Saturday, 7 June 2014

Dashed Expectations

Well, not everything I write here can be positive, unfortunately, much as I'd like it to be. I do try to share a relatively accurate picture of my thoughts and feelings and activities here.

Unfortunately, I think a friend of mine was right and my feelings towards Greg were more about me being lonely since Mark had been gone for so long, I hadn't seen much of John lately (we actually had our first fight, which was awesome because it once again showed me more about his character and really made me respect him more!) and Greg was giving me the kind of attention that I was craving so badly that I was willing to overlook some obvious incompatibilities.

The sad thing is that he's clearly crazy about me and he's still doing all those awesome submissive things that drive me wild. He even had a gift for me when I arrived. He said that normally he doesn't do things like that and I could see he was clearly in his sub headspace when he did it because he apologized for the way the card from Amazon was addressed, and it was indeed inappropriate. He addressed it to my title as a Domme and used wording that implied he was my sub. He asked me to accept the gift in the spirit that it was intended and while I agreed with him that it wasn't appropriate, I did accept it and say thank you. He bought me a pink straight razor and some replacement blades, since he knew I had been wanting one. It was sweet... but it made me feel uncomfortable.

We had a lovely date and I enjoyed his company very much. He took me to a very nice restaurant for dinner and then we went to a baseball game. He got incredible seats and we had a great time together. He was a good conversationalist and a complete gentleman the whole time- carrying my bag to his car when I arrived, offering me his arm when we walked, and holding doors for me. I really appreciate all the little touches like that!

So it makes it all the harder for me to acknowledge that I can't see myself having a relationship with him. I knew he was relatively inexperienced sexually, but as soon as we kissed I knew it wasn't going to be quite what I wanted. And he doesn't have the skill or stamina that I need when licking pussy, and he has issues maintaining an erection to boot. I totally get that it doesn't always work, but he had warned me in advance that it might be an issue and it was. I don't think I can really be interested in a semi LD relationship that doesn't have great sex. Not only that, I am thinking there is a fetish incompatibility. I might even have overlooked the rest to have a play partner in Toronto that I can go to parties and have fun with, since I can stay at his house. But his main fetish doesn't turn me on in the slightest, and he dislikes pain so most of my favorite kinks don't work for him, either. He said that he'd be willing to try... but I don't know. That isn't really what I want, either. I want someone who is into it as much as I am- it makes the energy so much hotter.

It's my own fault for letting things get so involved before the date, but it was hard when it felt so good and I was genuinely enjoying his company. We'd hung out in person before and I was very clear to him all through this that I let things go where they go and I don't make promises that I am not sure I can keep, so he shouldn't have expectations of me, but I know he has hopes. I had to point out several times over the evening that we hadn't negotiated me giving him permission for things or setting the rules, and he said he appreciated that since he wasn't used to it, but I knew he really did want me to take control.

It makes me feel bad because the buildup to our date was really intense and we were both very much looking forward to it, and he told me that it was even better than he'd hoped, and here I am feeling so let down. I don't want to hurt his feelings. He really is an awesome guy and I'd like to still be friends with him and I'd fuck him once in a while because I don't mind fucking friends, but I don't see any way for this to become the D/s relationship he was hoping for which is really too bad. But, on the other hand, I suppose I don't have to worry about time issues anymore. Sigh.


  1. Hi there.
    I stumbled on your blog a couple of days ago, just finished it all. I feel like I know so much about you! Although I'm not in the lifestyle, nor have I ever been, something about reading it all makes me want to try some things with the Mrs.
    Wish you the best, don't take too long to update us.

    P.S: it's been a beautiful read, you're a good writer and such a turn on. Maybe some day we'll do something, and I hope I run into someone as naughty as you :)

    1. @Curio- thank you for the kind words! I hope you keep reading, and all the best if you and your wife do try some fun!