Finding Love

It's amazing how much word selection can skew our perspectives. I guess it's why marketing people get paid the big bucks to help make us think that we need to buy things!

We always hear people talk about "finding love". When you think about it logically, it doesn't really make any sense, does it? Love is not hiding under a rock somewhere. Love is not the coins you find behind couch cushions or a lost puppy that has wandered away.

Thinking about it as "finding" love takes away our agency. It means that we are less likely to put the effort in when the chips are down because we think that love should be there all on its own, like magic. It means we think love is something that passively happens to us, and if we just keep waiting that it will appear on its own.

Love doesn't just happen. Infatuation happens. Lust happens. But not love; love has to be built by the people involved.

Love is an emotion, but it's also an action. The feelings of love and being in love will drift in and out like the tides. Sometimes they will be stronger, sometimes they will recede.

People say that love shouldn't be hard work, and in a lot of ways, they are right. If you are constantly struggling in your relationship, and it brings you more tears than happiness, then it's probably not the right relationship for you. But if you think that love doesn't take work at all, then you're going to wind up walking away from relationships that could be wonderful. It's finding that balance that matters.

So what do I mean when I talk about building love? Find a partner who is willing to build it with you. Someone who listens to you when you talk about your hopes and dreams, your wants and needs. Someone who shares back with you to develop that emotional intimacy. A partner who shows you that you are a priority, not an option. Someone who is there meeting you halfway to work as a team together.

I've shared this comic before, but I still feel that it captures the difference between NRE and love. Love is so much more than just an emotion- it's a choice that you make every day.

Lately, I've just found myself so overwhelmed with feelings of love for Henry. I feel so lucky yo have him in my life, and I feel like I appreciate him a little bit more every single day. Not only is he a wonderful father, but he's a fabulous partner in life, my best friend, and pretty awesome in the sack, too. Every day, he chooses to build love with me. And every day, I tell him that sharing this journey with him is the best decision I've ever made.