Survival

I've been having a really hard time coping lately. Some days have been worse than others, but it just seems like the nights are when it becomes the hardest to handle. And it's not that I'm not used to being alone, since Mark was on the road so much. But now it seems like the loneliness is overwhelming. Mark and I met when I was 18 and he was 19- we spent our entire adult lives together. Sometimes it's hard to imagine what I'm like without him. And between that and the stress of having my life in upheaval and trying to figure out what will happen next, and just trying to hold on, I'm not managing very well. My counselor tells me that it's going to hurt for a long time, and that's okay. I'm allowed to feel hurt and angry and sad. I'm allowed to be scared. I'm allowed to take care of myself and put my needs second only to kiddo's, no one else's.

None of you know me. You don't know who I am or how I'm feeling, nor do you know what my life is like aside from those snippets that I immortalize here to look back on. There are many things I have chosen not to share, because they're personal, they're no one's business, and frankly, because those aren't moments in my life that I want to remember. I want to remember feeling loved. I want to remember the golden times that made me smile. There are many other memories I wish I could just erase. But that isn't the way the world works.

I honestly don't know how mono people manage during a divorce. All the hurt and pain, the invalidation, the lack of respect- where do you go to get built up again? Friends can only do so much if you are afraid that no one will ever love you again. If I didn't have Jennifer and Henry there for me, I don't know how I'd be surviving right now. I am so, so lucky to have such amazing people like them in my life.

I'm not the kind of person who does well asking for help. I've always been the person that other people come to. I'm the caretaker, the listener. I'm not used to being the one who is flailing around and needs support. It's been really difficult for me to admit that I can't get through this alone and that I need to reach out for help. It was hard to fight my own worries about pushing people I love away because I am asking. I like to be the one who gives, who makes people happy, and right now I can't do any of those things.

I'd noticed I had been keeping Jennifer more at arms' length lately, not because she isn't important to me, but because we have such great communication but sometimes it can just be exhausting and I couldn't talk about it anymore. I just wanted to forget for a little while that my life is upside down and relax or fuck or play. But I've been doing her a disservice and I'm glad that I let her back in. We still talk every day but I hadn't seen her in a couple of weeks. Last time she was here, she brought over all kinds of junk food and wine and we watched chick flicks and cuddled up on the couch. Which was exactly what I needed at the time- just to indulge myself and maybe get some endorphins from the sugar. I haven't been taking very good care of myself lately though. I'm not sleeping and while kiddo is well cared for, I'm not eating either. Tonight she brought over chicken and pasta and salad, so we could actually have a real meal. It was the first meal I've had in ages that didn't come out of a box or from a fast food place. She really took care of me, and that means a lot. She's a fantastic person.

And yup, we had sex, and damn was it good. We both really needed that intimate physical connection, since I think it had been more than a month. I love watching her face when she cums, and feeling her pussy clench around my fingers. I love teasing her and watching her squirm. It's all pretty damn good.

Tonight, I'm feeling a little better. It's just so good to know that someone cares about you like that. She's there for me when I have a meltdown and need to have a good cry, and she's there for me when there's no thought, just kisses and passion.

I know that right now, feeling good is temporary, and more days will be difficult. But I also know that time is the great equalizer and this too shall pass. One of my friends reminded me that the darkest hour has only sixty minutes. Unfortunately, I think my current perception of time may be a bit skewed. But my counselor reminded me to focus on the things in my life that are good. To write myself affirmations about the people and things that matter to me. Little positive things to help me get through that hour. And I deserve to have those happy moments. Just because it's raining doesn't mean I can't dance barefoot on the lawn.

Symbols

There was a BDSM party in Henry's city this past weekend, and my parents were asking if they could spend some time with kiddo, so it happened to be good timing :) This was one of my favourite parties- lots of seating so you can watch other people playing, snacks and drinks available, and just plain awesome people. I always enjoy this one and apparently I'm not the only one since it sells out almost immediately after it gets posted!

