Tuesday, 23 July 2013

Holy Fucking Crap!

Okay, well I had a really, really fucking awesome weekend. I haven't been this happy in a long time. I went to spend the weekend with Allen (we live in different cities but only an hour apart, however logistics dictate that it's easier to spend a couple of days together than just one) and we had an incredible time.

We went to two kink parties on the weekend, and had fun at both of them. I didn't realize I was as much of an exhibitionist as I apparently am, but kinky stuff really makes me hot so what can I say? :) We played with a violet wand at one party and that was a lot of fun. I was so wet by the time we were done... and Allen reminded me that this was a sex friendly party! So we went into one of the rooms off to the side with a bed. There was no door. I don't think anyone actually stopped in to watch, but they had to walk past to go to the bathroom so I bet we got peeked at, at least. I do know we were overheard which kind of turns me on, much to my surprise. Allen licked my pussy and rimmed my ass very well and I had several very noisy orgasms. But, I'm the Domme and I was happy so if they didn't want to listen, well, they could have gone elsewhere!

The next day we went to another sex friendly party, but there actually wasn't a place to have sex. Kind of odd- I guess we could have kicked people off the couch? Maybe next time! We did a wax play scene at this party and I really enjoyed it and so did Allen. It was fun watching him gasp and wiggle, although he couldn't move too far bound in 60ft of rope!

The sex has been just amazing, though. I thought I'd already been getting very good sex, but holy crap have I been lucky lately with finding men who are incredible in bed. And one of the fun parts of playing with a submissive man who loves licking pussy is that I can just lie back and enjoy his mouth and fingers for as long as I want to; I don't have to worry about returning the favour if I don't want to (although I nearly always do unless I'm having fun torturing him!), and I don't have to consider that I'm taking advantage of him. I can just focus on my pleasure and the mindblowing orgasms that result!

I had to scrape myself off the ceiling, I was flying so high after the sex on both Saturday and Sunday. I am extremely multiorgasmic, but usually I hit a point where I get too sensitive and need to stop. On Sunday, we literally soaked his bed so much from my pussy squirting everywhere that he had to not only wash his sheets but the mattress pad too! I didn't want to stop... so we just kept going and going until I had a massive orgasm that just kept going and didn't stop- the longest and most intense one I've ever had. It was awesome.

Suffice it to say, I am really, really looking forward to seeing Allen again!

Monday, 15 July 2013

Further Explorations

Some of you may have noticed the potentially interesting change in my partner counter for 2013. Since I don't consider myself actively bisexual, I doubt it will ever get too high, but certainly in the context of kink I find women a lot of fun!

Last week I had a lovely BDSM scene with both Skyler and *Lisa, a friend of mine from the local kink community. There was no "actual" sex, which I suppose raises the question of how to determine what is sex? It can't just be penetration, or a lot of rewarding girl/girl encounters wouldn't be sex. At any rate, I decided that what happened that night was sexual, so as far as I was concerned, there was sex :)

It was my first time Dominating two submissives at once, and I think that the scene went really well. Both subs told me they enjoyed it and wanted more, which was good for my ego, certainly! And I was absolutely dripping wet while we played. I didn't allow myself an orgasm because I wanted to ensure I maintained control over both of them and didn't want to be too distracted and leave either one of them at loose ends. I did, however, play with my pussy after I gagged Lisa with my panties and duct tape, and have Skyler and (later, after I ungagged her) Lisa lick my pussy juice off my fingers. Hot :)

I am really looking forward to this weekend when I see Allen again. We're supposed to go to two play parties and hopefully fuck a lot at his place as well. We're texting a lot, but I'm finding that I feel like I need some more in person to build the connection.

Mark and I also did a lot of talking, again. We wanted to make sure we were both comfortable where things were going. He'd always been a little uncomfortable with my relationship with Patrick, because quite frankly I handled it very badly. I hadn't been looking for a poly relationship and had no experience with them, so I didn't know what to do with one when I realized how much I needed it. So he is happy that I am wrapping up the ends of this one. But I wanted to go over with him how to handle things in the future. I told him that I can't promise that it's not going to happen again, and that realistically, I do feel open to the concept of falling in love again. We had a really good chat that I think left both of us feeling better. I want to make sure that he always knows, regardless of anything else, that he is my absolute priority and that I love him more than anything. And he does.

