Tuesday 28 May 2019

Why Be Married?

I've been thinking about this topic for a while, especially since a comment on a forum about nonmonogamy brought it to the forefront of my mind. And with my anniversary with Henry just past, it felt like a good time to talk about it.

Although before I get into that- our anniversary was wonderful. We spent three days focused primarily on each other, with lots of play and love and sharing our favourite treats. Despite all the bumps in the road, I'd do it all again if it meant being with Henry. He is a wonderful partner and I truly feel like he loves and accepts and appreciates me for who I am- not who he wants me to be. And I think he sees me pretty clearly, too. And, y'know, I do like him- most of the time! It's one of our running jokes that's the best you can get in a long term relationship. I'll take it :)

So, why even be married if you are going to have sex and relationships with other people? What's the point? I've heard this from monogamous people over and over again. Or for that matter, from swingers who understand the sexual variety but not the relationships.

What is a marriage? Is it only about sex? Is it only about love? I think this is a question that we all have to answer for ourselves. What does your marriage (or in general if you're not married) mean to you?

Sex with others, or love with others, doesn't cheapen my marriage in any way. I married Henry not only because I love him, not only because I like to have sex with him- but because I want to build a life with him. He doesn't check all the boxes but who does? That's a beyond unrealistic expectation. I know I don't check all his either. But that's not the point. The point is that we want to grow old together and be life partners. We not only love each other, but we choose each other every single day. We share love and passion, tears, anger, and everything on the spectrum. He's my best friend, and I'm his.

I'm not even sure why the sexual fidelity has come to play such a large role in relationships, other than the concern in the past for men having to raise others' children unwittingly. I don't know why sex has become so strongly correlated with love in Western society, when so many other cultures have other norms about sex.

To me, marriage isn't just about a legal agreement. It's not just about who you fuck. And it's not just about children, or security, or couple's privilege. It may be about all those things, but to me it's something more. It says to me, I want to share this journey with you. I love you and accept you for who you are now, knowing that we will both grow and change over the years. It says to me, I will make sacrifices for you as you make them for me, because our relationship has intrinsic value and we want to invest in it and each other.

So I will never vow to Henry that there will be no others; quite the contrary, I have promised him there always will be. But he knows that whatever connections I build with others do not take away from what I have with him. So why did I want to marry him? Because he's become the person in this world that I can trust to always have my back (and to point out when he thinks I am wrong, to boot), to know the innermost secrets of my heart, and to support me to reach my goals.

Happy anniversary to my wonderful husband... I love you, and even though things haven't always been easy, I'd take that road again if it means it would lead me to you. Here's to many more years of happiness together.

1 comment:

  1. Thanks for your (at least for us) recently discovered blog. We are about 6 months into a poly relationship after 22 years of being monogamous and married. So glad you have found happiness with your 2 men.

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