Thursday, 14 November 2013

My Thoughts on Polyamory

Over the past nearly two years of opening our marriage, I've seen a lot of my thoughts and beliefs change. It's funny, because you think you know yourself, but then you realize that perhaps you don't. I would love to hear from my readers for this post- please feel free to share your thoughts on what I've written, or your own beliefs on polyamory or polysexuality.

When I look back at my thoughts and desires when I was a teenager, I can trace back ideas that make me see I was probably open to the idea of polysexuality even then. But the one thing I could never imagine is that I would ever share my heart with more than one person. That aspect of my life was very black and white to me- I was certain that this was the way it was. Maybe a little fun and games, but loving only one man. Back then, anytime I became romantically interested in someone new, I lost interest in whomever I was dating at the time. I believed that I was just wired to be monoamorous.

In fact, my beliefs were so clearly defined in my mind, that I had trouble seeing things from other perspectives. It's a little embarrassing to look back and see how naive I was at the time. I'd hear about someone cheating and simply couldn't fathom it; if you didn't love someone anymore, why not just call it quits and then find someone that you do love? And of course, you couldn't love your partner and then go have an affair with someone else- that just wasn't possible.

I had a few interesting experiences while I was a teenager that made these beliefs more concrete in my mind. While I was dating my first serious boyfriend, I met someone new while on vacation. My relationship had been rocky, and I was instantly attracted to the new guy, in more than just a sexual sense. I did wind up having a fling with him that week, and never regretted it despite cheating on my boyfriend. When I examined the situation in my head, I realized I didn't love that boyfriend anymore, and that's why I didn't feel all that guilty about it. Yes, I know that was a rationalization, but I was 17 years old, and I'll be the first to admit that I didn't always make great decisions!

I met Mark seven months after that boyfriend and I broke up, and he and I also had that instant chemistry together. It's tough to describe, actually- there have been very few people in my life who I felt that they were there for a reason, but every time it's become something very meaningful to me. But, I digress! Mark and I had been dating for about a year, and we were living together at that point, when I found myself in a very similar situation as I did with my first serious BF. I was away from home, where no one knew me, and no one would ever know if I had sex with the smoking hot guy who made it clear he was very attracted to me. And oh, did I want to! My pussy was just dripping and tingles were running through my body while we flirted and casually touched. But I pictured Mark's face... and I made the decision to go back to my room alone. That was what really made me believe that I was in love with Mark, and that he was the right man for me. I didn't want anyone else.

If you've read my early blog posts, you'll know that my thoughts continued to evolve as Mark and I stayed together. I wrote erotica as a hobby, so he knew about all my "hidden" fantasies and desires. When the opportunity arose, to make a long story short, we jumped in, and added polysexuality to our relationship. Now, that was very clearly defined at the beginning; this was to be sex only- casual fun, with no strings attached.

Exploring my sexuality was so much fun! It was really exciting to go and flirt with strange men, knowing that if I wanted to fuck them, that I could. I really enjoyed the game, and it made me more confident, happier, and certainly broadened my sexual repertoire! I thought that this was perfect, that things couldn't possibly get any better than they were right then.

And then, they did. I fell in love with another man. I tried for a long time to deny that it had happened, that it was just amazing sexual chemistry, or new relationship energy, or something like that. But eventually I had to admit it to myself, even if I couldn't say it. And the craziest thing of all was that I noticed myself falling passionately in love with Mark all over again at the same time. Far from losing interest in him, our marriage became the strongest and most loving it had ever been. It was amazing- we had all the passion and desire and romance of a new relationship, but all the comfort and security and trust of an established marriage. That was the most wonderful feeling I've ever experienced, and Mark told me he'd never seen me as happy as I was that summer. I learned that falling in love with someone new didn't have to mean the end of the world; it just meant that I was going to explore my beliefs a little more.

The whole situation really took me by surprise, since I still instinctively rejected that poly label. Aren't people who are poly just not with the right person? It must mean they are selfish or not truly in love, or else they'd be satisfied with what they've already got, right? It's interesting to hold beliefs like that and then find yourself in that situation and see that they don't apply to you!

I was learning that this is also something that is part of me. It was like finding the last piece of a puzzle that I didn't even know I was missing. Having sex with other people is great, and I've really enjoyed exploring the physical aspects of my sexuality. I love experimenting and trying new things and hell, new cock is fun too! But this was meeting a deeper need for me. I always knew that I craved intimate connections with people, and I had some very close friendships, but I didn't realize how much happiness it would bring me to love more than one person. It makes me feel whole. I'm a better wife and a happier person when I'm in more than one romantic relationship. And it's not that Mark doesn't give me what I need, because he does. Our marriage is the rock that shows me that I am always supported and loved and accepted, and I can't help but love him all the more for that. Just like that moment so many years ago, I still don't want to be married to anyone else.

Life is good. I still like to enjoy the occasional new partner, or a FWB where there's no emotional attachment, but I find myself far more satisfied after an encounter with someone I have an emotional attachment with. I'm poly, and while I'm still learning what that means to me, I accept that side of myself. I don't know how I will continue to change on my journey, but I've really been enjoying the places that I've been so far.

1 comment:

  1. In my journey I :have uncounted some of the same experiences. But my marriage is not o poo en. It was funny when my husband told people we had never been happier,, nor had I. But he never knew why. I have changed so much. But I think my deep most thoughts are the same, I am just learning about me, and how I will express me. Also when I am with others I expand my world view as I experience being with them. . Thank