This one also had some significance to me. I had been thinking for a while of giving Henry some kind of tangible symbol of our relationship. In the BDSM world, collars mean different things to different people. Some people believe they are like wedding rings, but obviously (at that time) that wasn't even something that occurred to me since I was already married. Some people put them on anytime they're dating someone new and kinky. Some people just plain like how they look and wear them as accessories. I love the lack of universality in the kink world, because things can be whatever you want them to be. Of course, in this case, I had to think about what it meant to me, and that isn't always easy to articulate.

I came to the conclusion that a collar means commitment to me, but again, defining that isn't easy. It doesn't mean that I want to get married, nor does it mean I want or expect an exclusive relationship. But I also don't want a collar to be a casual thing either. The best way I could describe how I was feeling was that it meant that I wanted Henry in my life, that I love him, and that I'm committed to what we have together. It's only been five months, but the connection between us is deep and solid. It's built on a foundation of trust and mutual respect and friendship. And when we're holding each other in bed, it just feels so right. And sometimes I think I measure the importance of time poorly. I mean, the average adult relationship from dating to engagement is about a year. And I can feel that we have something together that I haven't had with any of my other D/s relationships before.

I had originally planned to surprise him with it, but given all the upheaval in my life, I decided that wasn't the best way to handle it. I didn't want Henry to think that with Mark leaving, I was just trying to fill a hole. I didn't want him to think that my relationship with him was automatically now on the primary track, or that my motivation in giving it to him was anything else other than with the way I feel about him personally. I wanted him to feel comfortable declining if it wasn't what he was looking for. So when he came to stay with me after Mark left to give me support, I told him that I had already ordered one because our relationship means a lot to me, but I could understand if it made him feel uncomfortable because of the divorce. He just cuddled me close and told me no, it didn't make him feel uncomfortable. That gave me such a warm feeling to know that he was still going to be there for me. That our relationship is important to him, too. I really needed that.

He didn't know what it looked like or when, though. I designed a collar with a skilled leatherworker in a style I thought was flattering to him, but when I showed it to my friends they all smiled and said it was very much me :) That's important, too. I wanted it to reflect our relationship and not just be an off the rack accessory. It might just be a piece of leather, but one could say a wedding ring is just a piece of metal. I wanted it to be special.

We were cuddled up in bed just thinking of getting ready to go to the party, and I asked him what he was considering wearing. He asked me what I'd like, and then I handed him a box wrapped in pink tissue paper and told him that I'd like him to wear this for me. When he opened it, the smile on his face made me feel so good. I locked it around his neck and it made me feel so close to him. I had told him that I'd never given anyone else a collar before, that I'd never wanted to. Seeing him with it on, such a visible symbol of our relationship, made me so happy.

The party was wonderful. We were both on cloud nine for the whole evening. Friends noticed the collar and commented on it, and one mentioned to me that she could see how much he obviously adores me. I was so proud to have him wearing that symbol around people who understand at least generally what it means. I needed an intense play session, and I chained him to a St Andrew's cross and worked him over hard with my violet wand until thin red lines crisscrossed his body. Watching him squirm and moan and beg made my panties so wet that I couldn't wait to get back to his place after the party so that we could fuck.

I can never think straight after a party with him with a good play session. The energy between us is so intense that it just consumes rational thought. We were out of our clothes in seconds, kissing passionately while I was riding his hard cock. I was so wet that his cock slid inside me easily and felt so good. It wasn't long before I was cumming hard while he played with my clit. It was so good... so intimate and connected but I needed more. I wanted to get to that place where I orgasm so much that I can't think, but only enjoy the wonderful sensations coursing through my body. I climbed off and asked him to fist me. He smiled and lubed up his hand, and oh it felt SO amazing when my pussy swallowed his fist! Fortunately he'd remembered to put down a towel because when he started to rub my A spot and use his other fingers on my clit, I squirted all over the bed. I couldn't stop moaning and orgasming over and over because it was so good I didn't want him to stop. When I finally needed to tap out, we cuddled for a few minutes so I could come down from my post orgasmic haze, before I grabbed my Realdoe and harness and gave him what I knew he was waiting for. We've been doing ass play frequently because I know how much he enjoys it, but it had been a while since I gave him a good hard fuck and we both missed it. Much as he wanted to draw it out, he was too excited and came almost immediately when the head of my cock started rubbing against his prostate.

