Memories

I've been reading back over my blog and my personal journals, and it's been interesting watching my journey over the past decade. I'm glad that I do keep writing, because sometimes I read a note I've written and I don't remember that specific event occurring. My long term memory isn't great in general, and when things in the past become painful I think it's often even more difficult to remember all the details.

But there are so many little moments that I don't want to forget. The first time I met Henry, after us spending weeks chatting and Skyping online, where our first kiss threw sparks- literally! The amazing rush of endorphins I felt after the first play party we attended, where I was so drunk on our scene that I couldn't think of anyone else but him. The mix of love and anxiety and pride and desire when I offered him his collar for the first time, and we buckled it on. Henry loves me so much, and shows me that every single day. I try so hard to give him the same in return. The last thing I want is for our marriage to develop complacency. We have our scheduled date nights, and we still just enjoy hanging out together at other times anyway. I not only love him, but I genuinely like him- most of the time ;)  We joke that that's as good as it gets, right? You can't like anyone all of the time!

And I remember the look on his face as I walked down the aisle and said my vows to him. I remember him alternating between joking and serious. And I remember laughing as he slipped me some tongue in front of all our family and friends!

Sometimes he drives me nuts, but I look at the people around me and how things could be, and I am so grateful to have Henry in my life. He is an amazing person in general, husband, and parent, and I feel lucky every single day. I know that the one constant in life is that everything changes, but no matter what happens in the future, I never want to forget the love and intimacy and connection that I have with Henry.

And Charles... it's been nearly 16 months now, and I still get wet when we kiss. He loves being oral just as much as I do, and our kisses are amazing together. I can feel how he feels at the moment, just like that song by Cher. I love how the passion or intensity or love or just raw burning need can come through as clearly as if he was naming it to me.

I still get those heady kicks of NRE at times when we're lying in each others' arms at night. I saw one of my Facebook statuses from over a year ago when I wrote "Golden days and silver nights," and remember that I was writing about Charles but didn't want to say publicly what I was so happy about, but that I wanted to remember it.

No matter what happens in my life... I've had love. Not all of it has lasted, and I guess that's pretty par for the course. But I'm the kind of woman who feels things just a little bigger than other people; higher highs and lower lows. And even the loves which ended have taught me something. And they have given me those wonderful moments I never want to forget.

Hmm. Reading this over sounds almost melancholy, like I think something is wrong or a bad thing is going to happen. I hope not. I'm happier now than I've ever been in my life- my love is magnified. And I've never had a second relationship quite like the one I'm having now with Charles. I've never had quite this much love, ever, and sometimes it gets overwhelming in a good way!

Here's to many more years of golden days and silver nights with my two wonderful men. Hope you'll raise a glass with me!