Reflections

Lately, I think with the possibility that I'll be able to explore the type of D/s connection I want, I think it's caused me to wrestle with my perception of myself a little bit more. I don't date vanilla because I need the D/s. It's not a want- it's something I crave. Mark told me a couple of weeks ago that he could see how unhappy I was not having an outlet for this aspect of my personality. But what does that make me?

I am sexually aroused by giving pain to my partner. I love to cuddle and kiss and do nice things for him/her... but then I want to be able to snap my fingers and have them on their knees for me. I want to listen to their screams and moans. I want to push their limits and know it's because they want to please me. What does that make me?

Oh, I know all the easy answers. As long as it's consensual, it's okay. I don't hurt people against their will, nor do I even have interest in it. It's mostly the power- the knowing that they WILL take it for me. And yes, several of my partners enjoy receiving pain very much. I've had no trouble making peace with my sexuality, but part of me still is hanging on to my vanilla upbringing about how awful and predatorial it must be to be turned on by hurting someone.

John is a very deep masochist. He craves pain in an intimate relationship. Last night, I took a bag of bamboo clothespins and attached them to his balls, and twisted them and played with them until he was jerking and moaning. I left them on for twenty minutes before I started to remove them. His gasps were music to my ears. When we were done, I told him to see what he had done to me. His finger slid easily into my pussy, which was so wet I was dripping down my thighs. I haven't been that turned on in a long time.

We had a really lovely evening. Cuddled up on the couch, watching an old movie I'd requested he find. Lots of kissing and touching and snuggling. Holy crap, it felt good. Skin on skin is so fantastic. Of course, I missed part of the second movie when I was busy with those clothespins. For some reason, that didn't bother me ;)

It's not just the play- I can get lots of that. It's the Domination. After the movies, we went upstairs to bed and cuddled and talked about fantasies. We got very involved in talking about a forced bi scene. John is straight, but I know this is one of his secret desires- to be forced to suck a cock, to be degraded and abused and hurt while doing it. Watching him collapse into his headspace while I whispered horrible things into his ear was one of the most erotic acts I've enjoyed in a long time. Having that control over his thoughts and emotions was just so hot. And then telling him that I could set it up any time I wanted to... Oh yes :)

The NRE is definitely hot. We had a conversation about where things are going, and so far we're both happy with it. I told him that we're going to negotiate a 30 day contract, to get our expectations of each other in terms of D/s on the table, and we'll go from there. In the meantime... whether this goes anywhere or not, for now, it's just what I've been craving.