More Thoughts on Communication

There have been some interesting topics of conversation on the various forums that I haunt lately, and so I thought I'd share some of my thoughts here as well. I was asked how Henry and I communicate.

Looking back, my communication with my ex husband Mark was a disaster. We did so many things wrong. Unfortunately, I think that may be a more common thing when you meet as young as we did- we were only 17 years old when we started dating. We developed some really unhealthy patterns and were unable to figure out how to break them. Between that and life sending us in different directions (which had absolutely zero to do with hotwifing), our marriage was not going to last.

Henry and I communicate very well- in fact, it's one of our strong suits. We had to work at it because our communication patterns are so different. I used to be the kind of person who got very worked up when we argued. It would be more important for me to be right than to keep the peace. I definitely did a lot of things wrong before when I was learning how to communicate effectively.

I got lucky with Henry, because he is so good at de-escalation and focusing on the issue. We were able to find ways to work out issues by always using the team approach. Even when we are angry, we remember that our partner is hurting too and that ultimately, we want to work things out for the best of both of us. We are not enemies.

So, we have a few strategies. The first we got from the book Living M/s (an excellent book even if you don't have a D/s relationship), and it's called Porch Time. Basically, it doesn't have to be a porch, but it's a quiet place where either partner can ask to go right away to talk or vent with no recriminations. There is no defending oneself during porch time- it is always always always a safe space to vent and to listen to your partner. When both partners are calm, that's when productive discussion of an issue can happen.

We also specifically request consent before discussing a topic that could be emotional or involved. We never ambush each other or suddenly drop a topic. We say, I have an issue we need to discuss. Is now a good time? And the other person if they aren't feeling up to it will say, now isn't a good time, I am tired/distracted/whatever, can we do this on X date? And then we can discuss it when we're both mentally able to be present and proactive. It's not fair to dump a heavy issue on your partner when they can't devote time to it- either to you or to them because the odds of actually solving the problem reduce exponentially.

There is a big difference between that and walking away from an angry/upset partner. I recognize that there seem to be two camps of people; ones who get worked up during a fight and ones who need to retreat/calm down. The problem is that if you don't pay specific issue to that problem it can significantly worsen the marital bond. It was one of the worst problems I had with my ex-husband Mark. I'd get upset and he would literally walk away from me and tell me we could talk when I calmed down. That is one of the worst ways to dismiss someone's emotions out of hand and invalidate them as a human being. It's totally okay to disagree with someone's thoughts. The difference is in how you handle that. If you love and care for someone, then you can support them through difficult feelings even if you don't agree with them. Validation is the most important part of listening, and validation doesn't mean agreement. It just means you are hearing someone and care for them.

Feelings are never wrong. They're just the equivalent of emotional weather and they will pass. Actions based on feelings can be wrong. Thoughts can be wrong. Feelings are just feelings. What's important to remember is that you're a team and that you want to solve problems as a team. Your partner is not your enemy, even if they're doing something you think is wrong. You just have to figure the best way to solve things for the team. Always always always person first. Remember that this is someone you love who is upset or hurting. Person and feelings, then solving the problem.

For that matter, solving the problem might just be listening. It's always good to ask your partner what their desired outcome is. Maybe they literally just want you to listen. Maybe they have a solution in mind already that will need to be discussed. But trying to solve when someone just wants to be heard is just as bad as tuning out. It's also pretty arrogant, too. Think about it- someone is obviously been thinking about an issue enough to get upset about it, they've probably been thinking about options. If you think you can just waltz in after 5 minutes and solve it for them, you're seriously implying that they aren't smart enough to work out their own solution and that's both rude and arrogant. Immediately presenting someone with a solution is generally a poorly received option unless they're asking you for one.

So remember- First make sure both partners are ready and willing to participate in a loaded conversation. Then, respect the person, listen to their feelings, ask what they want from you, then go to potential solutions. I suspect that your next argument will go much more smoothly if both partners use these techniques.