Today would have been my tenth wedding anniversary with Mark. I noticed that I wasn't feeling like myself and I had to constantly try to reframe my thoughts, knowing that I wasn't in a balanced frame of mind and that I was taking everything negatively. Instead, I tried to keep myself busy. When I got home from my weekend away, I decided to clean out MY bedroom, and make it more my own. Things had gotten cluttered and while I admit I'm not all that sure about things like feng shui, certainly living in a giant mess wasn't making me happy. I'm feeling a lot better with things tidied and cleaned, at least. I'd like to do some actual redecorating, but for the moment it's not in the budget. It's fun to think about what changes I'd make, though. The walls are a greenish gray, and I'd like them to be a bit more feminine. Maybe a peach or a cream or a dark rose with white accents. I think a new bedding set would be a nice change, too; what I currently have is all blues and browns and I want a lighter palette. And definitely a set of mirrored closet doors. Did I mention my closet is opposite my bed so I'd get a lovely show when I'm having sex or playing with my pussy?
At any rate, I think I am done writing about my relationship with Mark here. I keep this blog so that I can remember the positive moments in my life, not to rehash the ones that depress me. I'm not finding the writing cathartic. And frankly, my counselor reminds me that I don't have to give him space in my head rent free. I'd rather focus on the things and people that make me happy so I'm going to stick to that.
This weekend didn't go quite as planned, but it was still fun. Sometimes it's interesting to examine how my reactions have changed and I wonder, is it me changing or is it the person I'm with?
I went to Henry's city on Friday afternoon, and we spent the evening out doing one of his hobbies. It was fun. I got to watch him enjoying himself and I had an interesting conversation with a much older gentleman. Then we went for a walk and a late dinner before going back to his house to watch some old sitcoms on Netflix.
Saturday we had a BDSM party that I was looking forward to! Unfortunately Henry still wasn't feeling well enough to play, but at least he was able to go. We had cancelled last weekend since he needed to rest. Even without playing, it was nice to get all dressed up and do my hair and makeup and go socialize with friends. Plus, it was still hot to watch everyone else and listen to all the moans and screams and laughs! I missed playing; I don't think I've gone to a party without playing since the very first one I had been to. I know Henry was disappointed too. But when we got back to his place we more than made up for it. We split a bottle of wine and had some really amazing sex. Lots of gentle, teasing touch to keep us both in the mood while we relaxed and talked and drank the wine. I could smell my pussy dripping while I toyed with his nipple rings. Finally the bottle was gone, and I was getting impatient. It was one of those nights where my body was so sensitive that the lightest touch on my clit had me moaning. Everything felt so amazing... he used his hands and brought me to many very satisfying orgasms while I squirted all over his bed. Whoops, forgot the towels. But I don't think either of us cared. I climbed onto his cock and nearly came again at the feel of that first push inside my pussy. I know I've written about it before, but it's always one of my favourite moments in sex. He played with my nipples while I rode him, and it wasn't long before I could hear his breathing changing and he grabbed my hips and told me he was going to cum. Later that night, being wrapped up securely in his arms and feeling his heart beat next to mine made it easy to drift off to sleep.
Today didn't go quite like we'd planned. We were going to go out and spend some time with his friends, but he got a call early in the morning that he'd have to go in to work. He thought it would only be an hour or so, and told me he'd call me and let me know when he'd be home so we could go have lunch with his friends before I had to leave. I was surprised when the next thing I saw when I looked at the clock and it was 12:30! So, that brings me back to expectations and reactions. I was disappointed, since I knew we wouldn't have time to go see his friends before I had to leave, and normally that would have made me cranky because I could have assumed he got lost in what he was doing and forgot to come back. I texted him and he told me that he got stuck and he'd be back as soon as he could. Which ended up being more than an hour later. But he was so apologetic and disappointed that I couldn't help but tell him that I was disappointed too but it was okay. He said that he wished things didn't come up when I was there, and then he took me out for lunch before I had to leave.
And really, now that I'm thinking about it... it was his attitude that made it easy for me. I was worried that I didn't matter, and even though he couldn't be, he still showed me that I was important and he wanted to be with me. He's really a good guy, and I'm lucky to have him in my life. Now if only we didn't have this darn distance to deal with!
I'm not really sure what I'm going to do when I decide I'm ready to start looking for a primary partner again. And I know that's a problem for the future and I shouldn't even be thinking about it, but it's hard not to sometimes. I like living with a partner. I like sleeping with someone and cooking them a nice meal and having someone to hang out with in the evenings. I'm going to want a serious primary relationship again when my life settles down and my heart heals. I know that right now I'm hurting and vulnerable and I'm not ready to start dating again. But when I meet someone else, it's going to take time away from my relationships with Henry and Jennifer, and they're important to me. It's not going to be like it was with an established live in marriage where Mark got almost every night with me when he was home, so I could take time to go see Henry and Jennifer. I'll have to devote time to establishing that new relationship, and it's got to come from somewhere. I'm not sure I want to loosen my connections with them. I think that no matter what happens, Jennifer and I will always be friends, but I like the whole package :) And Henry is very important to me. I mean, I bet it would be hard even for an established poly person to be coming in and dating someone who has two solid and longer standing secondary relationships. I just have to keep reminding myself to take one day at a time and not to worry about it for now. Enjoy what I've got, because what I do have is still pretty darn awesome.
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