs. And one of the best parts about wanting to live an alternative lifestyle is that there is no universality; you can craft a relationship to suit yourselves.

Now, that doesn't mean that I don't think that healthy relationships have nothing in common. It seems to be somewhat of a truism that dysfunctional relationships are all unique, while happy relationships have many commonalities. Why is that?

Because whether you're an uber religious household that prays together daily or a 24/7 Dominant/submissive household with high protocol or anything in between, if you're in a happy and healthy functioning relationship, there are some key ingredients that are going to be there.

Communication:

Members in a healthy relationship don't expect their partner(s) to read their minds. They talk about their wants and needs, and negotiate a balance so that everyone is getting treated fairly. Fair and equal are two separate concepts.

Not that I believe there should be default assumptions in a relationship anyway, but especially in an alternative lifestyle it's very important to have open and honest communication and to be forthright with your partner. There ARE no defaults because there is no universality.

Whole books have been written about good communication, so I won't try to summarize it into a few paragraphs of a blog post. But if you come here wondering, how do I get my partner to do X? Your first instinct should be to talk to them about what you are thinking and feeling in an open way where you aren't trying to manipulate them into doing it. If it's not, then you really should think about your communication skills and how they're affecting your intimacy and connection.

Respect:

This one ties back into communication. Respect that your partner is an autonomous human being with their own wants and needs. They aren't necessarily going to want the same things as you. Don't infantilize your partner; if you wouldn't want your partner to try and manipulate you into something, or say they're doing it for your own good, don't do it to them. And if you DO want your partner to do those things, you should probably spend some time thinking about personal responsibility.

Informed Consent:

This is the big one. You can live your lives in any way that suits everyone involved, as long as everyone gives informed consent. What does that mean? Tell me if you can see the difference between these two situations:

A girl is raised in a polygamous household and is taught that plural marriage is from God and that it is her biological destiny to raise children in this lifestyle.

A woman is exposed to all different types of relationships and marriages, and chooses to participate in a plural marriage as a secondary wife to raise children.

In both cases, you have effectively the same actions taking place, but one is clearly grooming and manipulation; the girl in the former case has no ability to give informed consent. She might say yes, but she doesn't know or believe that she has any other options.

The woman in the second case is over the age of 18, and has seen that there are many ways to practice relationships and marriages. She knows that she has different choices, and has chosen the one that best suits what she and her partner(s) want.

While that certainly wouldn't be the path I choose, variety is the spice of life and it's great that people have the option to live their lives however they want to. I strongly support that everyone be able to choose the path they want, regardless of whether it's palatable for me. And that's where informed consent comes in. As long as people know what they're getting into and make that choice knowing they have other options and aren't being manipulated into it, it's 100% okay.

So to bring this post back to hotwifing... I see so many men online who are not treating their wives with respect, communicating their desires, or giving informed consent.

For all of the talk that this is a woman centered kink, I only see that in a minority of relationships. It's why it's nearly always the man coming online asking how he can convince his wife to become a hotwife. It's about his fantasies, not about hers. The people involved are just porn stars in his fantasies rather than human beings with wants and needs and desires. And so much of the behaviour that destroys relationships comes from that; the fear, the control, the acceptance of deception or manipulation to get a wife into the lifestyle. And it's why when things don't go the way he's been fantasizing about, that suddenly he wants to pull the rip cord.

That's not how you do this lifestyle in a healthy way, and I am comfortable saying that absolutely without equivocation. If you have to ask strangers on the internet how to get your spouse into a sexual kink, you need to think about why your first thought isn't to just talk to your spouse about what you want. If you have to present it a certain way or try and highlight things to manipulate them into it, that's a problem. It's not clear and open communication. If you want to set your partner up with someone trying to seduce her, or get her drunk so her inhibitions will be down, you're not allowing her the right to informed consent about her actions. And if you don't recognize that even if she says yes, that she will have her own wants, needs, and desires in this lifestyle that will not always coincide with yours, and you don't acknowledge that hers are equally as valid as yours, you should reconsider whether this lifestyle is really for you.

Sunday, 28 July 2019

Sewing Bondage Straps

It's really amazing sometimes how a little bit of a perspective change can make so much of a difference in things.

Henry knows me so well. Sometimes I still think I must have been born under a lucky star to have him in my life. So many things had to work out this specific way for us to find one another. And I nearly didn't date him because he wasn't what I was looking for on paper! And he nearly didn't date me since he'd had a bad experience with a married woman before!

Well, the stars aligned and I got to marry this wonderful man. So what do I love about him? Well, I've written a lot about him before, and I don't want to repeat myself, so I'll focus on this one particular thing he does.

What do you do, when you want your partner to do something they aren't particularly interested in, or if there is a behaviour you want them to change? Twenty years ago, I would have said something that would have boiled down to, hope they notice that it matters to you, because if you have to ask them to do it then it doesn't mean anything. Ten years ago I would have said, let them know how much it matters to you because you can't expect them to read your mind and then remind them repeatedly if they don't comply. Five years ago, I would have said to tell them once or twice how much it matters to you, and then do it yourself if need be since it's obviously not a priority to them. Now? I'd probably put more effort into trying to understand why my request is such a problem that they don't want to do it, and evaluating from there but trying to understand their position.

But my sweet husband is already playing this on expert mode.

He loves bondage- the more restrictive, the better. Ideally, he'd love it if I was into the pretty artistic rope bondage as well as just for restraint purposes. He struck out here because while I occasionally enjoy restraints, I not only don't find them intrinsically arousing but I'm not interested in putting in the learning curve to do the intricate ropework.

So, what is he to do? Well, he could just give up on doing that with me. We're both poly and open, so nothing would stop him from seeking out another partner to bottom for rope/restraint with, except for the fact that he's not feeling like putting the energy into a new partner right now and it's much more difficult for a male rope bottom than for a female rope bottom anyway.

He could badger me about fulfilling his kink, and point out that he goes out of his way to say yes to me, and otherwise use scorekeeping and manipulation to try and get me to do it. This would not have a positive outcome for him. Scorekeeping in a relationship is a terrible thing to do and it destroys intimacy. We should do things for our partner that we want to do, not that we feel we have to do; that sucks all the joy out of it.

He could try to negotiate the occasional rope play with me. While he would likely get his desired result occasionally, he knows that it would be a thing I dread and would be doing solely for his benefit. In addition, if I don't put the effort into learning the ropes, so to speak, I wouldn't be at a skill level to do what he wants if it was only occasional.

None of those options really result in him getting what he wants. So what does my wonderful husband do? He goes out and buys all the materials and makes idiot-proof homemade bondage straps that will give him that restricted feel he wants but be easy for me to operate and can be put on in five minutes flat. Suddenly, it's not a bunch of time and effort into a thing that I don't want to learn or care about- it's only a couple of minutes and I can give my sweetie what he wants. Because I do love him and want him to be happy, of course.

Trying to change your partner tends not to work very well. Giving up on your desires also tends not to work very well. But if you can actually come at the problem in such a way as to deal with the reason your partner doesn't want to do the thing and then solve that? Everyone is going to be happy :)  I feel loved because he recognized and solved my issue, and proud of his creativity. He gets what he wants. It's a win-win.

So next time your partner doesn't want to do something that bothers you (not necessarily a sex thing- it could be anything), see if you can solve the actual problem rather than trying to change them. I guarantee you'll both be much happier with the outcome.