Thursday, 19 March 2015

New Connections

I'll never make jokes again about how you find things when you're not looking for them! I've always said that was odd, because if you're looking for your keys, for example, they aren't likely to pop up while you're washing the dishes. I suppose it's more of a state of mind thing when it comes to dating, because perhaps when you drop expectations and just leave yourself open to hanging out with people and having fun that you might be more likely to make an unexpected connection. I'm not sure it really applies to me in the same way, though, since I'd generally say that I leave myself open to meeting new and interesting people.

Currently, my dating profiles are down, and even my Fetlife profile says I am only looking for friends and events right now. And much to my surprise, I've made two interesting connections lately. Both are submissive men who are looking for long term female led relationships. It actually kind of freaks me out a little bit in one way because I'm not sure I'm ready emotionally to look for a new potential primary partner, but I also recognize that people aren't dolls you can put on a shelf when you don't want to play with them. On the other hand, I have to admit that it gave my self confidence a little bit of a boost that there are men out there who want me, even now. My self esteem has taken a nosedive over the past few months, and I've also gained quite a bit of weight. So to know that people are still interested in getting to know me, that's a good thing no matter what happens.

*Reed and I only had a few conversations before he left for vacation for a couple of weeks, and he hasn't come back yet. So, we'll see if we keep chatting when he comes back. He seems like a nice person and ultimately looking for the type of relationship I want but that isn't my priority right now. I am not going to be focused on getting remarried at this point- I'm not even legally divorced yet! I just want to take care of myself and kiddo and everything else will come along when it does.

I've pretty much decided though that since I'm starting again from ground zero, I'm not interested in a vanilla primary relationship; I want to find a partner for a poly or cuckold style relationship. Some D/s would be lovely too, but I've always felt that when you're seeking a relationship, it's better to know what you need and go from there, rather than have a list that looks like it could describe one person. Even as a Dominant, I've found that all my relationships take different forms. I don't have a cookie cutter list of things I want or the way I expect things to go. While the things I need are constant, the shape of Me+Partner varies depending on what my partner is like and what they need, and I think that is healthy. I want to leave myself open to really connecting to a person, not just forcing them into a little box of requirements.

The other new person I met is *Erik, and he's a pretty intriguing man. We've been chatting just about every day and he's got a great sense of humour. The thing I found really interesting is how sexually inexperienced he is. Generally single men in their thirties have had more than a couple of sex partners and have a bit of experience under their belts; while he's not a virgin, he's not far off. And he isn't asexual and does enjoy sex. It seems like some of it comes from the submissive side and since he hasn't been pursuing Dominant women, to date, it just hasn't gone that way. Jennifer pointed out I can teach him exactly what I like and he'll be a blank slate but it added a layer of anxiety for me to potentially getting physical with him.

Erik seems like a pretty awesome guy though, and we've been enjoying the conversations. We met up for coffee yesterday (OK, so I had a caramel apple cider instead), but he actually brought me a little gift which was so sweet. From our previous conversations he knew what kind of tea I liked, and brought me a bag of looseleaf tea that the store told him was similar but a little different so I could try something new but with the expectation of enjoying it. It was so thoughtful! We had a nice chat and hung out for most of the afternoon before I had to go pick up kiddo. I'm looking forward to seeing him again.

So, I'm still taking things one day at a time and trying to keep going. Henry has some craziness going on right now with his work, so between that and his health I am not sure when we'll see each other again. I got to see him for a couple of hours on Tuesday when a friend of mine wanted to visit his city for the day, but it's never long enough. We had plans for both this weekend and next weekend, but he might have to cancel which is too bad. But, it happens, and I have enough confidence in the stability of our relationship not to feel wibbles, although I miss him.

And I miss sex! That's one thing I'll say about not currently having a partner to live with- I don't get nearly enough of that! I've given some thought about going back and doing the CL thing, but I'm not sure I want to go there right now. I guess I'll wait and see how I feel in a month or so, but I definitely want more orgasms than I've been getting. Masturbation feels good, but it's just not the same as a partner's tongue working my clit while their fingers are massaging my A spot and I'm moaning and squirting all over the bed... sigh. Now my pussy is wet just thinking about it...

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