What a weekend. Such an intense emotional high, followed by a great play session and amazing (and messy!) sex. Falling asleep cuddled naked in each other's arms. He had sent me an article a few days ago about how couples who sleep naked and cuddled up are healthier and happier than those who don't. It's funny, but I never did with Mark; he never really was the cuddly type. For that matter, John had wanted to sleep with me like that and I just found it annoying and never wanted to with him. With Henry, if when we're in bed together I wake up his arms aren't around me, I miss it. Sometimes, things are just right. Can't wait to see him again.

New Year, New Beginnings

It's been a hard month, but I know I am so lucky to have some amazing people in my life. When Mark decided to leave, I felt blindsided and kind of fell to pieces. Jennifer has been wonderful about being there for me whenever I want to talk, and Henry took time off work and stayed with me for two weeks while kiddo went to stay with my family so I could have some time to deal with the shock. I had a friend ask me the other day, how do you know if someone loves you? They show you. He was there for me when I needed him, for whatever I needed. It meant a lot to me. I have no expectations about my relationship with Henry having to "go somewhere", because I don't necessarily believe in the relationship escalator, but I can tell you that it's meaningful to me, and that I plan to enjoy it for what it is as long as that works for both of us. And I know I am important to him, too, since he took off a week of work with no notice to be there for me. Also, I'm not sure if I wrote about the chain I gave him a couple of months ago. It's a small circle made of black and gold resin with a symbol for a male submissive, on a box link chain. He hasn't taken it off since the day I gave it to him.

So I'm still behind on my writing, but I think I have a pretty good excuse! I've been having some bad days, but chocolate cures all, right? Well, at least it's a help along the way to waiting for time to heal things. Speaking of which... friends bring chocolate, but amazing girlfriends bring donuts, cookies, and apple crumble, and then share them with you :) Jennifer is pretty fantastic. Not that I eat like that all the time, but a sugar binge or two has definitely been merited a few times lately.

I haven't been able to spend New Year's with friends for years. Mark has always been away for work, and before kiddo was born I'd go with him sometimes but then it was a work party we'd go to and it wasn't really all that fun. Since we had kiddo, I've been visiting family while Mark was away. This year, my mom offered to babysit and told me to go out and have some fun. So I went to see Henry, and we decided to keep things low key but still had fun. His city had a big celebration in the park, with balloon hats for the kids, fireworks, and a live band in front of a skating rink. We had fun, but it was crazy cold so we left around 10pm and we went back to his place to watch the ball drop in Times Square with a couple of bottles of Veuve Cliquot.

So it wasn't a fancy dress up party with lots of excitement. I got to spend the last night of the year with someone I love who I know loves me. And the thought crossed my mind again that there was nowhere I'd rather be but in that moment with him. I am so lucky that I have his support to help me get through this. I don't know how I'd make it alone. It's just so good to have it affirmed that yes, I am worth loving. That I am attractive and sexy. That I am fun and people do want to spend time with me. That I am accepted and wanted for exactly who I am. That I have value as a human being. After everything with Mark, I needed that so badly.

We started off 2015 with one of my favourite things; a wine and cheese picnic. Although unlike the one we had on the lake in October, we picnicked on his bed to stay warm! Two bottles of one of my favourite chardonnays, foccacia bread, coconut brie, smoked gouda, monterey jack, and dill havarti along with soppressata salami, smoked sausage, and black forest ham. It was a decadent way to ring in the new year together. Oh, and some really good German chocolate :)

2014 may have come to an end that I wasn't expecting, and right now it's not easy. I'm trying to take things one day at a time while I figure out where my life is going. But I am going to be able to pick myself up, and make sure I spend time in 2015 surrounding myself with people who care about me and pursuing things that make me happy, along with raising my amazing child. One door may have closed, but life is still full of possibilities.

Changes

So I've been alluding to some upcoming changes, and the most perceptive of my readers may have noticed that I didn't mention Mark in my 2014 recap post.

