Allen visited this weekend and we had a long talk. He told me that he cares about me very much and enjoys spending time with me, but he just doesn't have the time and money to invest in a long distance relationship like we have. He's noticed over the past five months that he doesn't have the time for his family and friends anymore since he's spending most of his downtime with me, and he likes to keep a sense of balance in his life. If I were local, he'd be happy to keep seeing me, but travelling to my city is expensive and time consuming. I can understand that, but it's hard to accept under the circumstances because things were just so good between us. But, just like I learned last time with Patrick, I'm sure another man will come along.
Although whenever I'm right in the pain of a breakup, it makes me question if it's even worth trying again. Because I know that a secondary relationship is not going to be for a lifetime- I'm already married, and happily so. I look for different things in secondary relationships. So this is going to happen again and again. I'm not good at protecting my heart- when I develop trust with someone, I give myself to them as wholly as I can. I want my relationships to be open and honest and fulfilling. And especially adding the D/s component... it adds another level of intensity for me. So leaving myself open to finding what I want means leaving myself open to this pain, and right now that's hard to accept.
Even knowing that Allen and I weren't looking for the same thing- I wanted a more intense D/s relationship possibly ending with a collar- what we had was good enough that I was willing to make tradeoffs. I can understand that he wasn't. But sometimes my heart and my brain don't speak the same language.
I'm not really sure what my plans for the next little while will be, but I don't plan to throw myself back into my search right away. I've actually taken down most of my profiles and I think I'll have a bit of a break. I know one thing I won't do will be to have a lot of casual sex. It didn't work last time and it's not going to work now.
It seems like every time I have a new relationship, I learn more things about myself, and more about my beliefs on relationships in general and what I want. I think I've also learned that I have a core belief that things do happen for a reason, and I just need to do some self examination to see what I need to take away from things this time. Perhaps when the pain recedes a little.
I can't wait for Mark to come home. I need my husband. He's the other half of me and I need to be in his arms.