Friday, 12 July 2013

When One Door Closes...

I do have a few things I want to catch up on, but I also wanted to share some somewhat related news that has me very happy right now.

I've met someone new :) I'm not sure yet where it's going but I know that the little ache that has been in my heart for a long time seems to have been going away. That was part of what made me able to write that last entry, I suppose. I've known for a long time that my relationship with Patrick was over, but my own insecurity made it hard for me to let go. I think that being open to new possibilities right now made me able to reaffirm to myself that I am sexy and desirable and interesting to new people.

I had decided to be getting out more in the kink community, since I want to meet new people and enjoy hanging around with like minded individuals. And frankly, watching scenes is incredibly hot and thinking that I could learn this stuff is even better! So, I casually took a look at the list of people who attended a specific play party in a neighbouring city and glanced through their profiles, and one jumped out at me. It was very well written and clearly by someone who cares about expressing himself well and who is intelligent- both things that turn me on. We started a dialogue, met for a date, and hit it off. He identifies as a submissive and is also polyamorous, both characteristics that appeal to me. So, it's still new yet and we are learning about each other, but it's going well and I am looking forward to getting to know him.

We are clearly sexually compatible, since we had a weekend together at my house when Mark was out of town and my family was babysitting. I haven't met too many men who can keep up with me, and *Allen is definitely one of them! He also loves to lick pussy, and he is damn good at it too. Happy sighs :)

But yes, I think one of the reasons the aches didn't go away when I tried to fill the empty space in my life was because I was trying to fill a "relationship" need with casual sex, and that just doesn't work. Much as I enjoy casual sex, it's so much more when you're with someone you connect with and genuinely enjoy as a person. So far, that seems to be pretty great! I can't wait to see him again.

Tuesday, 9 July 2013


I haven't shared much of a more personal nature here, but I woke up last night in the middle of the night and had an introspective moment. Odd that they seem to hit at random times like that! But, I feel like I am finally ready to put some of my thoughts into words and this feels like an appropriate venue.

I am polyamorous, not just polysexual like I had originally thought when we started in this lifestyle. I had always believed that I was monogamous by nature, and even if other people enjoyed different types of relationships that it must mean that they had something missing in their primary relationship. In the past, when I became interested in someone new, I always lost interest in my current partner at the same time, so I had always wondered why people cheated. Why couldn't they have the respect to end things with their current partner first? When I look back and think of how black and white my thought process was then, I'm a little disappointed in myself. But, we were all young and started somewhere, so instead I will choose to focus on how I am willing to learn and grow and adapt.

When Mark and I had been in the lifestyle for about six months, I met Patrick. Back then we had rules about the types of connections that we were comfortable having, and I knew nearly immediately that this was going to become something that would go off the rails. I am not sure I believe in love at first sight, but I do believe that sometimes you will recognize someone that you have intense chemistry with immediately. I also believe that some people are meant to be in our lives- we just have to figure out their purpose. Patrick was both of those to me.

I will confess that regardless of our rules, I decided to meet Patrick. I had those feelings prior to our first meeting and told myself that it was just lust and the excitement of someone new and nothing more. The conversation and physical desire between us was intoxicating, and the first meeting was mindblowing. We spent a lot of time in contact online, and saw each other as often as we could, given that we had a long distance relationship. The sex continued to be amazing, and he introduced me gently to the world of kink, which had always fascinated me but I'd been too scared to explore my desire. This showed me that "real, normal" people did kinky stuff and piqued my interest.

It was only a few months later that we realized that we had fallen in love with each other. I knew I had strong feelings for him, but I had continued to tell myself it was just the excitement of a new relationship with a compatible person. It had been getting harder and harder to convince myself of that as time went by, though. When we had that conversation, though, it was an amazing moment. Nothing really tops hearing someone you love telling you that they love you, for the very first time.