Basically, you all know Mark is on the road about half the time anyway. When he's gone, he gets to live the high life- fancy hotels, five star restaurants, and no responsibilities once the workday is over beyond having a beer with his coworkers and relaxing and having fun. When he comes home, he said it was like getting hit by a 2x4. He doesn't want responsibility. He doesn't want a little boy asking him to play. He wants to be the big man who can go out and pick up a random woman at a coffee shop and take her home without having to deal with a wife and son at home. Hell, I even suggested that he just get a hotel room when he picks someone up so he can get his needs met, but it wasn't good enough- apparently he thinks it's too hard to pick up random women when he's married. He doesn't want to explain poly, and he's polysexual and not polyamorous anyway- he doesn't want relationships, he wants sex. Relationships are too much work, he says, and he has plenty of friends. So if he can't fuck them, he's not interested.

Our son is too much work for him. He says it was all a mistake, and he just wants to go back to his fun life and forget that he was ever a husband or father. I could forgive him for walking out on me even though I don't really understand it since he could have pretty much everything he wants and still live here, and we'd have a comfortable lifestyle instead of money being tight for both of us, but I could never forgive him for saying he regrets having our son.

I'm not really sure what happened, because this definitely isn't the man I married. The one who told me that kiddo was the best thing that ever happened to him. The one who told me he'd love me forever. The one who told me that my happiness made him happy. This new version has become a lot more self absorbed and hedonistic, and doesn't seem to care about anyone but himself. We've been together for almost 14 years.

So, we're going to be getting a divorce. I keep kiddo, and he rides off into the sunset. I can't imagine leaving your child, not for anything. We want and need different things to be happy, and he no longer wants an active parenting role. And that I can't really understand, since kiddo is the most important thing in the world to me, but it is what it is.

I really have never lived on my own as an adult, and I have a feeling it's going to be a big adjustment. I like cooking a nice meal for a partner, or cuddling up to watch a movie together, or even just having someone to bounce your thoughts off of. Not to mention that it's nice to be able to share childcare and chores.

I'm not sure how long it's actually going to take to get a divorce, and we're still in the process of sorting out all the legal niceties. But, either way, at some point soon I will no longer be a hotwife. That doesn't mean I won't write about my relationships and my BDSM activities here, though. I plan to keep this blog going. Jennifer and Henry both know what's going on, and they've been here giving me support. I am really lucky to have two such wonderful people in my life.

I am not sure yet how my life will change, but I'm going to take it one day at a time. Deep breaths.

2014 Recap

It's been a pretty fantastic year, and I've learned a lot about myself. It's been interesting to see my wants and needs and desires evolve. While I've done some experimenting with women in the past, Jennifer is my first real girlfriend and it's hard to believe that she and I have been together for six months now. I haven't seen her in a few weeks because of the holidays, but we're looking forward to getting together again soon. I introduced her to some of my friends, who were friendly and accepting of her, and that was pretty awesome. Jennifer is now my longest standing poly relationship and I feel like what we have is really emotionally close and solid, and we can still enjoy it and each other with no expectations.

And of course, I've got my wonderful relationship with Henry. I haven't really experienced anything like this in a long time, and I can see how much I've missed it. We have a pretty fantastic connection that is only enhanced by the D/s and the BDSM energy that we share. It just reminds me of yet another reason that I'm glad I've gotten off the relationship escalator; I don't have to worry where things are going, but I can just enjoy it for what it is. It also leaves me opening up my mind and my heart to people who are so different from me, with different likes and dislikes and experiences, which helps me grow as a person and experience new things. For example, I'm definitely not the kind of woman who you'd imagine in a workshop building things, but when Henry invited me to make things with him and I could see how much he wanted to share that side of himself with me, it just became another way for us to connect. And it was pretty awesome to explore something new and see how much he enjoys himself with it.

There have also been a lot of great BDSM workshops offered in 2014, and I had the opportunity to learn to practice new skills and continue developing my favourites. It's fantastic to have such a diverse sexual menu and to know that I can experiment safely. I'm looking forward to learning how to practice more activities in 2015, and hopefully getting some more opportunities to teach and demo the stuff that I'm good at.

