Those of you who have been reading my posts for a while probably know by now that I don't believe in any "one twue wayisms". I don't really believe there is ever one way to structure your relationship(s) that is right, or the best way. We all come from different places and have different wants and needs. And one of the best parts about wanting to live an alternative lifestyle is that there is no universality; you can craft a relationship to suit yourselves.
Now, that doesn't mean that I don't think that healthy relationships have nothing in common. It seems to be somewhat of a truism that dysfunctional relationships are all unique, while happy relationships have many commonalities. Why is that?
Because whether you're an uber religious household that prays together daily or a 24/7 Dominant/submissive household with high protocol or anything in between, if you're in a happy and healthy functioning relationship, there are some key ingredients that are going to be there.
Communication:
Members in a healthy relationship don't expect their partner(s) to read their minds. They talk about their wants and needs, and negotiate a balance so that everyone is getting treated fairly. Fair and equal are two separate concepts.
Not that I believe there should be default assumptions in a relationship anyway, but especially in an alternative lifestyle it's very important to have open and honest communication and to be forthright with your partner. There ARE no defaults because there is no universality.
Whole books have been written about good communication, so I won't try to summarize it into a few paragraphs of a blog post. But if you come here wondering, how do I get my partner to do X? Your first instinct should be to talk to them about what you are thinking and feeling in an open way where you aren't trying to manipulate them into doing it. If it's not, then you really should think about your communication skills and how they're affecting your intimacy and connection.
Respect:
This one ties back into communication. Respect that your partner is an autonomous human being with their own wants and needs. They aren't necessarily going to want the same things as you. Don't infantilize your partner; if you wouldn't want your partner to try and manipulate you into something, or say they're doing it for your own good, don't do it to them. And if you DO want your partner to do those things, you should probably spend some time thinking about personal responsibility.
Informed Consent:
This is the big one. You can live your lives in any way that suits everyone involved, as long as everyone gives informed consent. What does that mean? Tell me if you can see the difference between these two situations:
A girl is raised in a polygamous household and is taught that plural marriage is from God and that it is her biological destiny to raise children in this lifestyle.
A woman is exposed to all different types of relationships and marriages, and chooses to participate in a plural marriage as a secondary wife to raise children.
In both cases, you have effectively the same actions taking place, but one is clearly grooming and manipulation; the girl in the former case has no ability to give informed consent. She might say yes, but she doesn't know or believe that she has any other options.
The woman in the second case is over the age of 18, and has seen that there are many ways to practice relationships and marriages. She knows that she has different choices, and has chosen the one that best suits what she and her partner(s) want.
While that certainly wouldn't be the path I choose, variety is the spice of life and it's great that people have the option to live their lives however they want to. I strongly support that everyone be able to choose the path they want, regardless of whether it's palatable for me. And that's where informed consent comes in. As long as people know what they're getting into and make that choice knowing they have other options and aren't being manipulated into it, it's 100% okay.
So to bring this post back to hotwifing... I see so many men online who are not treating their wives with respect, communicating their desires, or giving informed consent.
For all of the talk that this is a woman centered kink, I only see that in a minority of relationships. It's why it's nearly always the man coming online asking how he can convince his wife to become a hotwife. It's about his fantasies, not about hers. The people involved are just porn stars in his fantasies rather than human beings with wants and needs and desires. And so much of the behaviour that destroys relationships comes from that; the fear, the control, the acceptance of deception or manipulation to get a wife into the lifestyle. And it's why when things don't go the way he's been fantasizing about, that suddenly he wants to pull the rip cord.
That's not how you do this lifestyle in a healthy way, and I am comfortable saying that absolutely without equivocation. If you have to ask strangers on the internet how to get your spouse into a sexual kink, you need to think about why your first thought isn't to just talk to your spouse about what you want. If you have to present it a certain way or try and highlight things to manipulate them into it, that's a problem. It's not clear and open communication. If you want to set your partner up with someone trying to seduce her, or get her drunk so her inhibitions will be down, you're not allowing her the right to informed consent about her actions. And if you don't recognize that even if she says yes, that she will have her own wants, needs, and desires in this lifestyle that will not always coincide with yours, and you don't acknowledge that hers are equally as valid as yours, you should reconsider whether this lifestyle is really for you.
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