Basically, you all know Mark is on the road about half the time anyway. When he's gone, he gets to live the high life- fancy hotels, five star restaurants, and no responsibilities once the workday is over beyond having a beer with his coworkers and relaxing and having fun. When he comes home, he said it was like getting hit by a 2x4. He doesn't want responsibility. He doesn't want a little boy asking him to play. He wants to be the big man who can go out and pick up a random woman at a coffee shop and take her home without having to deal with a wife and son at home. Hell, I even suggested that he just get a hotel room when he picks someone up so he can get his needs met, but it wasn't good enough- apparently he thinks it's too hard to pick up random women when he's married. He doesn't want to explain poly, and he's polysexual and not polyamorous anyway- he doesn't want relationships, he wants sex. Relationships are too much work, he says, and he has plenty of friends. So if he can't fuck them, he's not interested.
Our son is too much work for him. He says it was all a mistake, and he just wants to go back to his fun life and forget that he was ever a husband or father. I could forgive him for walking out on me even though I don't really understand it since he could have pretty much everything he wants and still live here, and we'd have a comfortable lifestyle instead of money being tight for both of us, but I could never forgive him for saying he regrets having our son.
I'm not really sure what happened, because this definitely isn't the man I married. The one who told me that kiddo was the best thing that ever happened to him. The one who told me he'd love me forever. The one who told me that my happiness made him happy. This new version has become a lot more self absorbed and hedonistic, and doesn't seem to care about anyone but himself. We've been together for almost 14 years.
So, we're going to be getting a divorce. I keep kiddo, and he rides off into the sunset. I can't imagine leaving your child, not for anything. We want and need different things to be happy, and he no longer wants an active parenting role. And that I can't really understand, since kiddo is the most important thing in the world to me, but it is what it is.
I really have never lived on my own as an adult, and I have a feeling it's going to be a big adjustment. I like cooking a nice meal for a partner, or cuddling up to watch a movie together, or even just having someone to bounce your thoughts off of. Not to mention that it's nice to be able to share childcare and chores.
I'm not sure how long it's actually going to take to get a divorce, and we're still in the process of sorting out all the legal niceties. But, either way, at some point soon I will no longer be a hotwife. That doesn't mean I won't write about my relationships and my BDSM activities here, though. I plan to keep this blog going. Jennifer and Henry both know what's going on, and they've been here giving me support. I am really lucky to have two such wonderful people in my life.
I am not sure yet how my life will change, but I'm going to take it one day at a time. Deep breaths.