I've been trying to live my life in a way that is open, honest, and authentic to me. I've also been trying to broaden my horizons and leave myself open to new experiences, and so far that's been paying off positively in such a big way. I look at myself three years ago and I don't recognize myself. I was a stay at home mom in a rut. I felt like my sexual desires were perverted and wrong, so I kept them to myself. I wasn't interested in experimenting, and I'd sure as hell rather sleep than have sex. I could never have imagined that I'd be the woman that I am today. I feel so much more liberated; I can be myself, and want the things that I want, and not only is it okay to want those things, but there are lots of people who want to experience them with me. They validate me, both in my BDSM and sexual desires, and as a person. I feel like I've grown a lot, and I'm a happier person. I've also been able to do a lot of introspection and self examination, and I like who I am and what I bring to the table.

I haven't enjoyed everything I've tried, but I've been proud of myself for trying it. I've always found change to be scary, and prefer sticking with things that are familiar and that I know I like. By being open to new ideas and experiences, I've met some fabulous people. And at the end of the day, people are what really matter. The moments that you share together and the connections that you make.

There are a lot of changes coming in 2015, and while I'm not ready for all of them, I know it will be part of this interesting journey I've been having. I've been finding that I regret the things I don't try much more than the ones that I do and don't like. So... one day at a time, and we'll see what life brings me!

Fluidity

The next time came much sooner than we'd planned, but I'll elaborate more on that later. After the holidays my house was empty, with Mark at work and kiddo visiting relatives. It seemed like a perfect opportunity to have Henry stay with me for a few days. After all, my bed is way more comfortable :) I've had partners in the past joke that they come to visit my bed and not me! Of course, I do have to make them pay for that kind of remark!

Lots of sex and cuddles, staying up all night and sleeping in until afternoon. It was about as good as it gets! We put a dent in my Netflix list and got in a little more kink, too. Unfortunately I'd left some of my toys at Henry's house since I'd been planning to go there instead of having him here. I found myself missing my violet wand, but of course, that was just an opportunity to get back into some other kinds of play. We fooled around with the sounds some more; Henry really enjoys the sensation, especially when we combine it with some anal play as well. I suspect it feels pretty fantastic to be getting prostate stimulation from both sides!

He made a joke afterwards about needing a tag team to keep me satisfied, so it got me thinking. Henry had met Morgan at one of the recent BDSM parties, so why not invite Morgan over and see where it goes? Henry was okay with the idea. I really enjoy threesomes but found myself feeling a little possessive about sharing Henry. I decided that since I had a chance to cross a few things off my bucket list, that I'd go for it. It would be my first threesome as part of the "couple", rather than as a third or just with friends.

We had dinner together and socialized, then the three of us sat on the couch and started watching some TV. It wasn't long before Henry's arm slid around my shoulders, and then Morgan started joining our cuddles too. Then hands started to slide places and I started getting wet and squirmy. It was so fantastic having four hands roaming my body and making me feel good. I suggested we go upstairs, and we all climbed naked into my bed. Henry was kissing me and playing with my breasts while Morgan licked my pussy and it felt so good! Then Morgan started to suck Henry's cock while we continued making out and I played with his nipple rings. Did I ever mention how sexy I find those nipple rings? I love tugging on them, whether it's fingers or my teeth. I love the way they look and feel and the extra sensations I can give him when I chill them or shock them. But back to the action ;) At one point when Morgan started working Henry's balls, I sucked his cock so he could enjoy a double blowjob. It was fun listening to him moan and shiver.

I asked Morgan how I could make her happy, but she said she just wanted to keep enjoying us, and I really wanted some cock inside me! Henry and I got into a position that's kind of hard to describe. Rather like scissors? Either way, I was getting filled with cock and my clit was nicely exposed for Morgan's tongue. I had always wanted to be licked and fucked at the same time and it was SO good! I'm definitely going to want to do that again. And having a threesome where everyone would play with everyone was pretty awesome since I could feel Morgan's tongue licking down to clean my pussy juices off Henry's shaft, too. So sexy.

By then I was so worked up so I asked Henry to fist me. I don't think I've ever squirted so much! The bed was just drenched and I was moaning and cumming over and over while Morgan played with my clit. If anything else was going on, I have no idea because I was too busy flying! When I finally had to rest, we cuddled and kissed a little bit before I strapped on my Realdoe and slid it into Henry's ass while Morgan sucked his cock. It wasn't long before he exploded in Morgan's mouth and we wound up in a big cuddle pile for a little while before we went downstairs for some Turtles ice cream cake- yum! Sex and ice cream, what could be better?

