Wednesday, 25 February 2015

Deep Breaths

The last couple of weeks have been pretty stressful. Like there hasn't been enough so far! Honestly, while I never would wish that someone I love is in a bad situation, it got my mind off my situation for a while, and I think that helped me feel more normal. I'm still having good days and bad days. But, it's not all about me, thank goodness!

I got a text at 3am on Tuesday that Henry was in the hospital. I was really worried about him as he went in an ambulance and they had admitted him. Without giving out too many personal details, it was a very scary situation. Being alone in the hospital is awful and I wanted to be with him, but I didn't have anyone to watch kiddo. So I spent the next three days commuting during school hours to Henry's city so I could be there for him while he was in the hospital as much as possible. It wasn't easy and I was exhausted by the time I got home, but it felt good to show him that he matters to me. And I like taking care of people that I love, so as tiring as it was, it was good for me, too. I believe that's what you do for people you care about.

It wound up creating some poly stress for me, though. I was supposed to spend this past weekend with Jennifer. She had wanted to take me to meet her close friends on Friday night and since our last two dates had gotten cancelled because of weather and her job, I really didn't want to cancel something so important. I apologized to her but I wound up compromising. I did go to the dinner party with her friends but went back to Henry's city after that instead of spending the weekend with her like we'd planned, I went back to Henry's city since he was due to be discharged on Saturday and I didn't want him to be alone since he was still feeling pretty awful.

The dinner party was a lot of fun, though, and I think more so because I needed a break and some destress time. It was really good to be social with her friends, and it was OK for them to know we are dating and for us to be flirty together. We even wound up having a discussion about kink! Jennifer made a joke about how awesome it was that I was corrupting them, but honestly it was fun not only to be a little shocking (pun intended) but to correct some of their misunderstandings about BDSM. We also had some interesting discussions about polyamory since her friends are mostly all poly. Either way, it was a really enjoyable party and the time just flew by. And it was so nice to get to spend some time with Jennifer. Even though we couldn't play or get naked together, just being with her and kissing her and flirting made me feel so good.

After the party, she drove me back to Henry's city. What a sweetie. This is one of the places where poly just fills me with so much happiness. She knew I was frazzled about Henry and instead of being upset I shortened our date weekend (although I'm sure she was disappointed, and I was too), she wanted to help me go be there for him. She really is such a wonderful person. I am so lucky to have her in my life.

The rest of the weekend with Henry was just pretty low key. Lots of cuddles and naps and just spending time together. I just wanted to make things as easy for him as possible. This was actually by far the longest period of time we've gone without having sex. I don't think we'd ever gone more than 24 hours while we were together without having sex or some sort of play but I knew he wasn't up to it and it was still good just to be with him. Sometimes I still have trouble thinking straight when we're in bed together, naked, holding each other. It just feels so good that I can't think about anything else... all I can think about is being in the moment and how I love him and it feels so right.

I occasionally get a twinge because I know that just because it feels good doesn't mean anything really. I mean, I remember all the wonderful moments in my marriage. Lately they've really been flooding my memory and it's been hard because I really miss the way it was. We used to have a code to say I love you in public if we didn't want to be all mushy. There were just so many good times. I still don't understand how he could walk away from all of it. I miss the person that he was... but he isn't the same any more, and that is so hard to accept. But, it is what it is. Some days it just hurts more than others. It didn't help that I had pretty horrible but realistic nightmares all night yesterday and woke up a mess. My counselor told me that it's okay to pick the daisies sometimes, though. She says I need to take care of myself and to remember that it's okay for me to find happiness. So I try and let myself relax and enjoy the moments.

I got into a pretty scary situation on the highway a few nights ago with a friend, which also didn't help my stress levels. We hit some black ice that was hidden under a layer of snow and started fishtailing all over the road because the tires couldn't get a grip. I really thought that we were going to die. We came so close to the guardrail on my side that I could have reached out my window and touched it. We swerved back, avoided another car, and nearly hit the guardrail on the other side. By the time my friend got control of the car again, we were facing the wrong way on the highway. It was probably the scariest situation I have ever been in, my entire life. I didn't even really have time to think except that I really thought I was going to die and I pictured kiddo in my mind. We were so lucky that no one was hurt!

So things have been a little crazy lately. I really just need some downtime to relax, with no stress. It'd be nice if winter went away, too. I need to win Powerball so that I can take off and lay on a beach for a while with a fruity frozen drink with a little umbrella!

1 comment:

  1. It's good to see that you're hanging in there. Things will get better.