I've been doing a lot of reading lately on Emotional Intelligence and various marriage advice books as I find it is really interesting to learn from all the different perspectives. And on that note, I do spend time reading on many relationship forums, from ones designed for newly engaged couples or honeymooners, to Fetlife, to forums on various forms of consensual or nonconsensual nonmonogamy. It's very interesting seeing the wide variety of ways that people manage their relationships, how they express their wants and needs, and even what their wants and needs actually are. I think that regardless of whether or not the concepts that I see fit into what I want in my relationships, there is always something to be learned from other perspectives, even if it's only so that we stop and think about our response and reexamine why we feel the way that we do.
If you're curious, the books I've been reading lately are Emotional Intelligence by Daniel Goleman, which I think is really a fabulous in-depth look at how our brains process emotion and how we can change our emotional responses. I've also been reading How to Be an Adult in Relationships by David Richo, which I found slightly less useful as it comes at things from a very Eastern perspective and that doesn't really resonate with me. However, I found the concepts useful and worth discussing, it was just more effort to parse the material and take what worked for me and leave the rest. The third book I've been reading is Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work by John Gottman, which I found intriguing as it opened by basically refuting standard practice in marriage counseling and shifting perspective to a new take on things. I'd also highly recommend The Polyamory Toolkit by Dan & Dawn Williams, who are great authors and they share a variety of perspectives about personal growth and emotional management that you may find useful whether your relationship is poly or not.
I like learning about new things, and I love playing with ideas, if you haven't learned that about me yet. While I'd like to think that I'm very emotionally literate and have become more so over the years since I believe that consensual nonmonogamy requires an additional level of communication in relationships. I also believe that there is always more to learn and the biggest mistake you can make is thinking that you know it all. Especially when it comes to people- we are all so different, and learning about the different perspectives people have helps me widen my frame of reference.
What sparked all this internal processing was that Charles and Henry both have very different communication styles and different ways of relating. Henry and I are very much in sync, and Charles and I are still learning each other. Sometimes it feels like we are speaking different languages! Fortunately, I think it helps that I do try to spend time drilling down and figuring out what the actual issues are that bother me, and I think I am better than average at expressing those things. I suspect that makes it easier for us to work through issues as we learn to communicate in ways that are more easily heard by our partner.
I always tell people that communication is so important, but I wonder sometimes if they and their partner both have similar ideas as to what the other person wants from them when they communicate something. Personally, when I express a feeling to my partner, I am not looking for a quick fix. In fact, I find it pretty arrogant when someone thinks they can solve my issue right off the bat, as though I don't have perspective on my own situation. Generally, what I'm looking for is validation- you don't have to agree with my thoughts or feelings, but a simple mirroring back that shows me that you've heard and understood what I've said is absolutely priceless. It says to me that even if the topic doesn't matter, that I matter to the listener.
Not everyone processes things the way Henry and I do. In one of those books I mentioned above, one of the featured couples dealt with frustration by him turning on ESPN or she would go shopping. I honestly can't understand how they can be happy together if they don't actually work out their issues, but what is important in this context is that they are both happy with how they manage issues- neither one of them is secretly (or not-so-secretly) frustrated and bitter about the lack of active resolution. So while I would be miserably unhappy in that type of arrangement, they found a way to make it work for them. This is one of the reasons why I continue to trumpet that the lack of universality is one of the best features in relationships- there is no right or wrong as long as there is informed consent. People should structure their relationships to suit the people involved and not worry about what's "normal".
So it's been interesting when Charles and I have been dealing with issues in how we communicate. His way of managing things isn't wrong; it's just different from what I am used to, and he isn't used to doing things the way that I do. I'm really glad that we have the tools to build on this because our relationship is pretty amazing and he makes me so happy- I don't want to throw out the baby with the bathwater! But communication is very important to me, so if we couldn't find a positive way to resolve things, it would likely have ended our relationship.
I also don't think he's used to dealing with someone who is as passionate as I am, in general. I joke that I live my life with the dial set to eleven; I feel my feelings in a magnified sort of way, which is beyond wonderful when things are going well and rather rough when they are not. I generally manage my emotions fairly well, and I have to admit that sharing my NRE with him has been pretty wonderful too.
So how do we handle this? We both read the books, and we're putting emphasis on remembering that our partner speaks our language with a slight foreign accent. So when we need a certain kind of response, we mention that before we get into the thought or feeling we want to share. If I'm upset about something, I ask him to restate back what I've said so that I can be sure he understands me, and then I share the thought or feeling. If he needs something from me, I recognize that he may not be able to share it right away and that I will hold space for him to find his words. Together, we can take this as an opportunity to deepen our connection simply by prioritizing it.
Poor guy has been sick this week and my life has been beyond busy with family and work stuff, so we haven't seen each other or talked beyond a few texts in the last week. I am hoping to see him for our regular date night tomorrow but it'll depend on how he's feeling- I don't really want to get sick either, let alone Henry or Kiddo. I'm looking forward to seeing him again soon, though.
I haven't gotten as much quality time with Henry either since there's been so much going on. He's got a giant work project on deadline plus he's getting snipped on Friday so that's taking up a lot of his time and energy! Isn't real life fun? Who would have thought that with two lovely men in my life that I'd still be missing sex and cuddles right now?
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