Sewing Bondage Straps

It's really amazing sometimes how a little bit of a perspective change can make so much of a difference in things.

Henry knows me so well. Sometimes I still think I must have been born under a lucky star to have him in my life. So many things had to work out this specific way for us to find one another. And I nearly didn't date him because he wasn't what I was looking for on paper! And he nearly didn't date me since he'd had a bad experience with a married woman before!

Well, the stars aligned and I got to marry this wonderful man. So what do I love about him? Well, I've written a lot about him before, and I don't want to repeat myself, so I'll focus on this one particular thing he does.

What do you do, when you want your partner to do something they aren't particularly interested in, or if there is a behaviour you want them to change? Twenty years ago, I would have said something that would have boiled down to, hope they notice that it matters to you, because if you have to ask them to do it then it doesn't mean anything. Ten years ago I would have said, let them know how much it matters to you because you can't expect them to read your mind and then remind them repeatedly if they don't comply. Five years ago, I would have said to tell them once or twice how much it matters to you, and then do it yourself if need be since it's obviously not a priority to them. Now? I'd probably put more effort into trying to understand why my request is such a problem that they don't want to do it, and evaluating from there but trying to understand their position.

But my sweet husband is already playing this on expert mode.

He loves bondage- the more restrictive, the better. Ideally, he'd love it if I was into the pretty artistic rope bondage as well as just for restraint purposes. He struck out here because while I occasionally enjoy restraints, I not only don't find them intrinsically arousing but I'm not interested in putting in the learning curve to do the intricate ropework.

So, what is he to do? Well, he could just give up on doing that with me. We're both poly and open, so nothing would stop him from seeking out another partner to bottom for rope/restraint with, except for the fact that he's not feeling like putting the energy into a new partner right now and it's much more difficult for a male rope bottom than for a female rope bottom anyway.

He could badger me about fulfilling his kink, and point out that he goes out of his way to say yes to me, and otherwise use scorekeeping and manipulation to try and get me to do it. This would not have a positive outcome for him. Scorekeeping in a relationship is a terrible thing to do and it destroys intimacy. We should do things for our partner that we want to do, not that we feel we have to do; that sucks all the joy out of it.

He could try to negotiate the occasional rope play with me. While he would likely get his desired result occasionally, he knows that it would be a thing I dread and would be doing solely for his benefit. In addition, if I don't put the effort into learning the ropes, so to speak, I wouldn't be at a skill level to do what he wants if it was only occasional.

None of those options really result in him getting what he wants. So what does my wonderful husband do? He goes out and buys all the materials and makes idiot-proof homemade bondage straps that will give him that restricted feel he wants but be easy for me to operate and can be put on in five minutes flat. Suddenly, it's not a bunch of time and effort into a thing that I don't want to learn or care about- it's only a couple of minutes and I can give my sweetie what he wants. Because I do love him and want him to be happy, of course.

Trying to change your partner tends not to work very well. Giving up on your desires also tends not to work very well. But if you can actually come at the problem in such a way as to deal with the reason your partner doesn't want to do the thing and then solve that? Everyone is going to be happy :)  I feel loved because he recognized and solved my issue, and proud of his creativity. He gets what he wants. It's a win-win.

So next time your partner doesn't want to do something that bothers you (not necessarily a sex thing- it could be anything), see if you can solve the actual problem rather than trying to change them. I guarantee you'll both be much happier with the outcome.