Onwards and Upwards

It's been a while since I've written, but the holidays have been pretty busy. I can't believe how time flies! But I say that every year. You know you're getting older when things you look forward to seem to come up so quickly instead of dragging along!

Henry's birthday is right before Christmas. Poor guy, no one had ever really made a fuss of him. As a child, he said people tended to give him only one gift for both birthday and Christmas, and as an adult he'd never really had the time or inclination to make a fuss of himself. Birthdays have always been special to me, and I wanted to make him feel special, too. I think everyone should get spoiled for at least one day a year (but don't get me started on Hallmark holidays like Valentine's Day! :P) So I booked a hotel room in a tourist city nearby- and not just any hotel room; a Presidential suite with incredible views through the giant picture windows, a fireplace, and a huge two person Jacuzzi. It was fantastic (thank you, Priceline!). When we checked in, it wasn't long before I had him naked over my lap. Mustn't forget birthday spankings, of course! I had brought a lovely leather strap and made him count out the strokes... plus one for luck. He was so cute with a red bottom, getting dressed to go out to dinner. And of course, I gave him a little surprise to wear while we went out- a nice fat butt plug to keep him stretched for me. It was supposed to be remote controlled, and I'd tested it before I packed it, but it stopped working. Oh well- I couldn't buzz him at inopportune times, but it was still fun knowing that he was sitting there looking at the menu with that inside him!

We went to dinner at a fancy place that was just outside the touristy area, and it was really good- better than I had expected. Then we picked up a few bottles of champagne and some orange juice and decided to go back to the hotel room and get fabulously drunk. While I like the occasional drink or two, I generally don't get drunk with people unless I really trust them, because I know how it affects me :) Filter? What filter? :) I also get incredibly horny and might engage in behaviour I wouldn't sober, so I'd rather only drink heavily around people when I know it's okay to let loose! I also don't engage in BDSM play of any sort when I'm drinking, for safety reasons. Sex is fine, though!

Bottom line: mimosas in the hot tub while watching Family Guy on Netflix and then ordering horrifically overpriced room service and just kissing and playing together makes for an amazing experience. It wasn't long before we couldn't help ourselves and found ourselves dripping water from the tub all over the bed in our mutual desire to fuck. Henry is a lot of fun to get drunk with!

When we woke up in the morning, we got some breakfast and since we had a very late checkout, headed back to the room to get in some playtime. Unfortunately, the hotel bed was a bit problematic for bondage, since there were no bed legs- the boxspring was in a frame with a single solid piece. I joked that I'd have to write on the comment card that the lack of hard points in the room was really quite disappointing! We figured it out, though- running chain under the mattress wasn't as aesthetically appealing, but it certainly kept him in one place while I worked him over :) I had thrown quite a few fun toys in my suitcase, but decided just to go with my favourite and spent the rest of the morning building up intensity with my violet wand. I love electrical play. By the time I was finished with him, my pussy was dripping down my thighs and he gave me exactly what I wanted. A nice fist rubbing against my A spot and some clit play while I squirted all over the bed. It was so intense and fantastic. Then we decided to have another soak in the tub before it was time to check out. What a fabulous room we had, and an amazing time. We'll have to do that again sometime!

And the weekend wasn't over yet! The following day was a Christmas party thrown by his closest friends and family, and he invited me to come with him. It meant a lot to me that he wanted to introduce me to the people who are most important to him. We had a nice time at the party, although I didn't survive their tradition of staying up all night! Guess we shouldn't have had so much fun celebrating his birthday the night before ;) But just being there and meeting everyone was so nice, and they made me feel welcome.

We had talked about also going to a BDSM party the next day, but we were feeling pretty worn out from two days of busy, and decided instead to just have a quiet night in at home. Chinese takeout and a good movie and cuddles in bed. It's nice to be with someone who enjoys touch as much as I do.

As always, it was hard to leave the next day. But it always leads to anticipation for when I can see him again!