At that point I knew that Mark and I really needed to sit down and talk. He generally had preferred not to hear details of my encounters, especially with people I was seeing on an ongoing basis. He told me that he truly knew what was going on but he didn't want to think about it. The conversation we had was difficult, because he didn't understand this need of mine, and neither did I. We both agreed that our marriage had gotten stronger over the past few months. He told me that opening our relationship was the best decision that we'd made, short of having our son. We were both happy and madly in love with each other. We agreed that we felt like we were falling in love all over again, but with the wonderful feeling of being in a secure, established marriage. This was clearly something that had bonded us, not driven us apart.

So, we worked on things and made some adjustments to our relationship structure to allow for more flexibility in my relationships, rather than just limiting them to casual hookups. Patrick and I continued to see each other, although not as often as we would have liked. Then things all went to hell. Without going into detail, basically God or Fate or whoever took a giant crap on his life and he got crazy busy. Since he lives three hours away, that made it difficult for us to see each other and cut back on our time online as well. He kept telling me that he hoped things would change soon, and that he was doing his best to make time to see me, but months started to slip by and nothing changed. And I cried at night but wasn't ready to let go and move on.

It's been ten months since I've seen Patrick, and I finally feel like I am ready to let go. We still haven't had the chance to speak in person, which is something that I really need to close this chapter in my life, but at least I am finally ready to organize my thoughts now. Hopefully at some point we'll be able to sit down together and talk the way I need to, but I accept that is entirely outside my control and that may never happen. This was a terrible way to end a relationship, but again, that wasn't fully in my control either and I need to accept that, too.

For the longest time, those nights when I cried, I kept asking myself, why? Patrick and I shared the belief that we had been meant to meet and be a part of each other's lives. We had a very intense connection and passionate and deep love. How could it have been meant to be so brief when Mark tells me he had never seen me as happy as I was that summer? It's only now that the pain and loss is starting to recede that I have the perspective to really think about what I learned and how the relationship helped my growth and development as a person. Did it hurt? Fuck yes- but it helped to make me who I am today and has opened me to so much more.

I don't know that I would ever have gotten the courage to start exploring my kinky fantasies, especially with respect to power exchange, if I hadn't met Patrick. Right now learning to be a Domme is something that I am really enjoying, and I have met some wonderful people and feel like I am really becoming part of the BDSM community. That is an incredibly valuable gift that I received from my relationship. And, I learned that I am in fact polyamorous; that I am happier when I am in multiple loving relationships and this is something that is part of who I am.

I also realize how many mistakes I made in my first poly relationship. I was infatuated with Patrick, so I was willing to compromise my needs to suit the situation since I knew that I couldn't have him any other way and I thought that I should take what I could get rather than just scrap the relationship. I was willing to accept less contact, both verbally and physically, than I know that I need. I allowed him to keep me a secret from his BDSM submissive, even though I made him aware it bothered me. I didn't put my foot down and insist on the transparency that I believe is right. I was willing to accept his excuses about how busy he has gotten and give him a pass on not being able to see me. While yes, I understand that life sometimes throws us curveballs- we make time for the things that matter to us. Clearly, I should have understood that meant I didn't matter to him enough for him to make some time for me.

And from all that, I have learned how I want things to be in the future. I am no longer willing to compromise myself in such a severe way for another person. I have a wonderful and loving husband- I don't need to sell myself short on a secondary relationship. I can wait for someone who meets my needs and wants what I want and have to give, because he is out there. I don't know if it was low self esteem before or if I worried that I just wouldn't find anyone that I clicked with quite so intensely, but I think I continued to hold on long after it was rational because of those worries. I remembered how happy I was and was afraid to walk away. But I see now that even if his availability went back to the way it used to be, that the relationship would no longer meet my needs and I am no longer willing to compromise when it affects my happiness so much.

I hope that one day I will be able to look back and cherish the wonderful memories I have of my relationship with Patrick and all that I learned from him without the pain. But, for now, at least I can say that I know what I want and that I was lucky to have an experience that has helped me grow.