Wednesday, 28 January 2015


I've been having a really hard time coping lately. Some days have been worse than others, but it just seems like the nights are when it becomes the hardest to handle. And it's not that I'm not used to being alone, since Mark was on the road so much. But now it seems like the loneliness is overwhelming. Mark and I met when I was 18 and he was 19- we spent our entire adult lives together. Sometimes it's hard to imagine what I'm like without him. And between that and the stress of having my life in upheaval and trying to figure out what will happen next, and just trying to hold on, I'm not managing very well. My counselor tells me that it's going to hurt for a long time, and that's okay. I'm allowed to feel hurt and angry and sad. I'm allowed to be scared. I'm allowed to take care of myself and put my needs second only to kiddo's, no one else's.

None of you know me. You don't know who I am or how I'm feeling, nor do you know what my life is like aside from those snippets that I immortalize here to look back on. There are many things I have chosen not to share, because they're personal, they're no one's business, and frankly, because those aren't moments in my life that I want to remember. I want to remember feeling loved. I want to remember the golden times that made me smile. There are many other memories I wish I could just erase. But that isn't the way the world works.

I honestly don't know how mono people manage during a divorce. All the hurt and pain, the invalidation, the lack of respect- where do you go to get built up again? Friends can only do so much if you are afraid that no one will ever love you again. If I didn't have Jennifer and Henry there for me, I don't know how I'd be surviving right now. I am so, so lucky to have such amazing people like them in my life.

I'm not the kind of person who does well asking for help. I've always been the person that other people come to. I'm the caretaker, the listener. I'm not used to being the one who is flailing around and needs support. It's been really difficult for me to admit that I can't get through this alone and that I need to reach out for help. It was hard to fight my own worries about pushing people I love away because I am asking. I like to be the one who gives, who makes people happy, and right now I can't do any of those things.

I'd noticed I had been keeping Jennifer more at arms' length lately, not because she isn't important to me, but because we have such great communication but sometimes it can just be exhausting and I couldn't talk about it anymore. I just wanted to forget for a little while that my life is upside down and relax or fuck or play. But I've been doing her a disservice and I'm glad that I let her back in. We still talk every day but I hadn't seen her in a couple of weeks. Last time she was here, she brought over all kinds of junk food and wine and we watched chick flicks and cuddled up on the couch. Which was exactly what I needed at the time- just to indulge myself and maybe get some endorphins from the sugar. I haven't been taking very good care of myself lately though. I'm not sleeping and while kiddo is well cared for, I'm not eating either. Tonight she brought over chicken and pasta and salad, so we could actually have a real meal. It was the first meal I've had in ages that didn't come out of a box or from a fast food place. She really took care of me, and that means a lot. She's a fantastic person.

And yup, we had sex, and damn was it good. We both really needed that intimate physical connection, since I think it had been more than a month. I love watching her face when she cums, and feeling her pussy clench around my fingers. I love teasing her and watching her squirm. It's all pretty damn good.

Tonight, I'm feeling a little better. It's just so good to know that someone cares about you like that. She's there for me when I have a meltdown and need to have a good cry, and she's there for me when there's no thought, just kisses and passion.

I know that right now, feeling good is temporary, and more days will be difficult. But I also know that time is the great equalizer and this too shall pass. One of my friends reminded me that the darkest hour has only sixty minutes. Unfortunately, I think my current perception of time may be a bit skewed. But my counselor reminded me to focus on the things in my life that are good. To write myself affirmations about the people and things that matter to me. Little positive things to help me get through that hour. And I deserve to have those happy moments. Just because it's raining doesn't mean I can't dance barefoot on the lawn.


  1. What's the the thing you will miss the most about being married? Is it that u out were friends for so long?
    That companionship?
    I still miss that. But the other things I can let go of.
    Will you still be friends?
    Life will change. It will be deper, more complex, rich, and full.
    The good good things remain, and what was bad will help you understand why now is the time to move forward.
    Grief is just for a season, you are now a blank page to write on.
    Make it good.

    1. It's like part of my life is missing, now. We were together for 14 years. I mean, we became adults together, basically, since we met as teenagers. He knows all my secrets and idiosyncrasies, and I knew his, at least until he changed. I thought he was my best friend. The person I could share all my thoughts and dreams with. After reading a really good article ( it helped me put into perspective that what I'm mourning is the loss of my future. I thought I had it all planned out. I thought I knew what life would bring me, and while it wasn't exactly perfect, it was content. I was happy.

      Now, it all went up in a puff of smoke. I almost feel like the man I married is dead, because this person seems so different from the man I thought I knew. I don't know how I could have been so wrong.

      I don't like uncertainty, and I definitely don't like not being in control. Although I now have the control to shape my life any way I choose, there are a lot of things that are hanging in the wind right now, and there's nothing I can do about that.

      What I miss the most? Probably having a secure home and future for kiddo. Statistics show that children from divorced homes don't do as well and the deficits are lasting. And I think all children deserve to have two parents who love them and want to be with them, and my heart breaks to think that kiddo won't have that.

  2. Hang in there it will get better. Nice saying at the end. My background on my phone says some people feel the rain others just get wet.

  3. Hang in there, it will get better.

  4. Someone told me there are certain times that feel like you are "in-between" yet they are still real days, one after another. As you go from the past to the future... there is the present. To stay sane, stay in this moment. Try not let the unknown overwhelm you. Deal with what you have to deal with today, plan for tomorrow. I am so glad you have people around you to talk this out and confirm your wonderfulness!

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  6. i haven't been writing much so i am wildly out of touch with people in my outer circle, but I am so sad you are such pain. i can not, an won't comment with advice that is un-needed and has all been said before, but I am a firm believer that the best therapist is a good set of running shoes or a gym membership that is well used.

    Take care of yourself.

  7. "Just because it's raining doesn't mean I can't dance barefoot on the lawn."

    What a great sentiment! I wish you and your child well, I hope for the best for both of you :)

  8. Hi,
    Just getting caught up on your blog. Sorry to hear about Mark and the changes you are dealing with.

  9. We're so sorry that you're going through this. We hope it gets better, soon.

  10. sorry to hear the news, Its always though but Im sure as strong as you are you will be just fine.