Sunday, 3 May 2015

Role Models

One of the tough issues about living an alternative lifestyle, is that there are no road maps. If you're vanilla and monogamous, while there may be lots of bad role models, at least you have an idea of the way your relationship is supposed to progress. While I think the relationship escalator has issues of its own, since not all relationships have to fit into its order to be satisfying, at least people have a bit of security from it.

When you choose to make your own rules to define your relationship, where do you look for advice? It's all well and good to say that you have to figure out what works for you, and to a very large extent that is true. But it is nice to hear where others have gone wrong and just to see some examples of people who have healthy, long term relationships of the type you're considering. With poly, for example, the first thing you hear when your relationship implodes, is that it must have been poly that did it. Do we hear people saying when a mono marriage breaks up that it was monogamy that is at fault? It's just the default lens through which we look at all relationships. It's one big reason why I am strongly in favour of people joining their local community and making connections if they're poly or kinky, just so they have support from people who understand them, and have the opportunity to see how other people handle their relationships. You don't have to be seeking new partners to join a poly group, or to want to play in public to join a BDSM group. It's just nice to hang around like minded people.

This past week, Henry and I attended a seminar on Dominance and submission as a way of life, and it was really informative. The couple who taught it has been involved in 24/7 D/s for over sixteen years, and they were able to share some of the pitfalls that caught them up, and strategies they have used to keep their relationship healthy and happy as time passes.

I think what a lot of people don't understand is that power exchange can be part of a beautiful, healthy relationship. Just because one person gives the orders and the other obeys and provides service doesn't mean that things are unbalanced; it means that the parties involved have different needs and desires that work in a complementary fashion. The genuine love and affection between the couple as they bantered with each other was really inspiring, and I hope to have a relationship like that one day.

Henry and I are talking about writing a contract. While I did that with John, things will be different this time. Obviously, it's a different relationship, and I don't believe in having cookie cutter templates for a relationship. Different people have different needs. While I have protocols I enjoy, they have to fit. Also, I'll be seeing Henry more regularly in the future, and our relationship is more intense (I hesitate to use the word "serious" because I don't like the connotations and I don't think that just because a relationship isn't standard or on a lifetime track that it has no meaning), so we'll be able to add more detailed rules and rituals. I am looking forward to seeing what we come up with.

After the seminar, we went to a play party and had a blast. We hung out with friends, and then did a sensation play scene together. It was a lot of fun. This particular party isn't sex friendly, but the sexual energy between us was so hot we were all over each other in the audience area. While I kept the presence of mind to remember that we couldn't actually have sex of any kind, I think at times my mind was so clouded by the high of the scene and my desire for him that I forgot where I was or anything at all except the way I was feeling. It was a really awesome night :) I'm a lucky woman.

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