The Illusion of Safety

I hear all the time that people think that polyamory or open relationships are so risky. That you must be a very secure person to want to participate in this relationship style. After all, what happens if your partner meets someone who is "higher value" and falls in love or lust?

First of all, I think this concept of value is so destructive to people. We all have our own intrinsic value, and other people's behaviour or treatment doesn't change that about us. We are valuable for being ourselves, and there is no one else in the world that is better at being you than you. Don't forget that! People might find partners who are better fits for them personally, but that has nothing to do with your personal value, or the value of the other person- it's just about compatibility.

When you look at it critically, monogamy seems to be the riskier choice! Why do I say that? After all, when you're monogamous, you have your partner "locked down", right? They're not dating or having sex with anyone else. But is that really how humans work? So many people cheat, and they weren't practicing ethical nonmonogamy- they're just cheating. You don't have to have an agreement to be open for your partner to have someone else catch their eye (although hopefully they will at least have the decency to talk to you about it before they violate your relationship agreements).

In polyamorous or sexually open relationships, we practice "And not Or", which means that our partners can have us, plus other people if they want to. There's no choosing, maybe this person is a better fit so that they need to break up with us. They can have both of us, as long as everyone knows and consents. So while it may feel scary, there really is less risk of "replacement". When our partner chooses to be with us, it's because they feel that we bring value to their life. They can enjoy being with us for who we are. We don't have to be the best at everything and that's okay- who we are is good enough.

So why do people feel like monogamy is safer? Because it gives them that illusion of control. They feel that they "own" their partner's time, resources, and sexuality. How many people have the default that if time isn't explicitly booked out, that it's assumed they will be spending it with their spouse? There seems to be a very strong flavour of codependency in a lot of the societal constructs about monogamy. We talk about two halves of a whole, or think of ourselves as a couple rather than two individuals who are in a relationship together (which leads to other issues when couples begin exploring ethical nonmonogamy and then see themselves as a couple plus one, rather than separate relationships. Hello, unicorn hunters!)

Ultimately, there are lots of ways to do monogamy in a healthy manner. There are many people out there who simply don't want to have multiple partners either for sex or relationships, and it's just as valid a choice as polyamory. It would be nice for polyamory or other forms of ethical nonmonogamy to be seen as valid options, too!

So when people open up their existing relationships, they feel a lot of uncertainty and insecurity, and so it makes sense that they think rules will solve that and make them feel safer. But again, it's only the illusion of safety, and most of the things people try to use as safeguards have the opposite effect and push their partners away. Rules don't actually solve anything- they just make it easier to point a finger when your partner does something "wrong". I know I've written about the difference between rules and boundaries, but it definitely bears restatement- rules are ways to control other people's behaviour. Boundaries are about yourself. Controlling someone else's behaviour will never actually make you safer. Instead, it will give you the illusion of safety while eating away at the foundation of your relationship. No one likes being treated like a child rather than an equal partner.

There is no real way to have a relationship and assume it's safe and secure. While all of us crave that security, it never will be more than an illusion, no matter what relationship style you pick. If you want to keep your relationship healthy and happy, then make sure you're investing time and emotional energy into it. Make sure you're appreciating your partner. Don't take your partner or your relationship for granted, and assume that you can backburner them while your priorities are elsewhere. If you want a relationship to last, make it a priority. The grass is greenest where you water it.